I (F23) and my boyfriend (M25) have been together for a little over a year. I would not consider myself the jealous type. I don’t think it’s wrong to have friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship. Personally I tend to avoid closeness with other men because I find the majority of them dull and a lot of them only seem to be hanging around waiting for me to be available again.
I will admit that I had a difficult childhood and I have trust issues. I have OCD and I often get repetitive thoughts that he might cheat on me or leave me. I don’t think he will but the fear just kind of flutters around in my head. I’ve never accused him of anything and never been given a reason to. I would never talk to him about this as I feel it’s a fault of my own that I’m trying to work through in therapy.
Recently he’s been talking about a coworker named Sam. He talks about how he’s glad she’s working the shift with him and he’ll be disappointed when she’s not working. He tells me stories that she tells him and he says she funny but always follows it up by saying that she’s not as funny as me. I’m not sure if he says this bc he senses some kind of discomfort on my part or if he actually thinks this. Most of them time there’s a text message from her on his phone that he hasn’t answered. As far as I know he doesn’t really text her when he’s around me and I’ve seen him leave her message unopened for the entire time that he’s with me. Yesterday he told me that she texted him (she didn’t work yesterday) to tell him that her date with her boyfriend had gone terribly and that she was probably going to break up with him and that she’d tell him all about it when they worked next. It kind of threw me for a loop a little bc I just assumed that they messaged mostly about work and it makes me a little uncomfortable that she’s telling him about her dating life. I haven’t said anything to him about any of this bc if it’s my intrusive thoughts then that’s a me problem that I need to resolve on my own and don’t need to be guilt tripping him about healthy relationships that he ought to have with his coworkers. Tbh now that I’ve typed this out I’m probably just a crazy and jealous girlfriend. But I’m just kind of stuck on this sick feeling of losing something that I value so much and I was hoping some of you could give me a better, non-mentally unwell perspective.
Tl;dr please help me know if I’m insane or I need to find the balls to address this with him
3 comments
I think you should talk with him about however you’re feeling, even if it’s a non factor in his own experience. It’s important because relationships are supportive, and bring us a sense of security. Does he have to be your new therapist? No, but it helps him comprehend you more and opens empathy. Tell him how it makes you feel, just be honest.
None of us know whether your partner is or isn’t cheating or going to, I would ask you whether the content of their conversation would bother you if they were the same sex? As someone who has struggled with my thoughts, it helps so much to be self-aware in the moment. I don’t always succeed, but when a thought comes across, I practice trying to not let it linger, telling myself if it isn’t rational or if I’m playing out something over and over to where I’ve spiraled.
It’s good that you are going to therapy, as I imagine the thought process doesn’t start or end with him. I don’t agree that you should be ashamed and not talk to him because you feel you’re at fault for struggling. Open communication is important; maybe think about your approach. You can talk to him about what you are struggling with and what you are doing to get help. It doesn’t have to come from a place of you accusing him.
Every couple has to figure out between the two of them what boundaries they both do or don’t want with other friendships and collaborate to find a balance everyone feels safe and happy with. It’s tricky because people have different expectations and sometimes double standards. What you think is disrespectful might not seem that way to him. What matters is having calm, honest conversations where you can hear each other out and see if you can get on the same page. There are no right or wrong boundaries/rules— just a need to establish ones that work for both of you.
Try having a calm conversation, not freshly triggered by the situation. Ask him what boundaries he would like for both of you when it comes to the opposite sex, what makes him uncomfortable, what makes him feel safe and respected. Then share your own thoughts. You can say, “x makes me kind of uncomfortable— could you tell me more about your thoughts on this?”
Ultimately, you need to figure out those agreed upon boundaries and establish how you can have calm and vulnerable conversations about any new problems, insecurities, or concerns that arise for either of you. There is no right or wrong here but ideally there are two caring, honest, respectful partners willing to listen and compromise a bit where needed.
A complete lack of care or gaslighting when someone is vulnerable with their feelings is probably the biggest red flag in these conversations. Try to not accuse or become defensive but keep the conversation a vulnerable sharing of preferences, feelings etc.
It also helps to know yourself and your own dealbreakers and then talk about them. Most people do have dealbreakers. It’s not about threatening the other person but rather telling them what your boundaries are and why that’s important for you. Couples that can’t get on the same page with these type of boundaries are usually setting themselves up for heartbreak and drama down the road. Every couple has to make and maintain their own rules with the goal always being care, respect, safety, and intimacy.