Hi, I kinda need an objective perspective and advice from people that weren’t involved. And asking random strangers on the internet seems as good a place as any. Sorry if this is a little long.
So some background; My father(?), Matt, and I have never gotten along well. In fact he hates me. I’m the product of an affair my mother had years ago. He did forgive her and as far I know they’ve had a fine-ish relationship since. My childhood was hell. My siblings got whatever they wanted. I didn’t. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and I’d constantly be berated and insulted, but never anything physical. All my past relationships also went tits up in part because of him.
Due to all this I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and went minimum contact. (Minimum because I still loved my Mom, so inevitably I’d sometimes get in contact with him.)
When I was 21, I met and fell in love with my current boyfriend. We live together. The man has become my rock. He’s helped build up my self-esteem and self-worth. He’s caring, supportive, loving, handsome, and I find it difficult if not impossible to find any flaws.
A thing I’ve noticed early on is that he never gets angry. NEVER. (Important later.) For things that will 100% piss off anyone, he’ll only get mildly annoyed, say something like “it can’t be helped” or “such is life”. Apparently it’s because he practices something called taoism.
Over the last two years he’s only met Matt a few times briefly, but he gets along with my mother and other relatives.
Hopefully that’s enough backstory.
Now, the weekend two weeks back my mother invited us to a get-together with the entire family to celebrate my older sister’s 30’th birthday.
I immediately declined, foreseeing a horrible outcome. You see, a thing about Matt is, he only gets courage to REALLY speak his mind when he’s had a few drinks. Sober, it’s mostly snarky remarks and pettiness. So given this history and the fact that I know there’ll be alcohol at this event, I did NOT want to be anywhere near that vicinity.
But my mother was super insistent. Emphasizing how important it was to my sister that I be there. So with that, along with my boyfriend’s assurance that he’ll keep me safe if I wanted to go, regrettably, I caved.
So we went.
The first half was alright. I avoided that *thing* like the plague, and he stayed away from me. My sister and her husband looked so good and happy together. It was great to catch up with my grandparents and family members I haven’t seen in a long time.
While I was getting lost dancing in my boyfriend’s arms and talking, I felt really good and was happy we came.
After the dance though, my boyfriend excused himself and asked me if he could quickly go grab something from the car. I was a bit reluctant because we’d parked in a lot quite a distance away.
But I reckoned since Matt hasn’t pulled any shit yet, he probably won’t do anything. So let my boyfriend go.
As soon as he left, my mother and aunt approached me while Matt was kinda just lurking nearby. We talked about miscellaneous things and I was gushing about my boyfriend. My mother started asking about marriage and future kids. As a side note; none of my siblings or I had kids yet. That’s when Matt for the first time, opened his mouth. “It would be good to finally have grandkids, even if they are from someone like *you.*”
I should have just ignored it like all the other times he said shit about me, that was my mistake. I said something like “Keep dreaming old man, my children won’t ever be near someone like *you.”*
He gave me this look and said “what the fuck did you just say to me?”
I said “You fucking heard me.” Then he tried to start with his usual insults, but I cut him off. I don’t know what got into me, if i was just tipsy or what, but for the first time I spoke up for myself. I really layed into him about what a pathetic excuse for a father he was for treating me like he did my whole life, what a spineless hypocritical loser he was for always spouting crap about forgiveness when he always treated me like shit for something can’t control. (he always liked to brag about what a better man he was for forgiving a cheating wife.)
Before I could say anymore, he grabbed by the shoulders, and violently started shaking me while shouting in my face, “Who are you talking to? You thing you can fucking talk to me like? You’re nothing. Nothing! Your mother should have killed you before you were born!”
I burst into tears.
Nobody was doing anything to help me. I don’t know if they were in shock or what, but I was really scared about what this lunatic would do.
That’s when my boyfriend came back.
“Matthew!” he shouted. Everything went quiet. “What do you think you’re doing?” Matt just froze and before he could respond, my boyfriend continued. “Let go of her now, or I’ll fucking kill you.”
It’s hard to describe, but the look of fury in his face, and that coldness in his voice was really fucking terrifying. Everyone there including me, fully believed him. I don’t know how, but it didn’t come across like those bullshit threats people sometimes make. He was going kill him.
Matt looked about ready to shit himself. He dropped me like I was electrocuting him, and slowly backed away with his hands up.
My boyfriend didn’t even have a weapon or anything, he was just glaring at him. Then he looked at me and his face softened. He held out his hand, and my own paralysis wore off. I ran into his arms, sobbing all the way back to our place.
He held me in bed as I asked him over and over again why did he leave me? He just kept apologizing with tears in his eyes. I finally asked what was so important that he had to get from the car. He gave me a sad smile and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box.
I just said “Yes, yes, yes!” as I cried again. I was just an emotional sobbing mess but was so happy something good at least came out of that day.
Now this is where things get a little crazy. For the next two weeks my mother, and other family members have been blasting my phone with messages concerned for my safety .
You see, while they agree that that *thing* was out of line, the situation has been twisted into my boyfriend being a psychopath. He is not! There’s been a bunch of failed interventions, they even got some of my friends involved, and the police were even called once. Apparently no one can just switch personalities like that, that was the *real* him, he’ll hurt me eventually, bla bla bla…
The whole thing has been stressing me out, and I’ve had several breakdowns. I don’t even have the energy to be happy about my engagement. Sometimes I’ve even been questioning it myself. Are they right? Will he hurt me? I’ve never seen him like that, and for a moment it did scare me as well. But for fucks sake he just saw his girlfriend get attacked by someone, and now that fact has just been slid under the rug and forgotten by everyone.
My boyfriend even picked up on it and said he’ll understand if I want us to take a break. I nearly broke down again and assured him he’s the love of my life and I’ll never leave him.
But now I’m just so fucking confused and can’t think straight. The stress is killing me, and every time I think even for a second if everyone is right and I’m just seeing through rose tinted glasses, the guilt starts crushing me. It’s all just getting too heavy.
What can I do? What advice can you all give me? Is there something I’m missing? Is everyone just gaslighting me? But for what reason?
If I can just get some guidance, advice, anything really, I’d deeply appreciate it. Thank you.
44 comments
Stay with him, that’s all I can say
Worried about your BF and him defending you from your ‘father’ putting his hands on you? What sort of messed up gaslighting is that.
Please give your BF a high-five for me. He did NOTHING wrong.
That. Is. Gaslighting.
Because now, you have someone who loves you and will defend you.
so they are ok to tolerate an actual abusive person who is horrible to you, but someone who was defending you they want you to cut contact with? what the hell? from what you’ve described, they are in the wrong for saying this to you. if he has never shown any indication of hurting you, why should you think he would.
OK this was confusing because I kept thinking matt was your dad as you didn’t name the man. I had exactly the same experience when I had an argument with my mother’s boyfriend. In my house. My boyfriend actually pulled him off me and threw him out of the room. It’s nothing I’m proud of, it broke my table and ruined our party. I hope you are OK.
Where’s your bio dad and family?
Get therapy and stay with your BF. He did nothing wrong. Too bad Matt was scared, he should not have laid hands on you. Also, you could have him arrested for shaking you. He’s the one who should be in jail.
1. Good for you for standing up to your abuser.
2. Your BF is the hero. Perfectly normal(ish) reaction if someone is hurting a loved one.
3. Your family is trying to gaslight you. If I had to guess, I’d say that your abuser is stirring the pot behind the scenes, working everyone up. He wants you to pay for standing up to him and embarrassing him.
4. You owe your family nothing – it may be time to go no contact. They watched you be bullied, ignored, berated, abused for your entire childhood and /now/ they’re concerned for your well-being being? Nah.
5. If you’re not already, seek therapy to unpack your traumatic childhood.
I get that you may love your mom, but she never protected you. She allowed her husband to treat you like less than. She wanted you at the birthday party for herself. I doubt that your sister desperately wanted you there. I don’t think it mattered to your sister one way or another. I think your mom wanted you there. Yet, she again did not shut down her husband when he started trash talking you and laid hands on you.
Your mother’s husband LAID HANDS ON YOU and NOONE stopped him but your BOYFRIEND. They all want you to be the submissive mistake. When you stood up to Matt started to unleash all the anger her felt over the years because every time he looks at you he remembers what your mother did. This is not your fault. This is their fault, their mess.
You need to go no contact with all of them, and marry your boyfriend. He is the only one in your corner when it counted. He stopped the angry trash your mother stayed married to from beating on you because that’s what he would have done if your boyfriend hadn’t been there. Because no one else at that party would have stopped Matt.
Your boyfriend PROTECTED you. It’s the first time in your life that someone protected you. Your family HATES that he stood and protected you, because they want you as the submissive mistake. They don’t want you to have a protector.
First, take a timeout from your family for 2 months. You need to decompress. Then the friends that your family got involved in this, if you value their friendship, sit down with them for coffee and tell them everything, show them this post about how crappy your childhood was because you were the affair baby, tell them what Matt said and did to you. Then tell them that Matt was the first person ever to stop your mother’s abusive husband from abusing you. Tell them that is your truth and they can choose to believe you or all of your so called family that allowed your mother’s husband to treat you like trash for your entire childhood and allowed him to lay hands on you at the party. They need to choose who they are going to believe. If they choose to not believe you, then they are no longer your friends.
Your boyfriend made it crystal clear to everyone at that party including Matt that he will never tolerate you being abused. Do I think he was really going to kill Matt, no. But if Matt hadn’t taken his hands off you, your boyfriend would have fought him to get him off of you and away from you because he is your protector. He loves you and will do anything necessary to keep you safe. He used very strong words to get Matt to stop. That was his preferred option, to make it clear with words that it was not acceptable for Matt to abuse you. If it had come down to a fight, he would,have fought, because your safety is more important to your boyfriend than his own safety.
The family knows about how Matt treats you. They have watched it your entire life. They have seen and heard the toxicity, the abuse. And they let it happen because they are all cowards, enablers to a pathetic man.
This is just the next stage of that. The first time you ever stand up for yourself the abuse escalates and then your boyfriend saved you as they all watched like pathetic slugs.
And that awakens in them the obvious questions: why didn’t they ever do that? Why didn’t they ever help you? How wretched and weak and vile are they for pretending this gross dynamic Matt had with you [and them by extension] was ever okay?
So instead of facing that they project. The one who rescued you, the one that exposed their hypocrisy and weakness, he is the bad one. He is the one that threatens to shatter their ability to maintain the status quo. The monster they’ve kept in plain site and the crimes they themselves are culpable for having allowed it to happen.
I can’t even call it evil. They are just weak, spineless, pathetic. You have always viewed this as a Matt problem but it isn’t. It’s a them problem. And this has forced you to face it is time you view them as people you also need to avoid for letting it happen.
First of all, you’ve gone through a lot in your life that no one should have to go through.
Secondly, no one seems to stand up to Matt for the rotten way he treats you and his duplicitous way of doing things. From what you said, no one seems to do the right thing when it comes to his awful behavior, not even your mother (right?). What happened with your boyfriend is outright strange. The one guy that finally stands up to Matt and all everyone can say is how terrible your boyfriend is, but seemingly giving Matt a pass.
I say give the boyfriend a chance through counseling, just to make sure he’s ok. Your boyfriend deserves more of your love and admiration and trust than anyone in this story. Tell him you need to make sure that everything is cool with him so you two can move forward.
There’s no reason to ever see Matt again. Your family has let you down in that regard.
I wish you all the best for your future. It’s time to create a better life for yourself.
FFS, they did nothing while Matt was shaking you and have the balls to say BF is dangerous?
You really need to go low contact and get some therapy. Your family are the dangerous ones!
You’ve been emotionally beaten down by a bunch of terrible people. Its time to face it, your entire family is shit. They let this happen for years. They let you be treated like dirt. They let Matt hurt you. They let him emotionally abuse you. They let Matt grab you and threaten to hurt you. They let him say what he said about your mother killing you.
Your bf is the only one on your side here
He is a KEEPER. A strong man is able to keep cool in most situations but also at the same time, direct his fury to those who can hurt you is NEXT LEVEL
They are trying to deflect Matt’s insane reaction on to your boyfriend. The sad thing is your dad never forgave your mother and took his anger out on you. And he was allowed to do it. He’s abusive. They all got used to you being the lowest on the totem pole, and couldn’t deal when they saw you young and happy and moving on with someone who will actually love and protect you. Matt needed to spoil your happiness and make you feel small and unsafe. Your boyfriend came back, witnessed abuse and did exactly what your whole family should have done years ago – stood up for you.
Think about it like this. If you saw someone abusing your boyfriend, throwing them around if you split for a few minutes – wouldn’t you want to hurt that person? Stand up for them? He had a completely natural reaction. And didn’t actually hit him. Matt needed to be told, if you hurt her again I’ll hurt you, and Matt needed to believe him. Bullies don’t listen to anything else but threats.
And now, he’s embarrassed that he was emasculated. They’re so used to defending this bully that they will twist the narrative to yet again hurt you. Your boyfriend is on your side. You need to tell your family that you’re glad someone finally stood up for you and you’re glad that you finally have someone who puts you first and protects you. He is sticking around and Matt had better keep his hands to himself in future. And tell your relatives if they cared about your safety they should have stepped in sooner and stopped Matt from emotionally, psychologically and now physically abusing you. That you’re afraid of Matt, they know that but they still force you to be around him. And now you have someone to love and protect you from him and they had better get used to it. You don’t want to hear any more negative press about the man you love who keeps you safe.
And never call Matt your father, he’s not acting like a father. He deserves nothing but scorn.
You are listening to people who allowed your father to treat you horribly all your life. I would block them all and enjoy my fiance. He is a good man. He stood up for you while the rest of your family did nothing, including your mother. Your mother is a piece of work talking about your fiance abusing you when she watched your dad do it to you and did nothing to stop it. She is just as much to blame as your dad. Forget these people and trust in your fiance. Best of luck to you.
My parents can’t stand my bf either. They constantly beg me to leave him and move back in with them, yet they pretend that being alcoholics 24/7 is better than my sober bf that has done more for me the past 5 years than they have.
Go no contact. That’s what I did. Way less stress that way.
Why are you listening to people who hate you and don’t defend you. Your own mother treats you like it your fault.
Pull your head out of your butt and cut them off.
My advise it to press charges on Matt, you have multiple witnesses to back you up, and if they are going to do that then I would cut them off. Honesty they should be in utter shame over their inaction.
Its really telling that they all just stood around and did sweet fuck all when Matt man handled you, and all it took was a single sentence from someone who actually gave a shit to make it stop.
You BF showed incredible restraint in not hurting Matt right then and his calm under pressure is amazing.
That is a man that has your back.
I am a very even tempered , kind man. I do however have a temper. I have worked very hard for many years to remain calm when most would not because it is not worth losing my temper. I know even those that love me are frightened when I get close to that point. Few things can push me there but touch one of my family and I am there.
Your fiancée sounds like my kind of guy. He walked in and saw a scene which would be a nightmare to him then responded in a natural way to protect the woman he loves. Your family should be thanking him for stopping the assault they allowed to continue. When no one else stood up to protect you he was willing to inflict bodily harm if needed. You are making the correct decision by standing by his side.
I wish you both the best.
Practicing your creative writing skills i see
My hubs has talked about his bad temper in the past – in the 10 years we’ve been together he’s never once lost it. The first time I’ve ever really seen him angry was when we were fighting with my parents on the phone and he slammed his fist on the counter and started screaming at them.
I haven’t ever felt nervous around him and I still don’t. Your fiancé(!!!!!) went into protector mode. Your family is also trying to move the attention away from that thing’s behavior and the fact that no one acted.
Your whole family sucks, they all just stood there and watch you be abused you’re whole life. Ignore them, go NC and stick with your bf he’s a keeper
The thing is what tried to hurt you. You need to remind your mom of that. And how they all just stood there and watched. Remember who stood up to help you in your time of need. It wasn’t your family, but your bf. So thinking that he’s gonna hurt you when he stood up for you is wrong.
Your boyfriend is amazing. Your family wants him to be a monster because they allowed a grown man to abuse a child for years. If your boyfriend is the problem, then Matt can be the victim. They don’t have to ask themselves why they never stopped Matt from hurting you as a kid. If your mom is involved in these interventions… oof. That’s a whole other ball of wax.
I really urge you to get therapy.
In the meantime, try reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members.
Mazel Tov. Don’t invite your family to the wedding.
Your bf is a prince charming!! He has your back.
Your dysfunction family are using him as a distraction.. gaslighting for your a- hole father behavior.
Congratulations!! On engagement.
This will blow over.
Stand by your man. Your family has let you down and they are enabling an abuser. Boyf had an appropriate reaction to the situation and they are off him because he reflects their in-action back onto them. You need to spend some time away from them and please talk to a councillor and get some help re setting boundaries with them/ navigating no-contact. Best of luck friend ❤️
Your mother, who stays with a man who abused and still abuses her child, because SHE cheated has an opinion on safe relationship?
You shouldn’t love your mother. She allowed the asshole to treat you badly for what SHE did
You need to stay with your bf and go no contact with your horrible family
Seeing your female partner being physically assulted by another man is the best reason to see red. He didn’t lose control he gave fair warning. Your family have stood by for years and watched you get abused. They are the problem. Defending someone who is being physically assulted and they are blaming the defender. Your step Dad laid hands on you.
Tell the whole family if they say another word on the subject you will press charges on Matt.
Your friends and family (especially family) are fucked .
Any single person who says you should leave your boyfriend is an easy block. Tell them how abusive Matt is behind closed doors, and that they are no longer warranted in your life.
Matt has twisted it into him being attacked for no reason, and unfortunately they’ve decided it’s less hassle for them to go along with him than stand by you.
I’m sorry. I’ve seen it before, and in far more egregious circumstances.
I’m glad your fiancé stood up for you.
There was a violent person at the party. Matt verbally and physically attacked you. Saving another person from harm is not a crime. That’s what your boyfriend did. Did you ask your friends and family why they were not the one’s to come to your rescue? Why they did not do or say anything to stop Matt from further abusing you? Did you ask them how much verbal and physical abuse would it take before they asked Matt to stop? Is there a line they wouldn’t let him cross in relation to you? The next time someone calls or texts you about your boyfriend, I urge you to ask these questions. And to remind them only one person insulted you and laid hands on you that day, and it wasn’t your boyfriend. Defending someone under attack is legal. Physically attacking someone is not. Please remember that. I myself grew up with violent family members and was never able to defend myself inside or outside the home. But I always had the courage and reaction time to defend a friend who came under attack. Defense and aggression are really not the same impulse. Don’t doubt your loving boyfriend.
First, he did nothing wrong. Some people are going full psycho when their loved one is at threat, and it’s better to bark really loud so you don’t hav to bite. He did well. Happy you have him.
Second, as he is practicing taoism, did you ever chat why, did he use to have anger issues? if yes, it is great he is controlling it but it would be good to talk it through.
And third, sorry to say this, but you have a shitty family. Yes you love them, and they surely love you back, but no one is protecting you from that shitty excuse of a father. No sane person should ever blame a child for the parents mistakes. Maybe address it with them, why are they never shielding you, why are they ok now as adults with Matt’s behavior. Give them something to think about and tell them not to meddle in your relationship. If you need help, you’ll ask for it.
Go no contact with both of your “parents”. You love your mom but she has done an absolute shit job of protecting you from Matt. Go live your life free from these asshats.
1. Move away. Far enough that there’s an easy excuse for you to not go to family functions or for your family to show up without being invited.
2. Send everyone this message (together or separate): “You have all stood by as Matt abused and neglected me. Now I finally have someone who will protect me and stand by my side while I stand up for myself. All of you failed me that night; he was the only one who didn’t. I’m saying with my fiancé and I won’t hear a word against him. If you suggest he is abusive for stopping Matt from physically assaulting me, then it will be the end of our relationship.” And then **stick by it**.
So let me get this straight…
Your “father” assaulted you in front of the whole family, nobody did anything. And your boyfriend is the psico because he scared the guy who was assaulting you once again?
The only ones who are bad for you are the people who allowed that abusive guy around you until you were 18.
Go Nc with all of them. Family are the people we choose.
Put those losers out of your head. Stop letting them control your life. Your family’s problem is very simple – they cannot stand the idea that someone cares enough for you to actually tear good old Matt limb from limb. Your new fiancé has altered their reality; they can no longer abuse you and get away with it.
I’ve lived a long time and seen a lot of family interactions. What you have here is a case of them blaming your man for having the balls to stand up for you when they can’t be bothered. Cut them all off and stick with the guy that actually cares for you. And it ain’t daddy!
Please send this post to your family so they can see how disgusting they are.
Everyone has something that will trigger anger. Most like your BF learn to control and channel that anger and it rarely comes out into the open. Your BF and I have the same trigger, someone hurting a loved one. Maybe it’s a throwback to the days when the men had to physically defend their women from imminent danger but that still exists in most men.
If I were you, the response to my family questioning his actions and personality would be “first off, you don’t know him and second I’m proud that he stood up for me while I was being abused while you didn’t even raise your voice. He showed he loved and cared for me. What did you do?” Tell them you expect an apology to him about what you are saying about him and you expect an apology from those you just stood there and did nothing.
If they don’t apologize, just don’t send them a wedding invite or have anything to do with them. Anyone who sides with an abuser is an enabler to that abuse.
Your BF stuck up for you when nobody else would. He’s your rock for a reason. Stick with him.
The rest of your family can go and pound rocks, while you stay with your real rock.
Also, elope!
Keep the man; lose the family. They should have defended you. They didn’t. Your fiance will be an amazing husband.
They are all being manipulated by your stepfather at this point because he must be livid that for once someone didnt allow his bullshit to last long. Looks like your bf loves you and nothing he said or did was near as serious as what your stepdad did all these years. Tbh I would’ve decked the guy without saying a word
These are the same family members that did NOTHING while you were being assualted both verbally and physically?
Ask them why they did nothing.
Your bf did the right thing by sticking up for you, and he did it without ending up in jail.