My friend we will call him Tom is a high maintenance friend (to me anyways). I met him in college and we became friends pretty quickly because we have a lot in common. One of the few things we don’t have in common is I am an introvert while he’s and extrovert. In college I certainly enjoyed hanging out, drinking, going to clubs etc and me and him certainly spent a lot of time together. However now we are both 28 years old, have full time jobs and I personally don’t have as much time as I did in college. Now he isn’t interested in going out to party anymore but he does wanna hang out. Like all the time. Everyday after work he will ask me if I wanna go out to dinner or go to his place or go shopping and I feel so bad saying no but I am just so exhausted from the work day that I don’t want to do all of that. Of course occasionally I will go out and do those things but I mean when I say he virtually wants to hang out every single day.
He also likes to text a lot and I despise texting.
Sometimes it feels like a chore cause I think texting is so mundane but he LOVES it.
I call myself a low maintenance friend cause I don’t need to be in constant communication with you to know that we are friends. I make it very clear to my friends that if they need someone they can always count on me but for hanging out and stuff l’m a once every two weekends kind of girl. But with Tom he really loves hanging out with others while I thrive alone.
I need some advice on how to express to him that I need to recharge and that I love my solitude.
Whenever he invites me out I always think of some excuse but I don’t wanna lie to my friend anymore and I just wanna be honest. How can I express this to him without hurting his feelings? Or am I just being a bad friend?
(Post writing this me is reading this and it sounds like I just hate my friend when I promise that is not true! I LOVE when we hangout and the introvert in me kinda goes out the window when we are together so i promise don’t hate him. He is my BEST friend but I am just so drained from my 9-5 that I crave me time. Also just wanna point out that I am a woman and he is a gay man so this isn’t some weird relationship where he secretly likes me.)
TLDR; extroverted friend wants to hang out all time but I am introverted and need my space sometimes. How do I communicate this without hurting his feelings?
1 comment
I would be honest with him in the way that you’ve been honest here. Tell him that you’re drained by your 9-5 and can’t hang out as much as you’d like to — having a job is teaching you that you need some down time in the evenings and on the weekends. Tell him that it’s not personal at all, and you love him dearly. And you can show that by reaching out to him sometimes to ask to hang out, so it’s not always him asking you.
It is possible that his feelings could be hurt a little, but as long as you express yourself with care (which will not be hard because it sounds like you do really care about him), then he will be able to understand that you guys are different in this way. And it’s always better when friends understand important things about each other.
I wouldn’t address the texting thing in the same conversation, I might just respond to his texts as you are able, and not feel so pressured to respond as immediately or as often.