I (25F) have been with him (27M) for about a couple years now, but it’s only recently that we started being physically intimate. He is a gentleman and perfect in every way, except in bed.
He’s overly aggressive in bed to the point where it bothers me as it’s so unlike him. He does NOT listen to me, and always has to have his way even if it disgusts me. He’s also into chokeholding, spitting, and once twisted my arm badly enough that we had to visit the doc.
He apologizes every time I bring it up but then repeats the same behavior. I do know that he’s a good man at heart, and he’s the one for me. Why is he this way? He is entirely different outside of this, so loving and kind.
I haven’t been with anyone else so it’s difficult for me to know if this is normally how men are. Advise please? How do I deal with this situation, or help him change WITHOUT being too harsh?
38 comments
If things are repeated which are uncomfortable for you then leave him .and focus on ur life ..
This is not normally how men are. He seems to be into some relatively rare things.
Can you two discuss a safe word? If you say the safe word he has to stop, no arguments. Then you don’t just pause, but you stop sex until you feel comfortable. He needs to snap out of it in the moment and somehow he’s not doing that or not caring to. I would be very scared to have sex with my partner if he was as you describe.
Well, he learned his sexual moves from watching porn, obviously. Sorry, but it NOT something you’re likely to fix. Don’t believe it? Suggest watching some porn with him and see how quickly he agrees and what he wants to watch. At least you’ll know how he got that way. Unlikely to get him to change, it’s hard wired in his brain at this point. It’s what trips his trigger.
Seriously chock holding? read the stories about accidentally death’s of women while having sex with people like him, IF YOUR ARE NOT INTO THAT TYPE OF SEX, leave ..
Its a pretty big red flag if he’s not respecting that you’re not into that kind of sex. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk about it, letting him know that you’d be prepared to end things if he doesn’t change his behavior. Sex is at its best with clear and open communication, and that seems to be a problem for him.
He is not a good man at heart. You’re being abused and this is not normal. You’ve had one event where you had to see a doctor over an injury and it might get worse. Apologies don’t mean much when he physically hurts you
Umm this took a lot more of a darker turn than I expected. This is concerning and scary behaviour. Tell him that if he doesn’t change this intimidating behaviour in bed, then you’re out. Don’t let a man sexually disrespect you, or it will emotionally effect you more than you may realise.
Please put your foot down and tell him it’s not ok at all and be ready to cut it off with him. Honestly, your situation just sounds terrifying; he is a massive red flag.
He probably has a porn addiction which is part of the issue.
He might be bottling up to much and be acting out some of the resentment he is carrying (just a possibility).
Sounds like there has been communication on the issue, but would suggest incredibly clearly expressing what you like and want (phrased as if you want me to enjoy this a lot more). Express you understand that is what he is into and you are willing to give him what he wants sometimes if he will give you what you want sometimes. Then, make it clear that if he does not agree to those terms that you will not want to have sex as often and that you want to want to have sex however often.
He is not a “good man”. He is an abuser. for now he it is SA in the context of bed, soon it will be elsewhere. What he is doing, is non consensual and therefore not okay. Call an abuse shelter, make an exit plan. Leave while you can still walk away.
>He’s overly aggressive in bed to the point where it bothers me as it’s so unlike him. He does NOT listen to me, and always has to have his way even if it disgusts me. He’s also into chokeholding, spitting, and once twisted my arm badly enough that we had to visit the doc.
You are being sexually assaulted and abused. The man you are with is not a good man and not safe to be with!
>He apologizes every time I bring it up but then repeats the same behavior. I do know that he’s a good man at heart, and he’s the one for me.
He is not a good man at heart. A good and caring partner would not *repeatedly* do that to you. You are not safe!
Anna Akana once said (probably quoting her therapist) that “An apology without changed behavior is manipulation”
Leave this man.
Assaulting you is the tip of an iceberg. People who treat you like this are dangerous and have no place in your life.
He treats you well outside of bed to fuck with your head, so that when he ignores your boundaries it has you asking “what do I do to make him change?” And not “Should I call the cops on my ‘boyfriend’. ”
**Get Out**.
Tell him to stop watching porn. Sounds like he thinks porn is real. At the same time, if he’s your boyfriend you’d be able to talk to him instead of asking here. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him about this, you shouldn’t be together
He’s not a good guy or the one for you.
Honestly I’d run for the hills yicks he’s not as good as you claim
If he was a good man he would be gentle in bed until you ask him to be tougher and even then he wouldn’t go to such levels unless you literally insisted and even then it would probably weird him out. Man should put woman first when it comes to sex unless it’s something he’s uncomfortable with doing. Idk maybe that’s just me but I’m sure it’s not.
If he didn’t listen to you the FIRST time, that’s a massive red flag. He clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries and it will only get worse. Get out of that toxic relationship
This is NOT NORMAL!
It sounds like he is inexperienced in relationships/sex and has a long history of watching Porn.
It’s sad hearing many young women being subjected to treatment by their partners who have no knowledge, respect or understanding of intimacy……. can only reenact what they have seen in Porn as the way to engage with someone they “love” ?
Have an open and adult conversation about this with him….. he will either listen and learn to change his behaviour, or just brush it off and continue with his actions.
If he chooses the latter, that’s a big red flag that you don’t deserve to “just get used to it”.
Hi. No chokeholding and spitting aren’t the norm for all men. That’s deffo a niche area that partners generally discuss and are both into it.
I’m in agreement with some of the others here. Sounds like you’re both into different types of sex, which will become a bigger problem the longer you leave it.
The fact he is aggressive enough to warrant a doc trip is pretty alarming too. You don’t need to be harsh, just very direct in what you want and expect from a partner.
If you tell him not to do something, and he does it regardless of your wishes, he’s not a good man.
He honestly sounds like an undercover sociopath.
Woahhhhh no, this is not okay at all. This is not how most men and decent men behave in bed.
I know you’re concerned about offending him, but he has majorly offended you TO THE POINT OF SENDING YOU TO THE DOCTOR. Being polite is not your priority here.
There’s a misconception out there that some guys are naturally more dominant in bed and that’s okay and kinky and sexy and a new trend. What people miss is the role that consent, communication, and care play in these situations. It’s like we’ve started normalizing kink but haven’t normalized consent, and that’s really dangerous.
People who are responsibly invested in dom / sub relationships have incredibly clear boundaries, a high level of trust, and they communicate about which acts their partner is okay with. Without that communication, being choked isn’t sexy, it’s abuse.
WITHOUT being harsh ? Lol. It’s your safety and sexual well being we are taking about. You better start laying some boundaries ..or No sex for the macho man
Good men listen to their partners in bed.
This is terrifying for real. Huge fucking red flag 🚩
Dump him. That’s not right. That’s assault as he isn’t listening
That’s sexual assault if it’s not consensual. He’s not actually a good person if he is assaulting you. Inside or out of the bedroom.
Do not try to negotiate. His behavior is not a red flag, it is not a warning of potential danger, it is assault. Run.
My last ex choked me and slapped me without asking consent first. The rest of the relationship was lovely, but we weren’t sexually compatible. Unfortunately, a few weeks out from the break up, the most vivid memories in my head are now those moments before the two months of goodness. For your mental health, I would say cut ties. You could tell him to be kinder in bed, but those are some very serious injuries that never should have happened. Step away and see if you feel like you deserve better.
As a kink loving individual, it’s only good if there is proper consent. BDSM is a lot of trust and consent. Outside of clear and open understanding, it’s flatout assult. There are even lines I won’t cross with consent. He’s clearly prone to sexual violence that’s outside the scope of even BDSM. The safety and comfort level of the submissive partner should always come first and be prioritized. If they call a stoppage you stop, there is no “I’m sorry” after you continue.
Bro if he’s not respecting your words and not actively adjusting his behaviour as per your advice, why the heck do you care if you’re being harsh?! Playing nice clearly hasn’t worked.
You are incompatible in the bedroom.
This is why you don’t wait years to have sex, sexual compatibility is important and it sucks when you’re already deeply in love with someone and you find out you’re not sexually compatible. I understand that he was your first and you might have needed time to be comfortable enough with him to be intimate, but 2 years was excessive.
Sounds like he’s a sadistic Dom and you’re not into that at all. But he’s not respecting your boundaries and that’s not okay, it isn’t normal for a man to be that aggressive and force you to do things you’re uncomfortable with. It’s doubtful you two will ever have a good sex life, and you’ll probably always resent each other for that.
You might be able to get him to be less aggressive and adamant in having his way, but he will always be a sadistic Dom and that’s not going to change. You probably don’t want to hear it, but this is absolutely a big problem and something worth breaking up over.
In the future I would recommend getting intimate much earlier in the relationship, or at least discussing it in depth to make sure you’re on the same page
This is absolutely not normal! It seems like violence is arousing to him. He sure does not have any respect for you. Frankly I would leave him right away. He already sent you to the hospital, what’s next.
Run. Just run.
You are being sexually abused and assaulted. You did not consent to this kind of aggression. He ignores you and keeps on being aggressive to you in bed.
Kinks forced upon someone without consent is called sexual assault.
There is a HUGE difference between being dominant and abusive. A dominant man would make sure that you’re fine with him dominating you and never push you past your limits. An abuser does not care and will carry out their desires regardless if you want it or not.
I am appalled at the comments excusing his behavior and wanting you to talk to him about this. The thing is, you’ve already had these conversations about him being aggressive in bed multiple times and he keeps on repeating this behavior, blatantly disregarding the prior conversations you two had about his bedroom behavior. That means his behavior is intentional.
What’s the point of him saying sorry when you bring it up so that he could do it again and again?
He’s nice and gentle with you outside the bedroom to fuck with you mentally. To condition you to his liking.
Gods woman, he twisted your arm so badly that he had to take you to the doctors because of what he did to you.
>He apologizes every time I bring it up but then repeats the same behavior
That’s not an apology, it is manipulation. If he were a good man at heart, he wouldn’t do that.
Oh honey. I’m gonna break it to you just straight out. This is rape. This is non consensual. You have said no. It’s rape. Leave him. He is NOT a good man. He is a selfish deviant. He doesn’t care about you, your happiness, or your mental health. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. Leave.