My (40F) husband (40M) and I have been together for 15 years, we have two children together (under 7) and have been in a dead bedroom for 1.5-2 years.
The dead bedroom started to develop after we had children. For years he used various coercion methods to get sex from me and about two years ago with therapy (individual and couples) we identified it and put a stop to it.
He’s recognized what he did was wrong and apologized. We get along well as friends, we both still love/care for each other, and we still have good times/fun together. If possible I would like to save the marriage.
We are both in counseling and trying to get to a place where we can once again work on our relationship in couples counseling. We both understand it will/would require lots (months? years?) of work.
Sometimes it seems like an impossible goal and I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to be intimate again with him.
We both would like to have a happy, healthy marriage with a happy, healthy sex life. Is this possible? Has anyone had similar experience? How do it turn out?
Please share and success stories if you have them.
Edit: the DB started following our first child. I experienced some pain from sex, this is when it started. During this period we’d most of the time resort to hand jobs but every month or so he’d want PIV and although I mentioned it was painful still, he’d pressure.
To clarify the “methods”, there was some guilting, “we haven’t had sex in like two weeks”, followed by moping, or “we’re basically just roommates”. This occurs when I wasn’t in the mood for sex or turned down his advances.
Since, his he’s started therapy, he’s put a lot of work into himself and become more mindful and self aware. He’s considerate and tries to use my love languages, he accepts my “no”, and we are hoping to go through the Gottman therapy method once we are both in a place to focus on the relationship again.
Right now I can’t be vulnerable or intimate with him and I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to be after coming to the realization of what was happening during my individual therapy
18 comments
The coercion happen before the DB, or as a result? Can you be more specific on how he was coercive and what bx of his changed now?
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Tbh, I’m not sure I understand where the coercion is? If you guys are going weeks without sex and it’s upsetting to him, at least he’s telling you rather than doing shady things behind your back. You guys clearly disagree on how frequently you should be having sex, so this seems like more of a sexual chemistry issue.
His observations are valid and his feelings are too. Kinda seems like you’re gaslighting him into feeling bad for wanting sex once a week.
The fact he’s still trying to save this marriage with you, is amazing…..
Many people in this sub think marital coercion doesn’t exist and is all completely acceptable behavior. You’re very unlikely to get any genuinely helpful advice here since most people here seem to think people, including postpartum women, should force themselves to make their husband ejaculate even if they really don’t want to.
Wouldn’t have been easier to just tell him the truth , I don’t want to have sex with you?
Without intimacy, marriage is done.
Actions follow will. The question I would ask of you is why do you choose not to desire intimacy with your spouse. Let me be clear, he was wrong in how he got sex, but his desire to have sex with his wife is good. I’m sorry it’s painful, my wife has that as well and we have not had sex for some time. But we try to be intimate without sex.
It’s not always easy for me, I like/enjoy sex. Sometimes it is a constant struggle, but I love her and if I never have sex again I’ll abstain to be with her. But if I were to ask of her, she wouldn’t deny me for the same reason. Love
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You’re each in individual therapy, he’s acknowledged that it wasn’t okay to pressure you into having unwanted sex, and both of you are actively invested in saving the marriage. All those things sound really positive.
Unfortunately, desire can be a very tricky thing. You can’t just tell yourself to feel it.
I think if I were in your shoes, I’d try to work on the trust piece first. Try out situations where he can demonstrate that he’s not going to push. For example:
1. Ask for a non-sexual massage. Give him a non-sexual massage in return. Get used to physical touch again without any pressure for sex.
2. Go out on a romantic date and set the boundary that you’re not going to do anything but kiss. If it feels more comfortable, ask that you be the one to initiate. Make an effort to connect with one another. If you’re only comfortable with a peck on the lips, that’s ok. If you want to make out, go for it. Either way, it will give him a chance to prove he will not push for more.
Whatever the details of the scenario, the point is for you to make clear rules around what happens to you and your body and for him to demonstrate that he respects your boundaries. You will build trust over time if you find ways to do this over and over.
Brainstorm ways to connect with your husband physically, even if they’re not sexual. Only choose things you’re comfortable with, obviously, but start doing those things every day. Hold hands, give foot massages, or sit close on the couch. You can start small but you have to start somewhere.
It will take time. That’s how trust works. Just like anything else, you’ll have to practice to see improvement.
Edited to add: This will also test whether he has made serious and sincere efforts to change. It will become obvious very quickly if his apology wasn’t sincere. If he truly realizes how wrong it was to pressure you, he will be careful not to do it ever again.
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My opinion and its just an opinion is if sex is painful then maybe a dr appointment needs to be made. If all else fails and you’re not on the same page sexually anymore then why not just move on from each other. Why hold someone hostage in a sexless marriage..
It’s normal to experience a little pain the first few times post-partum once you have healed because it often heals tighter than before and takes some time to soften/stretch the tissue again. Perhaps the way you were intimate afterwards was not gentle enough and communication is the problem. If he were not to respond to your requests and communication during intimacy then that would break a huge trust boundary. Does he respect your boundaries during intimacy and show concern/interest for your experience, not just his? I’d feel grossed out about intimacy if I didn’t feel respected and if I felt his advances were because he just wanted to get off instead of be with me and care about what I’m feeling too.
Is saving your mariage the only reason you want to work towards being intimates again or is it also for yourself ?
If so have you tried exploring sexuality alone, with or without toys, to figure out what is pleasant and not painful (wether or not it leads to being intimate again with him) ?
I’m curious if while your husband has been getting little to no sex for almost 7 years is it ok that he meets his own needs? Are you in an open relationship? does he own a flesh light? Is he allowed to watch porn? Do you still have pain or when did that stop? Are you ever physically intimate in ways that wouldn’t hurt you? You mentioned hand jobs occasionally what about oral? Do you still hold hands, hug, cuddle, massage?
Not coersion. Complaining, yes.
Went to therapist to stop him from expressing his feelings?
Touche.
I would say if you feel that you both put a lot of work into repairing the bond, you may have to just jump back on the horse at least once. You can always sit there and try and prepare yourself but you can also just do the damn thing. If that’s not what you want to do then ok.
Also, maybe you’re both growing but the relationship isn’t sustainable. Maybe you got the growth you needed from each other to find a lasting and healthy love elsewhere.
You actually need The Great Sex Rescue, because he should be more understanding of your injuries after childbirth. Also r/vaginismus may help you find some likeminded people with similar struggles. Good luck 🙂