TLDR: My partner (F26, married for 2 years), a mutual friend (F26) and I (M27) were talking and I sat forming a triangle between us. My partner thinks I should have sat behind her. Please share your thoughts.

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

*Background*

>We went camping with some friends over the long weekend. I think I behaved very normally, examples such as this bench story but also trying to get some food when it was late and we hadn’t eaten. However, my wife has read ulterior motives into everything. I hadn’t even considered the bench as anthing significant until she brought it up after we got home.
>
>I have no doubt that she believes what she thinks is going on but I can’t get her to understand that I just want to sit down to talk or go get food without it being more complicated than that.

**The bench**

The three of us were talking. Our friend was standing and my partner was sat on a bench. There were two benches in a v formation and our friend was stood at the Apex. Where should I sit?

I sat oposite my partner to form a triangle where everyone was facing in. I think this facilitates conversation and would be the natural thing to do. I didn’t give any active thought to where I sat.

My partner thinks I should have sat behind her. I don’t think this would be a natural way to sit as it would force my partner to face away from one person in the conversation. Yes, I know people can move but I was the one moving so it seems logical to me, even in hindsight, that as the one moving, I should find an appropriate place to sit rather than force someone else to move or set up awkward positioning.

My partner thinks that my choice of where to sit was a slight on her and that I was showing our friend that I wasn’t close to my partner.

Could you share your thoughts on the sitaution and where you think you would sit please? Is there any way I can help her see my side of the story. Explaing hasn’t gone down well.

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edit: updating relationship length

edit 2: adding the background which I explained in a comment further down

4 comments

  1. I’m very curious why you’re married to someone who feels compelled to make this big of a deal about a goddamned BENCH.

  3. To me, if this is the kind of argument that you two are having over a completely inconsequential issue of seat choice, there’s likely a much bigger issue elsewhere in your relationship that is actually driving this conflict. If by “ulterior motives” your wife means that you were sitting in a certain way to somehow flirt with or be close to another woman, that’s objectively pretty nuts, but likely is just a manifestation of a deeper insecurity she feels about your marriage or partnership. Someone who felt secure in their relationship and confident in their partners’ love and commitment probably wouldn’t react this way.

    I’d start the conversation there. Her feeling insecure doesn’t necessarily mean that either of you have done anything wrong – it could be coming from her own insecurities, your actions, or some combination thereof. But the two of you need to talk it through as a team and think about what the future looks like to help her feel more at ease and limit these disagreements and awkwardness: is it more time just the two of you to build a stronger foundation as a couple? More acknowledgement of how you feel about eachother? More physical affection towards eachother in group settings? Dows she need some help working through her own internal feelings so that she doesn’t read so much into every action of yours? Are there ways you can modify your behaviour temporarily to avoid triggers for her? Think about what compromises and behaviour changes you are willing to make, what is too far, and what you would like the future to look like both in terms of your partnership and how you are together in big groups. Good luck!

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