Throwaway account.
I know this question has been asked multiple times but long story short:
My gf(24F) and I (29M) have very different interests. I am a little bit older than her and I have a few years of being single and got to explore and develop hobbies such as camping, boating, snowboarding, biking, kayaking, parasailing, etc. we started dating while she was still in college and I tried to get her to do these things with me but she didn’t seem to enjoy most of them. Even something like driving my convertible with the top down.
Now that she graduated and we moved in together. I feel like she didn’t have that alone time where she’s so bored that she has to find hobbies to fill in the time that I did.
We’re struggling to find new things to do together aside from the occasional hiking trips, playing video games and groceries/thrift shopping. I can’t totally fault her though because we’re in saving money mode as we have student loans and credit debt that need to be paid off so some of these hobbies need to be put on hold since they’re quite expensive.
The problem is I don’t know if this would improve once we are in a better financial situation. She’s not controlling in anyway and I’m free to do any of these things as I please as my “me time” but I also want to spend time with her and it would be nice if I could do these things with her. I know that we can find things we both enjoy doing together but I don’t get the feeling she’s willing to try any of the things I propose because “it doesn’t seem fun” for her. I’m always the try it and find out kinda guy and she’s more meticulous of what to do.
I want to marry this girl but there are some points idk if she’s even the right person
TLDR: we have different hobbies and mentality about life. We’re struggling to find common hobbies to do together but are also on a tight budget so trying new things can also be hard.
11 comments
Some people are perfectly fine having their own lives and activities outside of their partner, and that their partner is just there as a safe home base that they both occasionally return to. Other people aren’t, so I don’t know if normal is the right framing, it’s just about what works for you. What are your plans with her for the future? Where do you both want to be next year? In five years? In 10?
Why do you have to be doing anything to spend time together? There is nothing my husband and I enjoy more than throwing a movie on Plex and just chilling on the couch.
You don’t always have to be doing A Thing.
You are saving money because you have loans to pay off
The hobbies are expensive
You are free to pursue your ‘expensive’ hobbies
I’m confused
>We’re struggling to find new things to do together aside from the occasional hiking trips, playing video games and groceries/thrift shopping.
Those don’t seem bad at all to me (minus the groceries, lol). Do you feel like you’re struggling because those activities aren’t as high-energy or outdoors-focused as the sports you’re used to?
I could offer suggestions on how to find common ground for activities you can both enjoy, because I DO agree that finding things you two can enjoy together IS important. But those mutual activities don’t necessarily have to be your hobbies, or hers. If you feel that it’s important to have a social aspect to these activities, are there other people you can bond with? If you feel that it’s important to have your girlfriend feel included in a very personal aspect of your interests, are there other ways you can include her? Maybe do a video call while you’re outside, or snap photos and share with her afterwards?
Also, your post doesn’t really get into your differences on “mentality about life”, which might be the more serious issue, IMO.
I think this is a question that only you can answer.
If you would like a partner that shares some of your hobbies – that’s perfectly reasonable. (Note – you will rarely find someone who shares ALL of your hobbies).
If you are a-ok with doing these things solo or with friends and she is fairly independent/ she doesn’t stop you from doing that – that can definitely work too. Away time from your partner can be healthy!
The only combo that doesn’t really work is if you don’t share hobbies and also you both need to be tied at the hip/ you are prevented from doing the things you love. That will clearly lead to unhappiness and resentment…
Do you participate in her hobbies with her or do you only expect that she participate in yours with you?
I don’t think you need identical interests. It helps to have some overlapping interests. What you *do* need are compatible life goals.
You and a partner can have very different interests in things. For example, my wife is into sports, loves to go fishing, and is active in a church women’s group; by contrast, I am into acting and theatre, model railroading, gourmet cooking, caving, and other things. We have mutual interests in singing, gardening, going for walks, seeing museums, and so on.
My wife is also very much an introvert. We took a class together in college, and she pulled my arm down when i raised it to ask a question, as she didn’t want attention in our area! So we definitely have different approaches to life.
But we have similar interests and attitudes in where to live, how to raise a family, what size family, dealing with parents, celebrating holidays, and so forth.
When it comes to having a successful long-term relationship, it really helps to have those similar life goals — family, home, work, etc. — because that’s going to be your day-to-day existence. If you and your partner have different ideas about how chores are done, you are going to have problems.
As far as knowing if you’ve found the right person, that’s a matter of those compatible life goals, and understanding if you like the person enough that you want them in your life for the long term. Love is not enough to make a relationship succeed; you can have all the feelings of desire and joy, but if one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, you have a fundamental incompatibility.
It is completely normal to have different hobbies. You two just need to explore and find a few things to do together, too.
Example: My husband loves playing COD and building race cars in the driveway, neither of which I enjoy.
I enjoy reading, riding my bike, baking, anything that involves the beach, pool, or water sports.
Again, my husband is not a fan of about half of those. But we both enjoy certain TV shoes or movies, funny card games like “new phone who dis”
My point is that it’s normal for couples to have different likes and dislikes it’s what makes yall different and, in the end, probably more compatible who wants to do everything with theirs partner 24/7
It is completely normal to have different hobbies. You two just need to explore and find a few things to do together, too.
Example: My husband loves playing COD and building race cars in the driveway, neither of which I enjoy.
I enjoy reading, riding my bike, baking, anything that involves the beach, pool, or water sports.
Again, my husband is not a fan of about half of those. But we both enjoy certain TV shoes or movies, funny card games like “new phone who dis”
My point is that it’s normal for couples to have different likes and dislikes it’s what makes yall different and, in the end, probably more compatible who wants to do everything with theirs partner 24/7.
Different hobbies are great, but if you literally have no common interests when it comes to how to spend your free time, that doesn’t seem fun or sustainable.
Like, if I like knit and he likes to read, that works. If I like going to museums and he only likes going hiking, we aren’t going to have a great time.
“Normal” can be a dangerous way to think about yourself and your relationship versus others. It’s more about what works for you and your partner. If you are not feeling close and connected I’d recommend the book “Hold Me Tight.”