My gf has sexual hangups that prevent us from having sex almost ever. This has been an issue since we started dating two years ago and we have been working to find things that help her. In the meantime though I have become very sexually frustrated. I have respectfully discussed this with her, saying that I understand the situation and I want to help in anyway that I can and I don’t want her to feel pressured to please me.
What I want is to be able to sexually satisfy myself as we are dealing with these issues. However, she has let me know she is uncomfortable with me masturbating to anything that isnt pictures of her. That means no porn, no hentai, even no written erotica. I appreciate that sends me nudes, but admittedly it has become kind of boring and frustrating to only jerk off to nudes of my gf I can’t have sex with. I want to be able to explore other fantasies in my own time, but I know that the question from her would be “why am I not enough?” to which I have no good answer really.
Is there a respectful way to navigate this, or is she right in that I should be satisfied an happy only jerking off to her?
12 comments
Dude..
This relationship is toxic and you should leave. Her insecurities control your libido. How you accepted this I do not know but its 2023 we don’t give up porn we’re not addicted to for partners who can’t handle not only sexual intimacy but self intimacy as well. We dump people like her these days. Get with the program, end the relationship, and tell her she needs therapy in a kind tone because its 100% true and the reason you should dump her, her therapy grade issues are intruding on the relationship.
Yeah it’s probably better off that you move on. She’s got issues and life is long if you’re miserable.
Trying to stop a partner from masturbating or looking at porn is way over the line in my opinion and super controlling behavior. Even if you were having sex with her I’d say it was ridiculous but this makes it even more absurd. She doesn’t get to control your entire sexual identity because she is your partner.
I think you need to address this and draw a hard boundary that she doesn’t get to say when you masturbate, what you masturbate to, or even what you consume in general. If she can’t come to terms with that, then I’d say it’s the beginning of the end. The alternative is to be miserable and stay in this relationship marred with insecurity, sexual frustration and suppression. It’s not a good look.
I think the ONLY time a partner has a right to say anything about their partner’s masturbation habits is when it is interfering with their sex life (i.e. stopping them from performing). That obviously isn’t the case here.
No she doesn’t get to dictate what you are and aren’t allowed to jerk off to.
Its your time to please yourself especially if you arent able to be intimate with her. She cant have everything her way, thats not how relationships work. There has to be compromise here. Can she watch porn with you while you jerk off if she wants to be involved? Other than that, she gets no other input really.
Talk to her about what you want and let her know you love her but it’s important. So we can all come to a compromise. Stay with her and don’t have sex as much as you would need. Or ask her about steping out respectfully. Or just leave her
Tell the woman you no longer agree to her boundaries and will watch porn to masturbate like every other honest American male. Tell her that your sexual needs are not being met in this relationship and you will be using porn to satisfy yourself occasionally. Any woman who loves you wants you to have more sexual pleasure (within reason), not restrict it to control you. It’s extremely selfish to dictate that you may only have pleasure if derived from her. You are letting her insecurities take over your sex life.
You’ve been sexually frustrated for 2 years with no end in sight. She should be asking what she can do to help, not the other way around.
> she is uncomfortable with me masturbating to anything that isnt pictures of her
This is ridiculous in a normal relationship, never mind a celibate one.
> “why are my nudes not enough?”
“Because they remind me of what I cannot explore and celebrate with you. When I get off, I just want some visual stimulus that turns me on, not something that reminds me constantly of the challenges we’re facing in our relationship.”
Is this your first relationship? No one who has experienced a satisfying relationship would accept this state of affairs.
Ugh. So she keeps you celibate and polices your masturbation habits?
Bro this will never get better. Do not bog yourself down with this type. There’s better women out there I promise you. Make this one a friend and move on.
I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is if you believe this will ever change, and if not if you can live with these constraints.
I think it’s pretty unreasonable to expect you to only satisfy your urges from pictures of her, when she isn’t willing to satisfy you herself.
Let me clarify by saying I don’t mean that she should do anything she isn’t feeling or doesn’t want to do for WHATEVER reason, but to put restraints (even something like erotica where you can use your imagination)on how you pleasure yourself seems pretty controlling to me.
A person with sexual hangups will never be a good sex partner. The more you excuse it away the more you be on Reddit. She’s also very controlling. This is not a fixable relationship
break up
I can see how you are respecting her boundaries, but sexual incompatibility is enough to break a relationship. You may want to really consider if this type of relationship is one you can see yourself being in for years to come.