My (24f) boyfriend (34m) and I have been together for a few months. We’re in a fairly new relationship. On our first date I expressed that I dislike when people stop caring for their appearance once they’re in a relationship and he strongly agreed with me. In my previous relationship I gained a ton of weight and stopped caring for my appearance because I was having issues with my now ex boyfriend. He was pretty abusive and would get mad when I got ready because “I was looking to get others’ attention”. I look back at those times with much regret in letting myself go.
Anyway, 5 years later, I’ve worked hard to lose all the weight I gained and more and now I’m the skinniest and fittest I’ve ever been but there are still some things I would like to improve. I find that my boyfriend is unwilling to tell me what I want to hear in the name of “honesty”. He’s told me before that I have no tits, which I thought was weird because no one has ever said that to me and I think they’re normal for my size (5’5, 145 lbs, 34B). On another occasion I was wearing a top that exposed my arms and he pointed out the stretch marks on the inside of my arms close to my arm pits. I’m very self conscious about my arms so I took this one heavily but he said it was a joke so I dropped it. He’s also made comments about my stomach when I was shopping for a dress to wear to his friend’s wedding and he told me I looked pregnant. We fought over that one for a few days. He apologized to me several times but I can’t get over it. Today, I was shopping for jeans and we were on the phone and we started talking about glute exercises and I asked him if I had a fat ass hoping that he’d say yes but he said I have a medium ass. I was extremely bothered by this and he responded by telling me he doesn’t lie to me. I brought up the times in the past when he’s told me he loves my ass and he reassured me that he loved my medium sized ass. I replied that he’s constantly humbling me and I didn’t expect my bf to be the one to humble me and he said maybe that’s why life brought us together. We ended the call because he said he didn’t want me to ruin his weekend.
Am I overreacting? Is it reasonable to expect my bf to tell me what I want to hear when it comes to my body? Thoughts?
TL;DR – my boyfriend won’t tell me what I want to hear about my body when I ask him about a specific feature. Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to tell me what I want to hear??
6 comments
I think you’re phrasing this question and this post in a way that’s so favorable toward your boyfriend and unfair toward you. This isn’t like you demanding constant compliments. You’re expecting your boyfriend to be loving and caring in the way he talks about you and by extension, about your body. I would 100% develop body issues if I stayed with a guy like this, anyone would. Honestly fuck him. I don’t know you but don’t like the way this guy is talking about you. What would you tell a friend in your position?
Yes and no. Similar to another post here.
You can’t ask for honesty and then ask for it to be selective then believe in what you are getting.
But
He sounds like he’s being an asshole and providing unwanted negative feedback. As soon as someone starts criticising your body I would class the relationship as dead. There’s a huge difference between “hon I think we!/you need to hit the gym” to “you have no tits”
I mean with the latter does he not enjoy having a sex life?
Your partner should always be building you up in life not tearing you down.
> told me before that I have no tits
That’s just mean and pointless from his standpoint. Why date a mean guy? It’s not telling you what you want to hear – it’s not dating a jerk.
You ARE being unreasonable. Don’t ask questions if you might not like the answers, especially since HE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!!!
You are playing games with this relationship. That is very unfair of you. If you want reassurance, tell him that you want reassurance on a topic. Otherwise, I guarantee you, he would strongly prefer that you simply not ask him about a topic if his answer might bother you.
At best, he sounds like a chore, and at worst he sounds like he’s intentionally degrading your self esteem so he can treat you like shit and get away with it. Which, considering he’s 10 years older, wouldn’t be surprising.
Either way I’m sure you could find someone significantly nicer than this jackass.
Of course you’re being unreasonable in expecting him to tell you what you want to hear. How does he know what you want to hear, and how does he know he’ll get it right?
Having said that he’s taken honesty too far because, I’d suggest, he’s doesn’t know what to say, and thinks you want him to be scrupulously honest.
The bigger issue, for me, is your obsession with your body and getting the feedback you want on it. Clearly there is trauma that you still need to work through.
Why don’t you celebrate your weight loss and fitness by being kind to yourself? Losing him may be one at of doing it.