I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 9 months now, and it’s been smooth for the most part. We did have one pretty big fight a few months ago. The gist of it was that I wanted more time at my apartment because we both have pets, and I didn’t like leaving mine all the time. I have a cat and she has a dog. She continually tells me that cats are independent and dogs aren’t, so I should have to come to her. I also said I think it would be good to have some time apart because we we were spending every single night together. She said that’s not an option and that we at least have to see each other for dinner every day.
I said that’s fine, but I’d like some time at my apartment too. She has been making some effort, trying to come to my place once a week, but she never stays for more than an hour or two, whereas we hang out at her place until usually around 10 every other night (I come over around 5 for dinner).
We recently got into another smaller argument because she got upset that I hadn’t asked to stay overnight in a while. I said I was worried about leaving my cat, and she brought up the independent thing again. Then I asked if she’d be willing to stay at my place some nights, and also brought up that her mom lives in the same town and loves her dog and would happily watch him overnight. She said that’s not an option and that she was offended that I would even ask.
I’ve been struggling with what to do here, and don’t know what I should do next. I thought what I was asking was fair, but it got shut down. Am I being irrational here, or should I try to talk to her about it? And if I should, what should I do if she tries to shut me down again? Any help would be appreciated, thanks!
42 comments
She said time apart is not an option and you have to see her for dinner every day? It’s hard to understand why she gets to make that decision for you.
You could let her know what works for you. If your needs and preferences don’t count, are sure you want to be in this relationship?
Didn’t you post in AITA?
When someone keeps saying something isn’t an option, it’s telling you they are not willing to compromise. So of course you’re feeling your girlfriend is being demanding, stubborn and not considerate of your wants.
Have you considered then that you both have different needs and expectations from a relationship? After nine months, you should have an idea if this is a person you are compatible with and if you do see a happy future together.
Sounds like neither of you are on the same page.
Well yes cats are independent and dogs need a person for some basics.
But this does not mean that she can’t make any effort to be with you.
She is lazy and does like be at her territory. So the real talk is why she doesn’t like to stay at ou place
I actually said “uhhh, what..” out loud when I got to the part of her refusing time apart.
That’s a no go.
Why can’t either of you bring your pets to each other home?
Do you know if she has a grievance with your apartment? It’s kind of crazy to not want to spend time at someone’s place equally unless you think the apartment is super gross or uncomfortable.
I had an ex whose shower, shower liner, and walls were caked in that orange bacteria. Didn’t wanna go there at all.
I have three cats and they’re very close to us. One follows me from room to room, two sleep in our bed, the third sleeps downstairs in my son’s bed. Maybe my cats are just really codependent?
If this is all there is to it, she’s being unreasonable for sure. But are you sure the pets are the real issue?
I have a friend who was weirded out that his gf wouldn’t come over often, she was too nice to tell him the real reason is his apartment was a pigsty. He always had hella dirty dishes in the sink, and his bed was a mattress on the floor with no pillowcases on his pillow.
Totally not trying to make assumptions about you OP, just putting it out there that there may be other factors. Do you have roommates? That could be another thing.
Ok, if this is the same GF from [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ydg40q/aita_for_not_going_to_my_gfs_doctors_appointment/) then you are more of her emotional crutch than her BF.
Why you’re still with her, I have no idea. She doesn’t seem to give much to you but seems very willing to take. That’s not a healthy relationship.
None of your posts say she respects your contributions to her.
Are you hoping that by giving at some point she might do better? If that’s the case, spoiler alert, she likely won’t. She only seems to get more demanding and you seem to deserve better.
“You HAVE to have dinner together”. But she can’t have her mom watch the dog ? Wait did you just say you came in second to a dog?!!!
Jesus christ
well, from the sounds of it, she is very much controlling you. that doesn’t sound healthy at all in my point of view, especially because your cat is most likely being left alone for many Many hours and that can lead to them becoming depressed and/or anxious.
nine months is quite a long time, but I would consider reevaluating if the relationship really is worth it when she doesn’t seem to care much about your feelings and needs.
If she expects you to come to dinner every night and spend the evening with her, that doesn’t leave time for yourself or time with friends/family. That kind of behaviour is controlling and isn’t healthy, and truthfully, is quite worrisome.
As for your cat not needing attention as a dog would? That’s nonsense. I’ve had three cats and all three liked and wanted attention just as much as my one dog did. Cats can be just as friendly with their humans as their dog counterparts.
Run! No compromise means no care for the other’s needs/feelings. Find someone else to date.
Your girlfriend is selfish and controlling, and you should make her an ex.
This the same girl that you stayed up all hours to care for sure to a shoulder injury and then she expected you to skip class to go to a doctor’s appointment with her despite you being absolutely exhausted from staying up late with her every night to take care of her?
My dude.
She sounds toxic AF.
These are huge red flags, OP, and I would be careful about continuing this relationship (though I’m not conclusively suggesting to end it – that’s up to you). As someone with certain psychological conditions that get a bad rep (understandably in some cases), this sounds like obsessive, codependent behavior. Unless she does something about it, it’s not going to get better. If she grew up in a narcissistic family, has suffered some kind of trauma, or was born with certain psychological conditions, these would all contribute to that clingy, “We have to be together every single day,” attitude. It doesn’t justify the behavior, especially when she’s unwilling to meet you half way. It also doesn’t make it your problem – that’s her battle to fight.
But even without my personal lens, if we were to flip the roles – the guy in the relationship wants to see his girlfriend every single day, is unwilling to compromise for time alone, and expects the girlfriend to come to his house every single time – it would be hands-down a f***boy situation and everyone would be telling her to get tf out of that relationship. Either way, good luck with this situation.
>I said I was worried about leaving my cat, and she brought up the independent thing again.
I’m a cat owner too. Yes they are independent, but they too miss us. Cats need attention, love & contact with their owners, otherwise they run the risk to become depressed. So her saying that you should neglect your cat just to please her clingy ass is more than selfish bullshit.
Also you don’t need to have dinner every night together. It’s totally fine if you don’t spend every night together.
How clean in your bathroom?
I dated a guy in college who was a gross disgusting pig and never cleaned his house. I didn’t go over there. It didn’t last long either.
“That isn’t an option”.
Yes it is.
Text her that dinner is at your house tonight and that’s where you are sleeping and she’s welcome to join.
What’s she going to do? Drag you to her house like a caveman?!
I mean, cats are not as independent as she thinks.
Your gf sounds awful. Selfish and controlling all around.
While it’s true a cat can easily be left alone for a night, it’s cruel to leave your cat alone often. They are social!
She is also stomping on your boundaries by insisting to see you every day.
Based on what you said I’d just break up with her. If you don’t then insist on staying at your house more, whether with her or without.
Seeing someone for dinner every night (if you’re not living together) is insane
Well, as my aunt used to say, “without options there is no future”
If youre relationship has no options, it doesnt have a future.
First of all, it *is* a lot to see someone every single day at the start of a relationship. That isn’t sustainable long term; you neglect the non-romantic nurturing relationships in your life. With only each other for emotional support, your relationship becomes codependent and stifling. If your relationship makes it to living together, you’ll see each other every day. No need to rush.
Which brings me to: secondly, if you haven’t had you cat meet her dog, why not try it out? There’s a ton of advice online from experts, which I am not, but it’s reasonable to assume having her bring the dog with her and stay with you half the time would solve this problem.
What you can do is tell her that you’ll be spending x nights a week at your own apartment, which is a completely reasonable thing for you to want to do whether you have pets or not, and that it’s totally up to her if she’d rather spend those nights apart, or come to your place herself.
INFO: Is you apartment clean and comfortable? Especially the bathroom? Clutter isn’t the issue. I’m talking are you dishes under control and is your toilet clean? Are your floors swept?
I ask because when I go to someone’s home and it’s gross I have a hard time staying. I don’t mind everyday living or clutter from kids or toys. I’m mean if I go to your bathroom and it’s obviously not been cleaned recently it’s just uncomfortable.
She seems very…. I don’t want to say controlling so I’ll just say “strong willed”.
I’d dial it back if It were me. She’s quite demanding and dependent.
Dinner every night? That sounds exhausting — are you sure you want to be in this relationship if your preferences don’t count for anything? That’s also BS with the dogs vs. cats — like sure, dogs tend to be more “needy” (I love dogs) — but an evening alone once or twice a week won’t hurt them, if you give them a nice setup (food, bed, water, ambient sound, etc…).
Your gf sounds needy as hell, and I would draw a clear boundary in this situation. She can either accept that boundary, or end the relationship.
She is not a cat person and has no empathy for them. She has no respect for your priorities and is bulldozing you. Let her go.
Your relationship is one sided. You are meant to cater to her while she does the bare minimum when it comes to you. Since you’re definitely not gonna listen and gonna stay, you’re in for a very miserable life. Good luck
If she doesn’t want to leave her dog alone thats fine but saying YOU can’t stay home is controlling and unreasonable. You should spend every other day at home or out with friends/family imo. Its not healthy to only see each other. Put your foot down now or be cut off from your friends and family forever.
Ok, so the cat thing is totally true. The cat won’t have any issues if you leave it with a good auto feeder.
You can’t do that at all with a dog. Please be understanding. You can’t compare cats to dogs. Also, this is where she’s comfortable – her home.
It’s not an equality thing. She needs all her stuff to feel good, and she has to take care of the dog. She can’t leave the dog alone.
You should be more understanding of her needs and wants. You could try bringing your cat on a carrier if you’re super worried.
I think this is where you have to think what’s more important to you – being right or having a good relationship with your gf. Being right is not always good for your relationship.
Is your apartment clean?
I have done this with friends with smelly or gross apartments. Love them as a person and I don’t want to make them feel bad so I just push for them to come to my house instead.
Weird though, if this is the case, that she wouldn’t tell you straight up after a year of dating
Why do you have to see each other every day, a night apart from each other once a week ain’t gonna hurt and you both get to do things you don’t do together
So you have abandoned a live qnimal in your house because younare with Crappy Girlfriend every single night???
Poor cat. Please find someone to adopt the pet that you have abandoned.
By the way, most places will not allow you to just adopt one animal anymore. Whether it is a cat or a dog, there must be another animal they can interact with.
Next time someone tells you cats are “independent” you reply with:
“That does not mean that they don’t need love, quality time, and affection. You clearly have only met some really boring cats.”
She can’t bring her dog to you place?
Look either way, she sounds like a very difficult person to be with
Man you really need therapy on why you let people treat you like this especially based on your last post. It’s not normal. It can be hurt from the past so therapy will help you understand setting proper boundaries.
She doesn’t respect you and is unwilling to hear you.
Not all cats are independent creatures that want to be left alone, in fact most of them are not. They bind as closely and in some cases more closely then dogs.
If she isn’t willing to work together to find a compromise then you had better be willing to let her decide everything going forward.
This is not healthy my advice would be to say goodbye learn from this and grow. You’ll be better able to make and keep boundaries in the future if you learn from this.
Soooo what’s your apartment like? Because I have been in many 22 yo m apt and for the most part they’re down right disgusting.
Just from the fact that she said the phrase “that’s not an option” it means that she does not respect you. She is not even WILLING TO CONSIDER your feelings. Also, it’s perfectly healthy to have some time apart