I’m 20f, a virgin, and I’ve become increasingly afraid of sex. I’m worried that in order to not die alone, if I meet someone I like, I’ll have to rush myself to have sex before im ready in order to keep them. With what I keep hearing about dating nowadays, I feel like my attitude towards waiting a bit for sex (not marriage. Everyone assumes I mean marriage for some reason as if it is either sex on the third date or waiting until marriage as if an in between doesn’t exist…I mean like give me a month or two? Is that asking too much?). I feel like any actual autonomy I have over my body has to be waived if I actually want to find someone. And, as I get older, I feel like the pool of people willing to give me time before hopping in bed is just getting smaller.
Whenever I ask people for advice, im always told that im going to struggle to find someone. Despite the fact that technically I don’t *have* to have sex with someone before im ready, the choice doesn’t actually feel like a real choice. If I don’t want to be alone forever, I don’t have much of a choice other than to risk traumatizing myself by sleeping with someone before im ready.
I feel gross and I hate myself. I hate myself for not being like everyone else. I hate myself for being such a fucking prude but I cannot help what im comfortable with. I feel like I have no real choices. I don’t know what to do and the entire idea of ever having sex just terrifies me at this point. What do I do?
I feel like I have to choose between dying alone or traumatizing myself. It’s not a fun choice to try to make.
25 comments
It’s okay to be a virgin. In fact, you’re more valuable as a woman that way.
You’re not even old enough to drink legally, so don’t think that the train is anywhere close to departing the station for you. There is still so much time to find a guy who you feel comfortable enough with to share your first experience. In the meantime, you should practice feeling more comfortable with yourself on your own.
> I’ll have to rush myself to have sex before im ready in order to keep them
An actually compatible guy will not rush you, and will respect your boundaries. They exist, but you’ll have to go through a bunch of a-holes to find them.
> I cannot help what im comfortable with
Your feelings are valid, be you, don’t listen to the haters. You have time.
I don’t think your view on sex is abnormal, there are plenty of people out there who will respect your boundaries and wait. If someone really loves you, they won’t push you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.
You’re only 20, you have so many more years of dating to find the right person, you’re only going to cause yourself more unhappiness by forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do.
save yourself for marriage
If whoever you are seeing really cares about you, they will be willing to respect your boundaries and wait. Never feel pressured or forced to have sex if you are not ready.
I was in the same boat as you. Don’t rush to have sex until you feel you can trust him and are comfortable. Don’t let anyone talk you into anything you aren’t comfortable with. You’re n only 20 so you’ve got pleanty of time to lose your v-card. I lost mine later than other girls and I’m still here
Stand your ground if you’re not ready for sex. Someone who truly cares about your feelings won’t push you to have sex. If it happens, it happens but don’t let someone coerce you into it. I wish I was still in your shoes, life was not kind to me in that aspect. You’re still very young and have a lot of time to get to that point. Matter of fact, don’t even bother dating. Guys your age won’t understand why you don’t wanna have sex right off the bat. Focus on you
People who will respect you do exist. I was quite willing to wait in two separate occasions, pretty much as you describe.
You can’t totally wait, and I don’t think you’re abnormal.
I went on a date yesterday and the man — yes, him! — was clear he wanted to wait a month or two. Said he has a high sex drive but the emotional part is very important to him so he waits to act on it.
They’re out there!
>I mean like give me a month or two? Is that asking too much?
Since you’re a virgin, guys will probably be more accepting of it, provided you’re very clear and up front about your reasons.
But in general, a month is about the upper band for me as a guy. At that point I start wondering if she even likes me. By month two I’ll usually be giving a “I’m sorry, I don’t think this will work out” speech since clearly if she doesn’t like me after seeing me for two months, she won’t ever.
Or to put it another way, if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no. And as a guy I have too much self respect to keep taking a woman on dates and spending money on her without an enthusiastic yes.
Of course, sexual compatibility is an extremely big deal to me, so maybe I’m weird. Though, sexual compatibility is a big thing for most guys I think.
I did the whole “I want to take it slow” thing and it was five months of feeling like a tour guide crossed with an aquarium seal rather than an equal partner. *Never again.*
Even for a month, I’d need to see some very serious gestures on her part to show interest. For someone who’s not having sex, that’s tremendously important, because most guys are going to think “Oh, she doesn’t want to sleep with me? She must not like me that much, then.”
There’s actually a lot more people who wait until they’re 20s than people realize I think.. I would totally wait until you’re comfortable and not just do it with a stranger or something unless you reach a point where you feel comfortable with your own body and feel safe with the person.
If you want to hear some other perspectives, I also recommend listening to an episode on the podcast Girls Gotta Eat- Is a sex and dating podcast. This episode they featured someone who waited (not that late, but later) to lose their virginity, and then sort of go into different perspectives and stories on the whole topic, which was a nice feature because they’re usually driving right into talking about sex lol. The first 25 minutes really are them recapping their own week and doing advertisements, but 25 minutes in the guest speaker starts. Idk if you’ll find this helpful or not, But I thought it was nice to hear talk show hosts who are normally talking about casual sex give a real life perspective on virginity and losing it.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/13rpCUL4itSRXrg0MffKwZ?si=yYwNleRSRP2K6uhbGVWQJg&utm_source=copy-link
There’s a taste for every flavor. What ever you are. Someone wants it.
Look at you worrying over sex and dating and I’m here, a male at the same age wondering how to actually kiss someone… do your tongues touch or do you just touch lips? Do you feel the other person’s teeth or do they naturally just not touch. If I happen to find someone and they come in for a kiss I’d be scared out of my mind. Being single is not this nerve wracking.
(Long story short there are people feeling just like you, males especially.)
What the lordy hell did I just read?
Sex isn’t a candy or a gift.
Its an activity, like talking or watching a movie.
If you are putting THAT much emphasis on it, something isn’t right.
When I was dating I had a rule that I wouldn’t sleep with anyone unless we were a formal couple/exclusive. I made this very clear to my dates, some didn’t love it, but in general it did not stop me from dating.
I am so sorry you feel this way. It’s not your fault for not liking sex. I’m literally asexual and do not plan to have sex anytime soon, even if I don’t find anyone. It’s hard yes but not impossible. There are so many asexual people or just genuinely nice people who will respect you and your decision. You can try looking into if you identify with asexuality, fine if not. Just know that this is not a gone case. You will find someone, I hope soon
Imagine being 28 and feeling exactly this lmao
Just don’t bend to the hookup culture, be the girlboss and force it to bend to you instead.
If someone pushes sex and says that not immediately going at it is a deal breaker, move on. Some people just don’t have chemistry, and suffering through a relationship that you know won’t work is just not worth it. You’ll have more chances if you keep looking, just make sure you don’t get sick doing nothing for too long.
Take it from me, a guy who was afraid of relationships because I fumbled one before it even began and only tried six years after the fact. I got worse before I got better, I thought I seriously would die alone.
You deserve love, but you also deserve someone right. Don’t stop looking unless you need a break, and don’t stagnate too long.
Hey, don’t hate yourself for wanting to get to know someone before hopping in bed. It’s a reasonable standard, just not super common in today’s hookup culture. My (M25) girlfriend (F23) and I didn’t have sex until our 6th date about 1 month into knowing each other. We’d make out on our prior dates, but other than that we’d just go out (yoga, dinner, picnic, etc) and talk and develop chemistry together. We both have anxiety when it comes to sex with a new person which we talked about before sleeping together. Having that foundation of trust, emotional connection, chemistry, and communication before sex made the sex a thousand times better when it finally happened. Nothing wrong with waiting a bit!! People willing to be patient with you and wanting to know you before sex exist. Just a matter of time til you find the right one <3
Why are you afraid of sex?
I’ve seen the rest of the post addressed, but this is—in my humble opinion—a *very* important thing that needs to be addressed before anything else.
You don’t have to have sex before you are ready and also try to maybe not hold so much importance to sex. Like some people see it as special and I respect that but also it’s something most animals and people do it holds the importance you give it. Sex can be terrible, fun , uncomfortable, pleasurable…. It’s just an act. I think the more importance people give it the more disappointed they are when something goes wrong with the person they are having it with … like if the other person uses them or doesn’t treat them right etc… but if you take the importance of it away then you won’t tie so much emotion or set yourself up for disappointment. I hope you find someone kind and respectful for your first time but try to be more chill and put less pressure around the topic
You don’t need romance to avoid dying alone, find refuge in your friends and family. Don’t worry about this, when and if you find your person that’ll be that but in the meantime focus on the people close to you. Community is what makes for a healthy mind.
>either sex on the third date or waiting until marriage as if an in between doesn’t exist…I mean like give me a month or two?
This!
Yeah, it might make it more difficult to find someone but every single boundary, preference and value that we all have shrinks the pool of people who would be good matches for us. It’s kinda the point, that’s why it’s a special and beautiful thing to find someone.
You’re not gonna die alone and don’t let anyone make you feel pressured or crappy for not being ready for sex. Those people are not your people.
Try not to think about it in such black and white terms. It’s not have sex and be traumatized or be alone forever. It might take a bit longer (or maybe it won’t take any time at all!) but you’ll find someone who cares about making you feel safe and comfortable and who is worthy to share those experiences with you. <3
You are allowed to feel how you feel, but also know that you are overthinking this. I lost my virginity at 22, and it wasn’t how I would have wanted but I did it anyway because I got tired of waiting around for the perfect woman to come along and the chances that I met someone who is also a virgin/no sexual experience at my age was slim to none. I still managed to find an incredible person almost 2 years later. I guess my point is, you know when you are ready, don’t feel pressured by society to have sex, do it on your own terms.