Hello Men Over 30!
I (32F) recently accidentally saw my boyfriend’s (30M) search history. Note: I wasn’t snooping – I didn’t realize he logged me out of my account on my computer and logged into his. I needed to find a video from my history, and ended up seeing a bunch of “BIG TITTED SCHOOLTEACHER” etc.
I ended up scrolling through for a bit out of morbid curiosity, and then the realization that I was breaking trust and guilt set in. I logged out of his account so I wouldn’t be tempted to keep looking. I will absolutely admit it was wrong of me to keep looking once I realized it wasn’t mine.
We can’t talk about it yet because he’s deployed with no contact for the next 5 months. Here’s my question: would you want to know this happened? Or is ignorance bliss in this case?
Additional details:
– He knows I don’t have a moral issue or hangups with porn in general
– We’ve never talked about our individual porn use – whether we do it, what kind, how often, etc
– He has mentioned that he “tries not to,” so I’m assuming there’s some shame there
– Based on what I saw, he’s watching it 5-7 days per week, 2-3 times per day
– We have sex 3-5 times per week. I give frequent blowjobs (2+ times per week), have never ever turned him down for sex, and would actually love to increase our frequency. So it’s definitely not a “he’s not getting enough from me” issue. If anything, I feel like *I’m* not getting enough.
– On days we don’t have sex he acts very horny during the day, tells me he’s going to do me when he comes to bed (I usually go to bed earlier than him), and then ends up staying awake for another 3-4 hours doing hobbies and then watches porn instead.
– He also watches porn on the days we have sex
– He has great stamina and no issues getting it up. If anything, he lasts a little *too* long for comfort.
This could be a great opportunity to open communication on wants, expectations, etc. Given his past expressions of discomfort and shame when talking about porn, I assume it may be an addiction thing. I also strongly suspect he would be *mortified* if he knew I saw his search history.
To be clear, only two things make me uncomfortable about the situation: if he’s going to masturbate during the day, that’s fine! I would prefer we had sex or a bj before he does though. I don’t want to feel like I’m getting leftover energy. Also, I would want him to not feel shame or that he has something to hide. He’s a high-integrity man, and I imagine he feels guilty about this already.
I 100% intend on having a nonjudgmental discussion about porn, our sex lives, etc. I’m worried that if I tell him I know how often he watches porn, he’ll feel intense shame about it. I’m tempted to have the conversation without mentioning I saw his history to help protect his dignity. But! I also recognize that’s me trying to manage someone else’s emotions for them. Honesty is very important to me, and I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to hide the truth.
I think what I really need right now is just some blunt male perspective. Given the situation… would you want to know if your wife or girlfriend saw your search history?
8 comments
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I wouldn’t want to know, but I probably would be grateful if someone explained to me that browsers have a private mode.
I want to start off by saying that I think you handled this very well. We all get curious and nosy, and sometimes we gently cross a soft line.
With that said, if you guys haven’t openly discussed porn before then bringing this up would be embarrassing and not very productive. You said you think he feels a little shame about this stuff, so bringing it up will only deepen that feeling.
I think you’re right about the addiction. A lot of what you say here has been true in my life, and there is no doubt in my mind that it’s addiction on my end.
If you want to open up a line of communication, then I think you need to find another way other than bringing up search history. Maybe “accidentally” leave open a page about how to open incognito/private mode so as to avoid this again. There are a few ways to bring up communication, and I think you know him well enough to come up with another way to do it. Maybe while being intimate or just after when cuddling. Bring porn into it the bedroom. Maybe find one that has a chick with big tits and mention how nice you think they look, in a casual way, and see how that goes. Another good way to get him to open up is to also bring up your porn interests. Start with the more tame stuff. Bring up role play, but don’t say teacher. You want to keep this as casual as possible without leading to you knowing what he’s searched.
Circling back to the addiction thing. This should be addressed by him at some point as it can lead to some pretty detrimental effects. I had to get there on my own, and honestly, it’s still an uphill battle after decades of it. I used to be all about porn for everyone, but I’ve come to realize that we have really can warp some people’s minds after long-term use. It’s not so much an addiction to big tits as it is to the hit of dopamine. Big tits (or whatever else you found) have just led to that in the past, and he has reinforced it so much over the years.
You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and are a great, supportive partner. I hope some of this helps. Good luck!
I don’t care. I have nothing to hide. I don’t watch porn or look at anything weird. My wife has free range to my phone or whatever. She doesn’t look or use it but I wouldn’t care if she did.
Since you sound like a woman who is very into her boyfriend, I say you dress up like a school teacher to welcome him home.
You could also suggest watching porn together so he understands that you don’t mind he watches it.
You could also look into the Freeuse kink and perhaps come to an arrangement like that for him. Let him know you’ll blow him anytime he wants.
That said, sometimes a guy needs an orgasm but doesn’t want to have sex. Erections have a mind of their own and sometimes you want them to go away. Other times we just don’t have the energy for sex but need an orgasm. Or the woman we’re with is asleep and we don’t want to wake her up.
Just leave it alone and don’t armchair diagnose him with addiction or whatever the crowd here says. The quickest way to shame and break trust is to say “I’ve been viewing your history and i think you have a problem.”
Instead tell him you would like to explore things together and ask him to show you what he is into with a non-judgmental attitude. Who knows maybe you will see things you like.
It sounds like everything is fine in your relationship. You were made aware of his private business. And now feel the need to insert yourself into his private time which, again, is not effecting you in a negative way. Log him out, forget it, and go about your business. There’s no need to have a conversation here.
My wife’s search history would be boring. Clothes and home decor.
Btw, I googled “BIG TITTIED SCHOOLTEACHER”. Was not disappointed. 😆