I paid for everything last night since our older friend was the one who paid for everybody and we all agreed to entransfer when we’re ready. Im aware it’s inconvenient and rude. They’ve changed everything about the trip (I never objected because I feel like the odd one out) like I only asked for hiking that was it and B” doesn’t want to do “real” hiking anymore. Meanwhile we’re going to a concert they like, going to Niagara Falls, beaches, etc which was their wishes. I’ve thought about this for a long time, I tried to learn about their interests and sometimes I pretended to like water color painting (you don’t understand, they go out everyday to watercolor and I feel like crap for saying no I’m busy all the time. I’m a people pleaser), or I learned the choreos to the K-pop group they’re obsessed with even though I don’t want to (it’s the gg Twice, and every time I hang out with them or have a conversation they’re either forcefeeding me their songs or declaring their love for their bias. THEY EVEN CHANGED THE TRIP PLANS to go to their concert when I worked hard to earn my parents’ permission thinking we were going to enjoy a nice vacation at the beach/mountains/city. I could’ve said no but again people pleaser I was the only one who wanted to say no) or spicy foods (I’ve literally like made it a point to train myself to eat spicy foods so I don’t have to burden them). There’s another friend in this group, B”, and I’ve recently realized we’re just friends by association with our mutual friend D” but one on one with me she can’t find anything to talk about so she pulls out her phone.
These two friends, A” and D”, have become one entity and I feel like I’m outnumbered. They’re attached to the hip, I can’t spend one on one because they have to be a package so I can’t even develop a stronger connection with them one on one. It’s like the group is always needed otherwise I’m too boring for them. They like everything the other likes, they can’t spend one day at home they always have to constantly be out doing something and I slowly realized I’m becoming more resentful with constantly having to say no and I have to remind them I’m in first year of university and they’ve graduated so I don’t have the time they have. I try to make time but it’s never enough for them. My ideal meetup would be like 1-3 hours but they expect me to give 5-8 hours and being a people pleaser I end up giving them the 6-8 hours after classes or work. I go above and beyond when I do make time for them because even though I spend only once a week I like to make it fun for everyone but it’s not fun for me anymore! I ignore it because I thought these feelings will go away if I just put more time and effort and it only gets worse. I hate feeling like I don’t belong anymore, that I have to catch up to the new hobby they’ve both acquired otherwise I feel like I’m burdening them and there won’t be anything to talk about, I hate feeling like a third wheel. Both A” and B” feels like they’re just hanging out to hang out with D” and it annoys me. I’ve become a terrible friend and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. They deserve better from me and I can’t even give it without feeling a secret resentment. This trip is the only reason I haven’t left the group
they’ve been amazing friends for 6 years, they’ve treat me with love and have given me many memories I’ll cherish forever. They do let me be myself, I share my interests in kdramas, with other kpop groups, reading, etc. So I’m not leaving because they’re terrible toxic people, I’m leaving because the friendship dynamic has changed and I don’t fit in it anymore
TLDR: I don’t feel compatible anymore, everything they do has become an annoyance to me and I fear if I go on this trip I’ll say something I’ll regret. I paid for my part of the trip!
2 comments
Of course you aren’t wrong to leave if it’s not what you want to do anymore.
So… just throwing it out there… but why are the two options either people-pleasing or cutting off otherwise good friendships? Isn’t there a 3rd option here?
If you don’t like spicy food, don’t eat spicy food. Most restaurants have non-spicy options or can alter a dish to be less spicy. Order one of those or ask for a non-spicy alternative to be included.
If you don’t want to go to the concert and you would prefer to hike instead – why don’t you do that? Sunset in the Niagara region is about 9pm these days. There are lots of public, well travelled hiking trails. Research what trail you want to do, make sure it is well travelled, let people know where you will be, plan to be back before sunset and make sure your cell phone is fully charged (bonus if you have a backup battery pack).
If you only have 2 or 3 hours to get together – get together for those 2 or 3 hours and let them continue hanging out after that without you…
You don’t have to go on the trip if it no longer interests you…but in your shoes, rather than trashing the friendships completely, I would simply stop trying so hard to fit in. Participate in the parts that suit you and decline the parts that don’t. It may very well be that those two are closer at this point in time because they are in similar places in life – and that’s ok. It’s not a competition.
In your shoes, I would simply allow the friendships to evolve naturally and if that means you are less close with them right now, that’s ok. In the meantime, you can look for additional friends who are more on your wavelength at the moment.
…but… and this is JMO… if you trash your friendships any time you are in a different place in life or don’t have the same interests in the moment, or they are connecting better with another friend at the moment – you will forever be trashing friendships with otherwise good people. Friends rarely walk the exact same path as you at exactly the same time. To me, this is just the normal ebb and flow of friendships.