Hi everyone. I’ve been living with my bf of 3 years for almost the entire relationship. We’ve had a lot of smaller issues that piled up over the years because whenever I tried talking to him about them, he was dismissive or defensive. Eventually I ended things, but our lease was still active so I couldn’t move out. After I ended things he tried to make things right and eventually we got to a place where we were kind of dating again and things were better but not amazing.
I’ve recently started a job that’s a few hours from our city and even though it’s hybrid remote, I want to be in the office as much as I can be. This is my dream job.
Because this happened so close to when our lease ends, he can’t find a job in time to move with me. I just feel torn. He seems to think it’s doable to make the drive once or twice a week but even just making the drive for my first day was tough.
He thinks long distance is difficult, but we’re pretty much both fully remote. My in office days will be sporadic though, because it will vary based on projects.
TLDR— Broke up with my bf of 3 years after living together for most of that time. Things have been better and he’s been trying, but I got a job a few hours away. Is it selfish of me to move away? Should I try to ask him if he’s willing to move with me? Should I just go by myself and see if he’ll keep putting in the effort? This job is my dream and even though it’s remote most of the time I want to be there as much as possible.
6 comments
it always bothers me when i hear about couples who break up, and then the person who was “the problem TM” suddenly changes their behavior. isn’t it annoying that he could have been doing all that the entire time, and just chose not to? personally, i think break ups happen for the greater good.
>Is it selfish of me to move away?
Not at all. You don’t owe him a relationship.
>Should I try to ask him if he’s willing to move with me? Should I just go by myself and see if he’ll keep putting in the effort?
Do whatever you want. We can’t make that decision for you. We don’t know your boyfriend, how much he’s changed (or hasn’t changed), how your dating is going now, what kind of boyfriend checks your boxes for what you want, and what the costs and pragmatic consequences would be for bringing him. That’s a complex decision that you’d know the factors for better than we would.
But in doing the math, consider what’s best for yourself. Even if he wants to continue dating, relationships are a two-way street, and they need *both* people to want it.
>This job is my dream
This is reason enough to take it. Find your own place, and move to where you job is.
>but we’re pretty much both fully remote.
If he wants to, he can find *his own place* in that city, too. Don’t put your life on hold for someone else’s benefit.
I’m focused on, “things were better but not amazing.” Do you want to stay in this relationship? If so, why?
So, he wants you to stay in the current city with you having to commute hours into work on days you go to the office, but never bothered to suggest that he commute while looking for a job closer to your new job or finding a place in between so you both would have similar commutes. Lemme guess: your previous problems included selfishness, didn’t they?
I vote you go by yourself and see if he keeps up the effort. It probably took a while for him to get into those bad patterns, so let him take a while to show you he’s changed.