My (32F) friend (30F) seems to be doing the slow fade… but then denies she is

My friend and I have had issues ever since I fell out with someone (28F) in the friendship group. Girl in the group is well known to be extremely difficult (she has been diagnosed with BPD but is not actively trying to stop the worst symptoms and she is not in therapy) and as I didn’t walk on eggshells around her and distanced myself (and told her why) she went nuclear which involved spreading accusations around me (one being I was deliberately trying to freeze her out, this was the accusation that started it all).

Unfortunately because of my family history of having a mother that has BPD plus having undiagnosed depression for 10 months I got really ill from this treatment and myself and my partner distanced ourselves from our friendship group and asked that we met 1:1 with those in the group we were still friends with. The girl with BPD is very volatile so we have stayed away from events she is at.

So original friend (30F) firstly tried to get me to “fix things” with this BPD friend and then after bpd friend upped the anti, my original friend went cold (not messaging, not meeting up, not interacting with me on social media). I assumed that things had ended with our friendship so when she asked why I hadn’t come to a meeting for a volunteering organisation we went to I said that I was taking time out (which I was), I wouldn’t be around and to take care. She then asked two days later whether we weren’t speaking and I said that I thought she was doing that to me. We met up, and made up. She said that that wasn’t what she was doing at all and I thought things were all okay.

Then she got engaged and I kept trying to meet up with her and eventually she just said she wasn’t going to be around for a while due to marriage plans and engagement “but I will message you” (note: she hasn’t) Meanwhile on her social media she is meeting up with others including BPD friend … I really don’t want to keep asking for reassurance. At the same time it just seems that she is trying to keep me on a simmer until after their engagement party (or her friend stops focussing on me) as I’m aware that BPD friend when she knows people see me or are close to me she questions them about me and continues her accusations.

My original friend usually always does whatever is easier. I love her but she does have toxic people she keeps around and she doesn’t confront issues she has with them. I’ve seen her when her friend (who visits once a year) was badmouthing about one of our close friends for being anxious which means she is more reserved – she said nothing. I was the only person who stuck up for our friend.

It feels very likely that because BPD friend is so difficult that she is hoping to keep me at arms length. What do you do when someone SAYS they aren’t slow fading you when their actions are the opposite? I have other friends I’m very close to where I am not constantly questioning whether they care about me, and this push pull dynamic is horrid. This whole thing is taking up brain space and I’ve already spoken to her about how her actions (or lack of) have caused me to feel like she’s slow fading. We haven’t had a proper conversation in months now and bearing in mind she knows I have depression and have struggled with suicidal thoughts you would think she would check in with me more. Any guidance you can give?

TDLR: Friends actions point to slow fading but she has said she’s not doing that…