So I’ve been talking to this guy for about two weeks now. He is older than me by 8 years. 21F and 30M. I know it’s an age gap but let me forever give context. He isn’t worried about settling down or getting into a relationship with anyone right now. He says he can’t see that happening for another 3-5 years but that he is open to it with me and he wants to build with me. Today he dropped me off at work and before I went in a got a smoothie from tropical smoothie. While I was waiting I saw him looking at this woman who left out the store and he rolled the window down to look. This bothered me. I asked him if he would mind if I talked to other people he said no. He said that he’s not here to take anything from me he’s here to build with me. Now I’m only 21 I am sure a serious relationship is the last thing I need right now given the fact that I have so much healing to do. But that did bother me. I guess because I’m younger I don’t understand what he’s trying to say. I’m not used to what he’s putting down. My first thought goes to “so h just wants sex out of me” although we do have our late night meetups I don’t think that’s all he wants. He’s a man and I’m still learning. He says that he feels as if I can learn alot from him but he’s not looking to teach me. He’s looking to build. He is a straightforward person which make sense given his age and experience. My mind is just kind of cloudy.
Advice? Perspectives?
6 comments
Leave him. It’s never going to be fruitful for you, only him. Sounds trash. You deserve better. You’re too young to give your all to a 30 year old man. I feel as if you don’t mind staying loyal and only speaking to one person, whereas he manipulates you into thinking it’s okay as he’s not ‘taking anything from you’, rather ‘building’. It’s clearly not building at all, it’s rather the opposite. You deserve better and can easily have it, trust me.
Edit: Read your post history. You’re definitely concerned about this relationship and whether or not it’s right for you. Reading your post history in depth made me realize it’s definitely not right for you. Not at all.
This sounds… weird. Relationships that aren’t exclusive are great, but if you want something exclusive or serious then this is not your guy
Nobody wants to “Build” with someone they can’t see themselves in a relationship with until years later. To “Build” with someone requires commitment. What he’s saying is purposefully misleading. It’s only been two weeks, spare yourself the mind-games and get out now.
Guys will say anything to get sex from a girl lol. If u are just hooking up then it’s fine but don’t expect too much
He is a controlling player. Drop him. Guy advice from a guy. He isn’t serious. He is a predator that takes naive girls.
Find a guy that is grounded on what he does…
Around to 1 night stand
Around to FWB
Around to casually date and open horizons
Around to seriously relationship you
Around to seek a marriage and generational building commitment
Don’t ever mesh with a dude that is open to everything and wanders around per actions with his eyes or social media. It leads to more…
I don’t see anything wrong with an 9 year age gap – my ex and I had a 12 year age gap when we got together (35 and 23) – but it’s very dependent on the individuals. It’s not the numbers so much that matter.
In our case, she was very mature for her age, single and on her own in Manhattan, and I was definitely not what you think of when you think “35 year old man”. I definitely live a lifestyle far closer to someone in their twenties than their thirties.
In your case, though – this feels “off” to me. The impression I get from reading this post implies a STRONG imbalance in power dynamics. I never viewed my ex as anything other than an equal, and she was usually the one taking the “lead”. I’m very, very “go with the flow/passive” – she was the planner, coordinator, and organizer.
Him saying he has “so much he can teach you” just seems fucking weird, to me. He’s thirty. He doesn’t hold the secrets to the universe. It seems like in his own mind he regards you as less than.
Were there “teachable moments” in my previous relationship? Yes. For example, my ex had never written a check before – but not because she didn’t know how to bank; simply because she’d grown up doing everything online with direct debit and autopay. That stuff wasn’t as prevalent when I was her age, so I’d written checks before. I was able to demonstrate it when it came up.
Do you see the difference here? I’m not getting a sense that the two of you are on equal footing.