I am 28f and quite frankly am exhausted from the past decade of heartbreak, abusive relationships and casual sex. I had this awakening moment recently after a guy left me for his ex and then the next said he only wanted casual after we went on a few dates and had sex. If I have feelings for someone and want more I don’t think I want to have sex with them until they state that they want a commitment with me.
Obviously saving sex for a commitment doesn’t prevent the guy from ditching right after, but god dammit at least you have the dignity of saying we were together, he made it known we were together and I upheld a standard for myself. It is so heart breaking to be with a guy, but have no label for some bullshit reason and the next week see them giving a girlfriend everything you wanted.
Part of me is sad that the days of fun casual sex are ending because I’m aware that that is a sacrifice, but I don’t think my heart can take it anymore. Withholding sex for a commitment also makes things so much less confusing. I definitely struggle with CPTSD and self discipline to saying no to pleasure right now which ends up hurting my long term goals. If I don’t do things differently I truly see myself in a decade being in this exact position.
Any thoughts, advice or personal experience on this matter?
16 comments
Stick to your boundaries, it’s worth it.
I’ve dated women who required exclusivity before sex, it’s no big deal.
Personally I hope casual sex continues to decline. I would much rather form an emotional connection with someone and clearly communicate that we both want each other before sex. Sure, it can get more restrictive, but so can choosing not to eat ice cream and candy for every meal. These things are nice, but as a 28 year old dude who is wanting something healthy long term, I accept that that means I shouldn’t just be giving into every impulse without consideration for how we both will feel later.
Honor your boundaries and also see a therapist so you can properly heal from past relationships. ☺️ you’ll be okay ❤️
Stick to your boundaries.
I personally don’t think you need to be in a committed relationship for sex to be considered “non-casual.” You can enjoy being around someone and value their company while also acknowledging that you may not be right for each other long term. That’s just my opinion. As far as advice, I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to save sex for commitment. But, you need to stick to your guns on the first few dates. Because if you tell a guy you want to wait until you are committed, but then you proceed to sleep with him on the second date, you’re just going to make yourself feel bad when the reality is you did nothing wrong.
Out of curiosity ladies what are actually looking in a man, my experience most women find a reliable and faithful boring, a man maybe because in my early age I found that casual sex was meaningless. For me sex is a spiritual conexión.
Speaking for myself, if a woman I was talking to said she wanted to save sex for when were exclusive or when she’s ready I’d respect the honesty. Its blunt shows your expectations/morals and I’d respect that
So…. That’s called taking control back. Good for you!
I’m right with you OP. I thought I had FWB but then suddenly I’m in an emotional situationship and it’s so hard.
Im requiring commitment going forward as well. I’m no longer able to have casual sex if there’s no connection/ feelings involved. Then, situationship has caused chaos in my mind and emotions so I won’t be doing that again either. My only option is to refrain from sex until commitment going forward
>Any thoughts, advice or personal experience on this matter?
When women have tried this on me in the past, I instantly reply with “No thanks, I only commit to women I know are sexually compatible with me.”
Indeed, a woman having this particular boundary is a red flag for me because it shows that she has no problem weaponizing her sexuality in an attempt to get what she wants, and that doesn’t bode well for the relationship going forward. If she’s willing to withhold sex to angle for a commitment instead of being so wonderful that I want to commit to her, how long before she starts withholding sex to angle for a ring if she doesn’t like my timetable?
But you can do whatever you want. Good luck.
Absolutely same. The amount of guards I have up at this point in my life is sad. Esp because even if all is going well, and you’re “officially” dating, they run when a certain level of emotional intensity has developed.
36m here. I am absolutely exhausted and burnt out with liars and the people who somehow have absolutely no idea what they want, so far into adulthood. I swear casual sex is so much easier to find in your 30’s, but a healthy, meaningful relationship seems almost impossible. I’m at the point where I’m thinking about doing this too. If this is what you want, go for it! The right people will totally be into it. Stick to your guns and set whatever boundaries make sense to you. Hope your luck changes!
💯 been trying to do this then was pretty much seduced and then he slept with someone a week later. So done with sleeping around and every guy runs at the word ‘relationship’.
Yes, boundaries are great, and sexy.
Check out Matchmaker Maria’s 12 Date Rule
https://instagram.com/matchmakermaria?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==.
There’s a Story highlight reel with an explanation of the “math” but it’s basically what you are looking to do. A way to set boundaries and allow time to get to know the person and gauge chemistry and compatibility and consistency, before sex and all the judgment-clouding oxytocin and dopamine that sex triggers.
I did just that, it works. Don’t stretch your boundaries. The right person for you, won’t be upset to to wait.
I’m in the same boat! 27f and I had my fun with casual sex and giving it up in the second or third date, but now I’m ready for commitment.
I’ve been through a couple situations where we go on quite a few dates and really enjoy each other’s company, but it ends up not working out and ive been extremely happy that I haven’t had sex with them. For me, sex confuses emotions for me and I usually end up way more hurt than needed.
But waiting to have sex has worked wonders so far. You got this!