My wife and I are getting the results of our fertility tests this evening.
I’m not exceptionally confident in my results, due to have a fairly wild 20s, so am expecting the worst. I think I’ll be able to cope with bad news, if it involves me, but it’s my wife I’m worried about.
She will likely feel like she has failed if she finds out that she can’t have children (due to issues with her, not with me) – this sort of black and white “pass or fail” mentality has been ingrained in her since she was a kid and I worry about how bad news will sit with her.
Has anyone got any advice on how to manage the initial shock of bad news, should it come and how to manage the longer term effects that may come with this news?
16 comments
If y’all really love each other, then it will be ok either way. Thats what love is all about.
You know Steve O’s jizzes were well above average when he got tested so partying hard doesn’t necessarily mean they’re all swimming in circles.
The AMH is just one indicator, the Dr will talk you both through the results so try not to panic modern fertility medicine is quite advanced these days.
If there is a viable egg and a viable sperm, you can get a surrogate mother. That mother doesn’t need to be in the US, either. I remember there’s a solid industry for that in India, with american trained doctors. The women will have 2-3 kids, and it will set up their husband with a small business and put money in the bank. They’re fully housed and fed by the surrogate program, to ensure proper nutrition as well.
Not saying you need to go to India, just saying that a single egg and single sperm can be sufficient to get children for the two of you with a surrogate. Even if it looks grim…there might still be an opportunity.
The DINK lifestyle isn’t so bad, really—consider that. If you still really, really want sprogs….I mean there’s a million different options to explore–I’m sure you know that.
I have never received results of such test, but I believe that it is stated mostly with the likelyhood of being able to get pregnant (therefore not 0/1 but more like 0-100%).
Either way, if the results for your wife come out worse than she would like, make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, what she means to you, regardless of the possibility to have a kid
It’s going to be tough if it’s not the news your hoping for. Be there for each other and if it’s your wife, keep letting her know that this is not her fault. More importantly, there’s more than one way to have a child and start a family. Where they come from isn’t what’s important in the long run. Good luck.
I think there’s really no short term advice for this. She should just get rid of the idea that having kids is her only purpose and that if she doesn’t she has failed at life. If she still has parents pressing this stupid belief on her, work towards cutting them out entirely.
If she’s convinced of the above, I don’t think there’s much you can do apart from just sticking to each other if you truly love each other.
There are a lot of kids without parents, and if you’re hopeful parents-in-waiting, just without being able to conceive in the exact manner that you’d planned, adoption can be the most challenging, rewarding, stressful, wonderful, maddening, and healthy thing for the three (or, hey, maybe more!) of you.
There is an extra type of loyalty specifically present in kids who are literally chosen by someone to be their child, and who get to live always knowing what it is to feel wanted *in the most literal way*, and treated exactly like you’d treat your biological kid. Because that’s precisely how we want to be treated: just a regular, ol’ kid in their own family…just like everybody does…
I said “how *we* wanted to be treated” because…well, I’m kind of an expert (in a way!) on the subject of being adopted!
And, hey, I’m only slightly joking when I say that when you adopt one of us, you can choose the “with” or “without” dirty diapers option, lol!
(If anyone’s wondering, ***yes***, you can laugh at that joke. I do. We *all* do…not because it’s hilarious, but because there aren’t many adoption jokes out there! So , yeah, all of us know it, and we also know that there’s nothing more wonderful in a tough moment than a good laugh at a bad joke…plus, if you adopt, regardless of which “option” you select, you can make that joke in *our family* for decades to come!
My wife and I have gone through 6 miscarriages and attempt at adopting. Eventually decided we were going to be child free.
The initial shock of not having kids you do feel like a failure, but you have to take a step back and look at your options (this takes time as all healing does.) Maybe adopting is right for you, do research, ask around.
You are going to grieve for the loss of life you never had. You had this idea in your head and that idea has died just like a loved one, but like the death of a loves one, you heal over time.
My wife and I when we decided to stop trying and just enjoy being child free was a freeing experience. We’re nicer to each other. We aren’t spending tons of money on fertility treatments. No more weekly doctor visits. We can buy whatever the hell we want and not have to worry about anything.
If bad news comes, grieve with it like you would a loss of a loved one and try to figure out what you can do living without them, OR if there are options that may be available to still achieve the end result is a less “conventional” way.
I wish you the best of luck. If you guys do get bad news, you’re life isn’t over, it will just be a different path or different than the way you imagined it. Take the time to process and work through the pain, eventually you will make it out the other side.
My dude, technology these days is amazing. A couple hundred years ago, they’d look at what we do and call it a miracle from God. Even if you’re almost completely infertile there’s still options. Now, they may cost money. The way to deal with bad news will simply be, “Well, this is going to be more expensive that we thought.”
And then you re-evaluate your time line.
What’s wild 20s mean? Please elaborate.
Can always ask to use her sister for serogot (sp) mother
I had mine checked a couple of times. One doctor said it was too low. Another said he’s seen people get pregnant with lower. My wife was tested and put on fertility drugs. What changed was after dealing with it for several years and me saying I was content with one, which we already had, I told my wife I was sad she didn’t get two like she wanted. After hearing that, she was pregnant within a couple of weeks. Eight years of trying, and there was no good explanation as to why she finally got pregnant. She was off fertility treatments when she did get pregnant.
I would take some time to grieve the life that you guys thought you could have, but also within some shortish space of time start to plan the different life you can now have. It’s better in a way after some time to set your face to the future, think about what else you might want to get out of life (the DINK lifestyle, do you want to take up some really cool hobbies, travel loads, whatever it may be).
And it does help me in those kinds of things to think that I’m grieving an expectation of my life rather than a failure of myself – so it’s okay to be sad, but try to keep the mentality that it’s not on you (you being her).
How old are y’all?
One of the saddest places I’ve ever been is the fertility center waiting room, lots of tears and lots of desperate people who want to be parents. For us guys it’s pretty easy, we wank off into a cup but for them it’s all sorts of invasive shit and then you have the “two week wait” which is painful. Talk to your wife and decide where you draw the line, it can get really rough and it will take a toll on your marriage.
It’s going to be more disappointment than anything, again you wait two weeks building up hope and then nothing, then you do it again and again. After a few repetitions then it starts getting bad and you have to come up with a life plan B and sadly even if you get past the goalie you’re not out of the woods you have a few months where things can go wrong. That said there has been quiet a lot of progress in fertility so who knows, maybe you’ll be lucky and if not you get to be the fun aunt and uncle.
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Good luck,