Today, I was making our bed and straightening up the room, and found a camera on our bedside table. Quite a bit of work had gone into camouflage, as it was inserted into a box with a hole cut in for the lens. Then a bandana cut to disguise the box, also with a hole cut into it for the lens. The rest of the bandana was set around it. It was plugged into an odd white cord.
Now, in hindsight, I can recall a couple of things that I didn’t think anything of at the time.
First, seeing the bandana on his bedside table, which was odd only in that I don’t love clutter, and I hadn’t remembered him wearing it in years. I think it’s been there for at least a few weeks.
Second, I remember opening the curtain/blinds on his side of the bed, accidentally bumping something that fell behind the bedside table onto the ground, and when I picked it up, seeing that odd white cord, plugged into the wall but with nothing plugged into it, and vaguely wondering what it went to.
He’s a gadget guy so it could have gone to any number of iPhone/Apple Watch accessories, could be a charger for our many toys, etc.
Here’s what’s crazy. I’m kinky. I’m all for videoing us doing anything. I’m also non-monogamous (I’m VERY picky, I don’t internet date, I’m NOT here to meet anyone, thank you) and we have often videoed our own playtime as well as my playtime with a friend or two. No big deal. I’m not a prude and I have no objection to kink or video thereof, as long as all parties are consenting and I have some say in what’s being recorded and how.
What I DO object to, is a non-consensual ***hidden*** camera, pointed past his pillows and at my side of the bed. Because …WHY??? Why do this?
I took a picture of it and sent it to him with a “WTF” and he came running into the room with a couple of BS stories (It never worked, he didn’t want me to know he spent money on it) to which I was even more angry- because I know him and I know they’re both lies. I replied that I needed time to calm down.
Neither of those things is even remotely a valid reason or excuse to violate my trust, my boundaries- and NO – I don’t believe the camera never worked. Too much effort went into hiding it, and it was propped on top of a set of books. Not tossed in a drawer.
What else haunts me is… where was it the day it was unplugged? It’s obviously a wireless remote camera. Where was it that day?
What would you do? After 20+ years married, through some really great, and also some really hard, horrible times – and everything in between. We have Kids, and pets, we own a home and car and mutual property together, so “just leave him” is both reactionary and unrealistic as a whole answer. But I also don’t feel safe anywhere right now and don’t know what to do.
25 comments
Wow. First, I’m sorry. That’s a lot to process. You have to give a deadline to talk about this. Three or four days? Whatever works for your schedule, but it has to happen.
Silence is your friend. Uncomfortable silence makes people talk. Silence and then just listen. Then, schedule another time to talk after you processed that conversation.
The possibilities vary too much after that. Again, I’m sorry. That truly sucks. Keep us posted.
Oh HEEEELLLLLL no. Uh uh. That is such a hideous invasion of privacy. I don’t care how kinky you are or how many times you’ve filmed stuff before, doing that without your consent isn’t ok. Are you sure he didn’t post anything to a site somewhere to make money off of it?
Hard, clear boundaries need to be laid down. And ask him all of your questions. Sounds like you’ll know if he’s lying. He needs to know there would be consequences if this ever happened again.
1. Take pictures of the setup. Now.
2. Take a few days and look for other hidden recording equipment – microphones, etc.
3. Search any devices for files and whether or not they were uploaded or sent anywhere.
4. File a police report and get the hell out of there.
Maybe he was filming himself with someone else?
I noticed a camera in our room
It wasn’t hidden, but it was there and I didn’t know about it
I felt super super creeped out and there was no attempt to hide it
I am here to validate your creeped outness
Do you think there is a question of infidelity? Or wanting to monitor your conversations?
Do you think he was posting it online?
Oh lord gross
Sorry you’re going through this. My advice is to basically become a cia spy and see what else he’s hiding.Look through everything. I went through something similar. For every rat you see there’s 100 you don’t
OP, you said you are non monogamous, is he or does he support and agree that you are non monogamous and he is not? Even though what he did is 100% wrong, could he be checking up to see who you are hooking up. I’m offering this explanation instead of other posters that have said he posting this on the internet. How often do the two of you hook up?
Demand he give you access to all of his electronics to see what he recorded and if he sent it anywhere. You should do this NOW. Don’t wait for him to erase it. And sorry but leaving him isn’t reactionary. It should be a reality. You can never trust him again.
If you’re bringing “others” into your bedroom for play and that camera has been sitting there then those “others” have a right to know, you need to inform them too of the circumstances and let him explain what’s going on to your play “others”.
This could escalate to a very serious law case or crime if these films show up somewhere.
Just putting this here just incase it gets deleted.
# Husband had a hidden camera pointed at our bed.
Today, I was making our bed and straightening up the room, and found a camera on our bedside table. Quite a bit of work had gone into camouflage, as it was inserted into a box with a hole cut in for the lens. Then a bandana cut to disguise the box, also with a hole cut into it for the lens. The rest of the bandana was set around it. It was plugged into an odd white cord.
Now, in hindsight, I can recall a couple of things that I didn’t think anything of at the time.
First, seeing the bandana on his bedside table, which was odd only in that I don’t love clutter, and I hadn’t remembered him wearing it in years. I think it’s been there for at least a few weeks.
Second, I remember opening the curtain/blinds on his side of the bed, accidentally bumping something that fell behind the bedside table onto the ground, and when I picked it up, seeing that odd white cord, plugged into the wall but with nothing plugged into it, and vaguely wondering what it went to.
He’s a gadget guy so it could have gone to any number of iPhone/Apple Watch accessories, could be a charger for our many toys, etc.
Here’s what’s crazy. I’m kinky. I’m all for videoing us doing anything. I’m also non-monogamous (I’m VERY picky, I don’t internet date, I’m NOT here to meet anyone, thank you) and we have often videoed our own playtime as well as my playtime with a friend or two. No big deal. I’m not a prude and I have no objection to kink or video thereof, as long as all parties are consenting and I have some say in what’s being recorded and how.
What I DO object to, is a non-consensual ***hidden*** camera, pointed past his pillows and at my side of the bed. Because …WHY??? Why do this?
I took a picture of it and sent it to him with a “WTF” and he came running into the room with a couple of BS stories (It never worked, he didn’t want me to know he spent money on it) to which I was even more angry- because I know him and I know they’re both lies. I replied that I needed time to calm down.
Neither of those things is even remotely a valid reason or excuse to violate my trust, my boundaries- and NO – I don’t believe the camera never worked. Too much effort went into hiding it, and it was propped on top of a set of books. Not tossed in a drawer.
What else haunts me is… where was it the day it was unplugged? It’s obviously a wireless remote camera. Where was it that day?
What would you do? After 20+ years married, through some really great, and also some really hard, horrible times – and everything in between. We have Kids, and pets, we own a home and car and mutual property together, so “just leave him” is both reactionary and unrealistic as a whole answer. But I also don’t feel safe anywhere right now and don’t know what to do.
My first thought is he’s live streaming and making money off it.
Hummm… do you think he will show you what he recorded and why? I wonder if he uploaded videos to a porn site.
I’ve just PMd you about a way to scan your network for other devices.
It’s not about the camera, or what he did with the footage, it’s about the lack of consent and the shattering of trust. What he did was take a safe space and make it unsafe. He added trauma to your bedroom, a place where you are most vulnerable both emotionally and physically. Stay focused on that. There is not excuse for doing that to you. There is no excuse for doing that in your home.
Now ask yourself, does this violation undo all the trust built in your relationship? Is it possible for you to trust him again? Is it possible for you to feel safe again in your home, or are you going to be worried he will hide more cameras? Can you feel comfortable in his arms knowing he doesn’t consider your consent worth upholding? Is he someone worth letting between your legs if he can’t value your safety?
I cannot tell you what you should and should not do, because it is your life. What I can tell you is that you’re not trapped. Stay or go, you are free to decide, so take a hold of the power of consent and choose what is right for you.
Don’t give him time to think much more about it or an excuse. Sit him down immediately and sternly explain to him how wrong it is and how violated you feel . Demand right then for him to explain his actions because they don’t make sense except to do something heinous with the video and it’s important for you to know immediately because it will dictate whether or not you have a future with him.
I am so sorry you’ve experienced such a betrayal of your trust. Your post, and this comment thread, are wild to me because you’re so open and exploratory with your sexuality it seems like there is no reason he couldn’t share his desires or interests with you and felt the need to hide a camera. My thought is that you seem value trust and honesty in extremely high regard. Is there a chance that it was the secrecy of the camera that was getting him off in some way? Maybe he liked that he could record you without you knowing?
20 years together and you still don’t know who you share you bed with.
I sometimes wonder if being single provides a much more tranquil life, why are humans so twisted.
I’m sorry your world is upside down today
My husband and i sleep in separate bedrooms. It changes nothing about our marriage except that we just dont share a bedroom.
Id look into it if i were you. Because if it were me, i wouldn’t trust him anymore. At least for a long time. With your own room, you can keep the door locked and have the only key. You can lock it at night or even have a ring camera on your door to make sure no ones going in when u arent there. And if he protests…..too bad. He did what he did and he gets no say in the matter. Make him feel your distrust.
Check your kids’ bedrooms for cameras, or evidence of cameras having been there and recently removed, before deciding “just leave him” is off the table.
My husband’s ex-girlfriend’s dad secretly recorded relations with his (now ex-)wife.
She found out because he’s actually in jail for convincing (bribing/paying/compensating) two teenage boys/young adult men (the same boys/men, over the course of several years) to do the same to their girlfriends/hook-ups.
He sold the videos to some Russian porn site?
Anyway, I’m sure your situation won’t be anything like this, but I still don’t think your husband’s motivation here is pure.
Sounds more like he is simply spying on you.
If you were okay being filmed when permission is asked, and he is aware of that, there is no reason to risk the relationship by hiding the camera without your permission.
If his purpose was to share on the internet without your permission, he wouldn’t hide the camera. It would be much easier to get your permission to film, lie about the purpose of the videos, and then secretly post the videos online. It’s much easier to hide browser history than a physical camera.
When he was hiding the camera under that awkwardly placed bandana he knew you would be upset if you found it.
He was risking the relationship to see what you were doing when you thought nobody was looking.
Please don’t think I am justifying his actions. I don’t think I could justify his decision even if I tried. However, are you sure that he is as happy with the Non-Monogamy as you think? Either he is just naturally creepy OR jealousy drove him insane to the point he would make a creepy decision.
Is there anybody he knows who he would let watch you from a remote location?
Is any of the videos you have made with your consent ever posted online? If so, are the ones involving a play partner posted online, with their consent of course?
Any chance he has picked up a drug habit (other than any, if any, you already know about)?
Do yall share a bank account? Could he have one you are not aware of?
Have you checked his call & text history (from the phone bill/cell provider, as he has probably deleted enough from his phone by now)?
Also, you can buy a little devise (forgot the name) for under $20 that I think works with infrared or similar that detects cameras/video cameras in a dark room. Its good to have one when staying in any hotel or airb&b, etc… happens alot more than ppl think. You should get one and scan every room and for several or many days really.
I would put this on par with infidelity. He broke your trust. If he wants to earn it back eventually he has to be 100% transparent and honest. Couples counseling to understand why he’s doing this. He needs to show all financial transactions related to the camera (when was it purchased) and where data is stored and collected. He needs to hand over his phone and other electronic devices to you whenever you ask so you have access to his texts, emails, venmo/Zelle transactions, bank transactions, etc. Do a scan for other devices in the home. Let at least one trusted other know what’s going on so you have someone else that can support you and help you navigate next steps