First off, we’ve been together for four years so our relationship technically constitutes as gr00ming. However, we’ve had a very strong relationship and I’ve always seen him as being extremely respectful. A few months ago I got into an amazing university out of state and he told me he would not move out of state and that I should attend an in-state university.
After a lot of consideration I chose my education and accepted the out of state school. Yesterday I sent him a long break up text stating that I have to go and that I can’t pass a once in a lifetime opportunity. He shockingly said that he’d be willing to move with me.
I’m happy but I was also kind of excited to be single? I’ve never felt independence. I’ve been dating someone since 14. I hang out with him all of the time – I don’t really have hobbies because all of my time is spent with him. That’s not really his fault and could most likely change if I spoke with him about it.
I just feel slightly restricted I suppose. I don’t have parents so I feel like he took on that role. If I go out at night I have to ask him. He basically always says yes but it comes with the list of how to be safe each time. I lovee going to late night cafes with my friends and he hates it. He says it’s dangerous but i’m typically with around 5 girls when i’m there so to me it’s fine. He often asks for me to be home by 10.
Once I went to a cafe with my friends and after we walked around – it was busy and not dangerous. He watched me on life 360 and saw that and commented on how it’s unsafe. I went to watch the sunset with friends on the beach and it was unsafe to him. He told me to leave.
I know he’s caring for my well-being but at the same time I can care for myself? I’m not an idiot. I bring pepper spray and i’m always with a big group. I’ve never been to a real party, and in college I wanted to at least go to one. I feel like he won’t even let me. I feel like he won’t let me do anything if the sun is SLIGHTLY down.
My university recommends for freshman to not bring a car. I said I probably won’t. He said if I don’t bring my car then I can’t do anything after 6pm????? Maybe that comment is what sent me into this spiral. My university has excellent transportation that specifically caters to the students and provides safety precautions for those traveling late at night. Again, i’d have friends with me and i’d have pepper spray.
He has so many great qualities but I can’t help but feel restricted. I’m not doing crazy things. All i’m trying to do is walk around downtown at night or watch a sunset and I look down and see a bunch of unsafe unsafe unsafe come home texts.
Men HAVE harassed me many times and i’ve been put in a lot of scary situations so I don’t fully blame him, I just wish he’d be a little less strict. I also kind of needed a parent. He basically saved my life because I was a poor no parent kid with no prospects and he helped me become a high achieving student that got a full ride to a great university.
ALSO, if he moves then we’re basically married. Cant really break up with someone if they move across the country and leave everything behind to be with you. Am I ready for that commitment? I don’t know! I don’t really know myself! Maybe I want to be single and I want to try new things but it feels like i’m already married with kids or something. I’m likely being dramatic. I know I have something great but wouldn’t it be nice to explore while I still can.
TL;DR: My boyfriend worries about me so much to the point where it’s making me second guess
4 comments
Leave him behind. There’s caring for your partner’s safety and then there’s controlling your partner by using safety as a guise. He’s clearly in the latter camp. There’s a whole world of experiences out there that await you and you have to trust in yourself to become independent and capable of navigating the world alone. At 18 you are entitled to make decisions about your own life and how you spend your time. Don’t let him become an albatross around your neck and don’t feel guilty about pursuing an education that betters your future prospects. He’s very unlikely to be the person you’re meant to keep around forever, find an equal not a father figure! Wishing you strength and courage on your future journeys 😊
Leave him please! You will absolutely regret staying with him, he’s a predator.
OP he was an 18 year old dating a 14 year old child, are you really surprised he doesn’t want you to grow up?
It’s normal that as you grow up you want to try new things.
It’s kind of him to offer to move with you. But this level of worry will stop you from doing the growing up you have to do.
I think this relationship has probably run its course, and what worked for you as a parent-less 14 yo will not work for you as an independent adult.
I suspect the age difference is making it hard for him to respect you as an adult and an equal: in a partnership, your judgement of what’s “safe” should be exactly as valid as his. What you’re describing doesn’t sound like an equal, respectful partnership.
You were ready to break up. You can still do that. If you can’t bear to, you can at least ask him to wait 6 months while you make your first foray into adulthood independently.