(Throwaway) Not sure if this is the right place to post, so if there’s a better place to ask about this, just let me know!
Husband and I are currently buying our first home (yay!), and we’re psyched, however his mother (my MIL) is upset about a choice we’ve made. Basically, neither husband nor I want other people’s dogs inside our new house. We love dogs, and someday we’ll want our own, but right now we want the inside of our new place to be a dog-free zone. (We also don’t have a fenced yard, so saying “no dogs inside” basically means no dogs, period.) MIL has a young large-breed dog, and it’s becoming clear that she is feeling hurt by our decision. She’s brought it up several times, clearly hoping to change our minds.
First, I want to make it clear that I love my MIL- she has a huge heart, and we have a great relationship. She just loves this dog very much- he’s been a source of love and companionship during a difficult time in her life, and her feelings are hurt that we don’t want him inside our home.
We have 2 main reasons for this rule:
1) We have an older indoor cat who isn’t used to dogs at all. She’ll be adjusting to a new house, and we don’t want to stress her out more by having a large, lively, unfamiliar animal in her new territory. MIL has suggested that we keep our cat in a room with her litter box while she and the dog are visiting, but neither husband nor I think that’s fair to our cat. She’s a solely indoor cat, so this is her only safe space, and husband & I are her primary socialization. She’s an affectionate, playful cat, so to have her locked up in one room, mostly alone for days feels cruel- it’s just not fair to her. Husband’s family’s dogs have their own homes & yards, and they’re frequently taken out to dog-friendly places; our house is the one place our cat can be, and we want her to feel safe and comfortable there.
2) While we both like MIL’s dog (he’s very sweet & friendly), he can be a lot sometimes. He’s very energetic & occasionally jumps up on folks, he barks loudly when he’s not the center of attention, plus he’s got long hair so he sheds a ton. MIL takes him on frequent nature walks (which is great for him!) but it does mean his fur is usually very smelly from rolling in grass/swimming/etc. We don’t want him scratching up our new floors, dirtying upholstery, chewing furniture, breaking delicate items, etc. We’re going to be paying a mortgage soon, so we won’t have lots of extra money to replace things- if stuff gets scratched or stained, we may have to live with it that way for a while.
It’s worth noting that the culture of my husband’s family is extremely pro-dog.There’s this general mentality that dogs are part of the family, and most of MIL’s relatives are totality fine hosting her dog (wouldn’t think twice about it), so she’s hurt by us rejecting her dog from our home.They’ve always owned at least one dog, and they see the occasional broken/stained item as a part of life that you just have to accept- it’s not the dog’s fault, so you either live with it or replace things as needed. Their family doesn’t view or value cats in that way, so MIL doesn’t really get why we refuse to lock up our just-a-pet cat so she can bring her member-of-the-family dog when she visits.
Things are complicated by the fact that our house is located about halfway to where much of MIL’s family lives, including her only grandchildren. The trip to see them is long enough that if she’s going to make the trip, it makes sense to stay for several days, therefore she generally takes the dog with her (as she obviously can’t leave him home alone, and regular dogsitting gets expensive). Husband and I would be fine with her using our place as a waystation (we’d love to see her!), but we’re not ok with the dog staying here. This means that if she wants to stay over at our house on the way to other family, she’d need to leave her dog at home for the whole trip, even if the folks she’s staying with after us would have been fine with hosting both her and the dog.
My husband and I made this rule together, but MIL is clearly sad about it and she’s brought it up to him several times trying to find a loophole, so he’s feeling very guilty and I think his resolve is wavering. I think he’s considering backing down and changing the rule, which bothers me because, as much as I love MIL, she can be a little pushy, and I feel like us caving on this point sets a bad precedent for how our boundaries will be treated for the future. I believe this is a totally reasonable rule for us to set for our home, and I want to stay firm on it. That said, I also don’t want to harm his or my relationship with MIL, so I’m trying to figure out how to make her see where we’re coming from and respect it, and not take it so personally.
Does anyone have advice on how to help guide a dog lover to understand our position on this, or maybe even solutions or compromises that we haven’t thought of? My family likes dogs too, but we never had this kind of extreme “dog person” family culture, so this idea that a dog is automatically invited with their owner is still quite foreign to me, and I don’t know the best way to get across that I can love both her and her dog, and yet still not want the dog inside our house.
Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
23 comments
You’ve already explained your position. She just doesnt want to accept it bc its an inconvenience for her. The thing about boundaries is that you cant take on the other person’s feelings while making them. Your stance on the dog is not unreasonable at all imo, and im a BIG dog lover. This is one of those instances in which “your house, your rules” applies.
Something she could potentially do is to bring her dog with her, board him somewhere in your town, and then bring him the rest of the way with her to other family member’s homes so he’s not in boarding in her hometown the entire duration of her trip.
Whats important now is that you and your husband stick together. If he lets her sway him, it could easily cause resentment b/w you two and if you let her do it once, she’ll expect it every single time. He needs to stop entertaining conversations about it and letting her wear him down. As soon as she brings it up again, he needs to say something like “we’ve already discussed mom, im not getting into it again”. Just shut the whole thing down before it begins.
Im going to link a post about boundaries that i think both you and your husband should read.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/
It’s your house, you can do whatever you want. Stop explaining yourself and getting defensive, your only valid reason for not wanting dogs in your house is that you don’t want them. I’d hate it too personally. I don’t take my dogs to random friends’ houses but always feel comfortable taking them to family because family is family. I can’t think of any family that would say no, fence or no fence. I don’t care about any of your reasons. If you take your dog to someone’s house, they should be very well trained or stay on a leash close to you, but otherwise bring it on. Humans can break things too. Any mess a dog might create is worth it to me because everything is better with dogs, and family events without my dogs are not fun for me. I want them with me.
That said, it’s your house. Keep your foot down and just keep saying no. There’s no explanation that will make them agree they shouldn’t bring their dogs. You just have to not allow it. Period.
Your house, your rules.
Unless the dog is medically necessary then I have no problem with people banning them from their homes. Everybody gets to put in place whatever standards they want for their home.
>My family likes dogs too, but we never had this kind of extreme “dog person” family culture, so this idea that a dog is automatically invited with their owner is still quite foreign to me
If it seems foreign to you, it’s because that’s not a thing. All my friends who have dogs will ask in advance if it’s ok to bring their dog. I’m a cat person and I wouldn’t close off most of my house (and my indoor cat’s living environment) for a dog. My friends are very understanding of this and will find another solution with the dog. Here, your MIL is just being pushy and hoping she’ll wear you down until she wins. It also wouldn’t surprise me if she wears down your husband first and then tries to show up at your place when he’s not there to make it more uncomfortable for you to hold to your boundaries. Before talking to her again, you need to have a serious talk with your husband and reiterate what the boundaries are and that he knows this is something that is a 2 yeses, 1 no situation. It only takes one person saying no to keep the boundary in place.
If she is 60 years old and cannot figure out how to be a respectful adult in other people’s home, here are some options on how to resolve this amicably:
I hope you’re not going to come on here crying about how she won’t visit you because of this. You have to know that this is going to be a reality. She’s going to keep on driving to spend time with her other children, who will accept her dog. You’re allowed your boundaries, and so is she. You have to know this is going to have a serious impact on her relationship with her son. I’m telling you this as someone your mother in laws age. When you hit a certain age, you don’t have time for the drama. You just avoid the drama altogether. I’m pretty sure you and hubby are about to find this out.
It’s YOUR house. My fav motto is MY HOUSE RULES.
You’re allowed your stance. She is allowed hers.
I’d be upset too if I was her…
I don’t see anyone being unreasonable
There is no compromise really, you don’t want the dog there. She brings her dog with her. It’s kind of one or the other.
I will say be prepared for possible blow back from the rest of his family.
Also do you ever bring your cat to her place?
Personally I’d visit a lot less and expect to be visited instead. I never board my dog at a kennel or anything because I had a dog die at one from negligence. Package deal.
I told you this because you didn’t take this option into consideration. I know this is exactly how i would react. I won’t argue with you. I just wouldn’t accept any invitations to your home. If you want to see her, you may have to go to her home.
I love cats and dogs. I think your MIL needs to understand that your cat is as much a part of the family for you as her dog is for her. It’s not appropriate to lock up the cat so the dog can visit – in my opinion. Sure it’s sad and inconvinient for your MIL, but that’s on her side to deal with, not yours. It’s your home after all.
It’s very important that you and your husband are on the same side for this, at least in communication with MIL. It’s fine if your husband struggles with her pushing him and you can comfort him. It’s a shitty situation for him after all. Make sure MIL knows you understand her point, but stick to the rules.
It’s not unreasonable, but the bottom line is that your husband is going to be seeing his mother less, which I can understand would make him sad.
> I don’t know the best way to get across that I can love both her and her dog, and yet still not want the dog inside our house.
Frankly, telling her that you love her dog is pointless. That’s not the issue. The logistics are the issue. She knows you didn’t make this rule because you hate her dog. She’s still upset because it means seeing her son and DIL less
Dog-lover here. Let me preface it all with saying that I adore taking my dog with me most of the times. And as sad as it can be when someone you adore doesn’t adore your dog as much as you do, I think it’s also about respecting boundaries.
I always ask friends if I can take the dog, I don’t take him with me to new people’s homes (unless it’s a BBQ, then I ask). Some friends love my dog and even then I make sure, and sometimes they say no (e.g. because they’re drying their laundry and don’t want fur on it). My aunt has a cat that’s a bit asocial and we stay there for 2 days (1 night) max, because she once voiced that she doesn’t want the cat to get stressed. And even then, I spend loads of time outside and take him for long walks so that the cat can roam around the house (but the cat is never locked in a room!). When my dog was young I told him to leave the cat alone and distracted him a bit at the beginning when he wanted to say hello. But also if he got slapped in the face for not respecting cat’s boundaries, i would say ‘that’s a lesson for you, mate’. Mostly though, my dog doesn’t even notice the cat, and the cat doesn’t give a crap about anything, anyway (she’s a British). I have friends that have new homes and don’t want pets there yet, or say ‘okay, but no touching the couch, please’ and that’s fine, too, that’s why I’m asking.
What it boils down to, I think, are two things – does she want to/can somehow control the dog or at least mind him at all times and her willingness to respect your stand. Maybe she needs more education about cats (they don’t need less love than dogs, they just need it differently, juts like humans)? Or if she’s actually reasonable and empathetic, maybe she just needs to realize that the ban isn’t forever but for now you want to sit on the floor and smell the newness and the mortgage?
Anyway, I hope she’ll get around to your ideas and hey, when she comes without the dog, that’d be a great opportunity for her to learn how cats work!
You have set your boundary now stay strong. Be prepared for her to show up with thinking she can force you let him in. Make sure you do not let them in under any circumstances
If she wants to visit I’m sure she can find a place to board the dog while she’s with you. Your house, your rules, and for the record I would be 100% on the same page. Dog will scratch floors, potentially break items, have “accidents”, and like you said, shed and stink up the joint. I’m not in the “dogs are practically people” category of pet haver, so yeah, it can be boarded, it’ll survive.
Finally my chance to be outraged by something that’s my personal pet peeve and project my fury into my advice! I always see people do it and I never get to. Ahem. Bringing your dog to someone else’s house is so disrespectful and frankly it’s insane behavior. Dogs aren’t people! They are animals! There are many reasons to not want an animal in your house! Just tell her about the cat, and about how you’re not looking to bring any other animals into the house right now. Tell her you’re happy to visit the dog when you visit her, and that you’d love for her to come see the house sans dog. And yes, the idea that a dog is automatically invited with their owner *should* be foreign to you because it’s patently outrageous
Find a reliable doggy daycare/boarding place near your house. Have her fill out the initial paperwork and doggy meet and greet. Then whenever she visits or passes through, part of her planning is scheduling the dog for the daycare/boarding.
It is extremely rude to expect everyone to include your dog… though I have some family that will do that so I do sympathize. My husband and I also just say no, and people know we mean it.
A certain subset of dog people (obviously not all of them) are very insulted by anything they consider negativity about dogs. I don’t particularly like dogs. I don’t hate them. I don’t want them harmed but nor do I like them. The amount of people who have implied this dislike of dogs is literally the most scandalous thing I’ve said or that I want to harm them is high. Dogs are expected to exist everywhere and I think cats are seen as kind of an afterthought pet. So I’m sure your MIL thinks you need to prioritize her dog over your cat because genuinely her dog is more important. And the fact is, that’s not true. You don’t need a good reason for not wanting a dog in your space and just because a dog CAN come with doesn’t mean it should.
I feel so bad for your cat if you lock her up. Also the house will smell like dog, so not only will she be stressed while they are there, she probably won’t feel safe walking around after. You’re not going to get MIL to agree, you’ll have to make sure your prepared to turn her away when she inevitably shows up with the dog to force you to let her stay. Make sure your husband understands the negative consequences for your kitty. Hopefully he has more empathy for her than his MIL being a child.
You already explained. It’s your home. I can’t stand when people try to guilt trip, or continue to ask something after you already said no.
I hated dogs growing up( scared) so I’m definitely a cat person but now like dogs and have one. I wouldn’t visit people that had dogs inside that would jump on or lick me or come near me, it was simple I didn’t like it so I didn’t visit if I did it was quick. Not at any point would I ever ask anyone to change how they live or house rules just for me just because I wanted to visit. Only thing I would ask is to keep dog away from me if possible or I would walk away from it but everyone new I didn’t like/ was scared of dog so most were understanding. I was like this until I was in my 20s so for a adult getting upset, you don’t want her dog in the house is ridiculous.
My mother got 2 poodles and would want them to visit with her she lived 3hrs away from me. She would always ask if it was okay to bring them and I would say no not inless they stay outside and don’t yap/barke at the grass growing, they were inside only dogs and yapped at every little thing plus they hated my inside cat. My house rules for dogs was they are not allowed inside at all could come over but must stay in the yard and clean up after it when you leave. Everyone was fine with it and a few people would visit with dogs and follow all rules. My mum would get dog sitting. I think it is the most disgusting thing to have a dirty dog inside plus the smell of them makes me sick.
Why can’t she get a dog runner and keep it outside when she visits that way it’s still with her just has to stay outside. Here it only cost $15 for one and is 2m long so dog can walk around. I don’t agree with dogs been on them for long periods of time only when needed.
I now have a dog and not scared of them but still don’t like other dog as my dog is well trained not to do the things I don’t like and is washed very regularly so she doesn’t smell she will stay at the door but won’t come inside.
Ask her if she would like it the other way around. You visit with the cat and she locks the dog up in a room or outside.
Ur house Ur rules simple if she doesn’t like it too bad.
That is your cat’s home why should it suffer locked up just so she gets what she wants. That’s not how it works.
You said no. This is your home, and you have your cat to worry about. MIL and dog do not get to overrule that.
If she shows up with her dog, do not let her in.
I am a dog lover and have a dog. Daughter has a cat and I do not bring my dog to her home. My dog would chase the cat. My son is fine when I go to visit to bring the dog, he is allergic to cats.
I took in a rescue dog just before lockdown. It was done hurriedly because of the impending lockdown, I had intended to go very slowly to make sure that our cat accepted the dog.
It went very badly and the cat basically put herself into a voluntary lockdown, staying upstairs for 18 months. That’s how badly she was traumatised by the arrival of my dog.
I would say if you wanted to be kind and help out, to put very clear boundaries on the dog’s presence: here we made sure the dog didnt go upstairs, so the cat felt safe there.
But that would only be workable if MIL were to come for say an afternoon, whereas it sounds like she’ll be coming for much longer. So basically, for as long as you have your poor old cat, her dog is not welcome for more than a few hours at a time, and never unannounced.