TL;DR: My attachment issues are impacting my romantic relationships because I need frequent reassurance from my partner.
I have an anxious attachment pattern.
Hi guys, basically I’m (23f) struggling with an anxious attachment in my romantic relationships, but especially my current girlfriend (23f).
Everything is great in our relationship, my needs are met and we are in love, it’s been nearly 6 months since we met online and honestly i’m very happy.
However, I’m starting to notice that I need reassurance more than i would like. Long story short as a kid both my parents were distant emotionally and physically, and I was regularly on my own.
This usually manifests as me experiencing anxiety about my relationship and me wanting a hug and verbal reassurance.
My partner can find this difficult, especially the physical reassurance as it can make her feel like i question how much she cares, I don’t I just want to hear it sometimes. We’ve spoken about it, I’m aware of the process in my mind and how my anxiety is fundamentally my own creation.
I’m not sure what strategies I can implement to deal with this.I have been through CBT and am a diagnosed bipolar I. Unmedicated but generally stable. I would say this only tends to crop up when we’re in the same space, when she’s elsewhere it doesn’t usually come up.
Thanks for reading, all advice appreciated.
4 comments
Are you currently in therapy? That and medication can help. It’s ok to ask for reassurance from your partner, but when you constantly demonstrate that you don’t feel loved/seen, they can start to feel like nothing they do will make a difference- and to some extent that might be true. No matter how much your partner reassures you, you will still struggle with these feelings, so that’s what you need to treat with therapy.
Would it be possible for you to stop and think about the things that your girlfriend does for you to show she cares when your anxieties act up? Try this method of self-soothing before you ask her for reassurance.
I understand. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old, and they stopped parenting us at that point. When you lack that parental support, it creates a need within you that can make you clingy in romantic relationships.
You have to find a way to be okay with just yourself. People will come and go in your life all the time. It isn’t fair to the others who are present to expect them to meet all our emotional needs. Find a place in the world that is your own. Find a hobby or some sort of passion that makes you feel peaceful and content outside of your relationships. Discover your own purpose and then you when feel less anxious in your romantic relationship.
You are already very much aware of the patterns and mechanisms but you may be missing working with a counselor or sponsor.