This started more when I was like in later years of high school, like when I was 17. She suddenly became so clingy and needy towards me and outwardly jealous and rude towards people who have my attention. I wish I was kidding about this. She absolutely despises my boyfriend. I started going to his place now because whenever he would come to my house, she’d groan and whine when she saw him as if she were a kid. She wants me to hug her all the time, give her kisses, give her massages, let her sleep in my bed, etc. – literally like if we were a couple! She is even jealous of my DOG, because he sleeps in my bed and she doesn’t. One night, she completely flipped out on me because I called my dog “sweetie” when I accidentally bumped into him. I said “oops, sorry sweetie” and she just lost it. She went on a rant about how “why I don’t call her cute names like that” or show her any love and nobody loves her to do things like that. I immediately felt super uncomfortable and just walked away. Sometimes she also talks about wanting to be with me 24/7; like she wants to live together forever.
What do I do? I obviously don’t hate her because she’s my mom, but is there any way to solve this in a manner that doesn’t involve arguing? I’ve tried to set boundaries with her but she just throws a tantrum.
49 comments
Seek therapy. The goal will be for you to acquire tools that will help you set boundaries and coping mechanisms. Sorry.
do you in general show your mum affection and appreciation?
she’s obviously lonely and probably feels as if there’s something wrong with her; if you’re able to show a dog more affection than you show her. Parents are people too, and feeling like an ATM machine isn’t that nice.
Therapy and mov8nh out when poasible.
“Mom, it sounds like you’re trying to make me your whole life. It’s gotten to the point that you’re jealous to the point of rudeness towards anyone who has my attention. That’s very unhealthy. You’re my mom and I love you but you will not, and should not, be my whole world. You need to get a life and some therapy. I won’t be with you 24/7 and I won’t tolerate your clinging or your rudeness. However, if you want to completely drive me away from you, by all means, continue to behave this way.”
Call her out when she behaves rudely and move out as soon as it’s feasible.
Hi, have you been over to r/covertincest? This happened to me except my mom was the husband and I was the wife. I was expected to keep the house, iron her clothes, solver her problems, and groom her. It was really fucking gross. I still haven’t gotten the ick off since I learned about CI and it’s been years. She never touched me inappropriately but was stark naked all the time in the house and hyper sexual in her talk and what she watched.
You might consider googling the ACEs study. You’re gonna need a therapist, preferably a trauma therapist. Even if she never hit you, CI is actually considered sexual abuse. And you need to go no contact. At least for awhile bc as you learn about this your gonna be mad. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s so fucking gross.
You don’t have to hate her to dislike her actions. You could try to set a boundary and say that she’s being too possessive and her jealousy is out of control and it doesn’t make sense. Like it doesn’t sound like you can have a soft argument with someone who is jealous of your dog. What you can do is bring up the emotional incest, and say that you don’t want to live this way. You’ve been living this way for years already though, and things very quickly turn into an argument, so it doesn’t sound like you can have a peaceful resolution to this that involves you continuing to live with her.
When someone is demanding this much energy and space from you, you need to take your own space
Emotional incest. It’s insidious. Often happens with a mother who has an absent partner, and therefor raises a child to fill the void
Is your mom open to family therapy? Of course, for it to work she has to be totally on board and willing to work on herself, because otherwise you’d be wasting your time and money. But you can frame it as “mom, I know we’re having issues and I don’t think we’re being able to work on our family dynamics on our own, I really believe that we need the help of a professional that will see the situation from an external point and is trained to help people on issues regarding their family dynamics”.
It might work but if it doesn’t, you’ll need to make yourself scarce (including by phone, just don’t answer, send a quick text that you’re physically fine but not available to talk) at home and have a plan to move out as soon as you can. Paradoxically, the relationship could improve if you live in another place. You already tried setting boundaries and it didn’t work, it’s time to enforce these boundaries: “mom, this is not working, you’re not treating me right, I suggested family therapy and you refused, I tried setting boundaries and you’re not listening. The next step is that I’ll physically not be around so much while you keep treating me like this, it’s for the protection of my mental health and emotional wellbeing. If you’re willing to sit and discuss this as rational, adult people, I’m open to it because I love you, but I won’t accept the way you’re treating me right now”. I had to do something similar with my mom (for other reasons) and it worked after a few years (including a full year I was totally NC with her) and now we have a somewhat healthy relationship to the point that she’s able to.
Move out and therapy?
It is very unlikely she will see the light through a conversation. You need to take the steps to move out, get in therapy, and go low contact or even no contact. She will always keep pushing.
One word WTF
This is a form of child abuse called ‘parentification’. You need to stop spending any time with her until she agrees to therapy.
“Mom the way you have been behaving is making me uncomfortable. I think you should consider being assessed for early onset dementia, because this really isn’t like you.” Guarantee she’ll stop.
Family therapy. Why dont u move out?
66 yr old mom of two daughters here. Just reading your post made me uncomfortable.
The way your mother is treating you is absolutely wrong and is not normal in any way, shape, or form. She needs to be in therapy to learn how to be an independent adult.
You are not responsible for fulfilling her emotional needs. You absolutely need to set hard boundaries with her and stick to them, as hard as that may be. I would suggest you read “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud. It will give you insight into the type of person your mother is, and how to manage your relationship with her. I would also suggest that you develop an exit plan to move out of her home and gain some independence. If you have the option to begin therapy yourself, do it.
As entwined as your mother has become in your personal life, she is going to try to guilt trip and manipulate you as you extricate yourself from her daily life. You’re going to have to become a hardass b*tch and just coldly maintain your boundaries.
Once she realizes you can no longer be guilted or manipulated MAYBE she will pull herself together and the two of you can build a new relationship. Good luck and stay strong!
My first girlfriend’s mom was like this. I was in the house and, for example, put my hand in my gf’s shoulder and the mom comes quickly and SHOVES my hand and puts her hand and tells me “she’s mine, don’t touch her”.
And the same with a lot of attitudes. She used to say it directly to me, and to her. and she was crazy but my then gf didn’t feel it was weird. We ended up breaking up, of course. But for other reasons (my gf was like her mother, extremely possessive and controlling and prone to anger and overall abusive)
You have to put boundaries, and you have to make her respect it every time she breaks them, bc she will
Counseling together. Tell her you’re feeling like your relationship could be better and counseling would help. It’s not a lie.
You’re being emotionally enmeshed. It’s called parental or covert incest and she is emotionally abusing you by not allowing you to be separate as an individual from herself and her own problems.
She might have an abandonment issues if your father is outta the picture, on the severe end it could lead to obsessive behavior towards anyone they have left in their lives
Mom needs to get laid.
what the fuck.
Adding to the many excellent comments already on here; Since this came on suddenly, have you talked with her medical doctor about it?
I think you need to break up with your mom
Your mom sounds like she has a personality disorder
I think your mom is suffering from mental and emotional problems. What is obvious to you is not obvious to her. She needs professional help and you don’t have to fulfill her needs.
It’s more than just an icky thing. Pity her. She’s obviously suffering and I truly hope you can find a way to move out and get some distance. Don’t live with the boyfriend… find a responsible girl friend.
It’s important to address the uncomfortable dynamic with your mom where she treats you like a partner. Initiate an open and honest conversation with her, expressing how her behavior makes you feel and the need for personal space and boundaries. Validate her emotions while firmly asserting the need for changes. Offer alternative ways to spend quality time together that are comfortable for both of you. Consider seeking support from a family therapist or counselor to facilitate discussions. Prioritize self-care and surround yourself with supportive individuals as you navigate this process of establishing healthier boundaries in your relationship with your mom.
This is emotional incest. My mom behaved this way towards my brother. It was sick. I felt bad for him. May he rest in peace.
Look up spousification
She needs a psych eval and maybe a neurological work up. You said this started only relatively recently. She could have had a mini stroke which has affected her personality, or she might have a tumor, or any number of other health issues that are causing this.
We had a family friend who was the nicest guy you could possibly imagine, but then around the time he was your mom’s age, he started acting totally out of character — imagining he was in a relationship with a much younger woman (he was not and his sudden stalkerish behavior freaked out not only her, but his wife and kids). Turns out, this was not some sudden failing of his principles, he had developed a mental illness (I think schizophrenia) that was well controlled with medication. Unfortunately he was not diagnosed until his marriage fell apart and his friends had abandoned him, thinking he had chosen this personality change.
Try to convince your mom to see a doctor, and let that doctor know about your concerns. The doctor can’t tell you your mom’s private health info, but you can tell the doctor what has you rightfully alarmed.
emotional incest is very real and looks like she desperately needs therapy.
edit: typo
That is fucking weird and wrong girlfriend. Time to start saying “no” to the kisses, massages, and letting her sleep in your bed. Let her throw her tantrums. If she tells you no one calls her cute names tell her she needs to find a boyfriend. This creeped me out so badly. Can you move out? I feel like that’s your best bet because things are so far gone into disgusting loony town that it will be tough to put the boundaries in place after 3 years of this without it being a major undertaking and headache for you. Your mom needs psychiatric help or a dating app. You should not be going through this. Sorry OP.
Get out of there before she tries to skin you and wear you like a suit!
UpdateMe!
Single mothers often treat their kid like a husband
Sounds very similar to my late mother. She had borderline personality disorder. I strongly encourage you to move put as soon as possible.
This is not as simple as having a talk with her. This is at best codependency and at worst abuse. Talk to a professional about it and seriously start thinking of moving out and cutting her out of your life before it’s too late.
This is the first time my first and only response is that she needs therapy.
Help her get some soon
Ugh. Your mom sounds heartbroken. Her feelings are so misplaced. The tantrums are probably raw fear of being alone. If it was my mom, I would argue, but throughout remind her that I love her so much and want the best for her, and I’m so sorry that she’s feeling (scared? lonely? old? unlovable to men?) I’d speak so gently about the inappropriate behaviour (at a time when it’s not happening). Maybe help her find some therapy, or some interests where she can be social.
If possible, after you hopefully have a good heart to heart, it’s probably time to move out. She needs to find herself without using you as a crutch.
I wish you both the best. We can get so lost in life sometimes, but love is where the light is and I hope she’s able to move on to the next chapter in a happy way.
It seems like she needs help. Try to get her to talk to a specialist.
get her some cute outfits, take her out to a couple of places…snap some pictures of her and put her ass on tinder. booom, problem solved. thank me later.
I know you’re not ready to go [no contact](https://www.mattdfox.com/no-contact/) yet, so *let her throw her tantrums*. A tantrum is not a sign your [boundary](https://www.thecandidly.com/2019/if-you-still-dont-get-boundaries-this-one-idea-might-change-everything) is unfair or unreasonable. It’s usually actually a sign your boundary is very, *very*, **very** necessary. It is of utmost important that you [uphold this boundary](https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/).
It is incredibly important that you [disengage](https://captainawkward.com/2017/07/17/995-reassuring-abusive-parents-its-a-trap/) with her reaction to your boundary and consistently uphold your boundary by walking away from her whenever she crosses your boundary.
And absolutely, 100% [move out](https://captainawkward.com/2011/10/18/question-122-should-i-move-away-from-my-abusive-family/) ASAP. It makes boundaries 100x easier to uphold, and will also give you the space to better process the abuse you’ve been suffering.
Best of luck. Wishing you well.
Talk to a therapist, try to get your mom to talk to one. Maybe she’ll go to one if it’s a group thing. But if she won’t get help/change, you need to get away from her.
your mom has had an emotional break. She needs help. As her next of kin you are able to call and have her involuntarily committed for evaluation. Good luck
Oop, I am concerned that it could be a problem of psychiatric nature.
This very post means it is not the normal state of your relations. And she guilt trips you in an intimacy bordering manga fantasy.
You should definitively ask for help. Your doctor is the first person for such a strange behavior. And s-he will keep silent less there is a clear danger s-he must adress by law.
I wish I had something else to say other than… is your mom my mom?
You have to get out, OP. My moms jealousy ended with her kicking me out of the house and when she did, I took the opportunity and I ran with it. I have been homeless since then because I refused to ever go back. I knew if I went back, I would never leave again. She wouldn’t let me. So I never, ever went back. And I put in some very strict boundaries with her which really improved our relationship a lot.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone.
Yuck. Emotional incest. Go low contact- NO CONTACT if you can.
i would try and sit her down (in a semi public space preferably) for an adult discussion first. Don’t give her tantrum options, and tell her if she keeps on going like this, chances are you will only be spending less and less time with her.
Tell her you understand she requires emotional support in her life, and as a daughter you’re there for her, but you’re her daughter, not her partner.
If she refuses to have a normal discussion about this. Starts deflecting or throws a tantrum, just move out. You’re 20 You can live on your own.
Your mom is sick though. And she needs help. What I’d do is possibly go to a mental facility or find a psychiatrist at a hospital and actually ask for advice on how to proceed and whatnot.
Because like someone already mentioned, this is emotional incest and she’s gotten obsessed. This will only worsen with time and she will have a breakdown once you move out or lord forbid, gets pregnant. She will blow a fuse… and when someone who’s already obsessed and has created an emotional incest type of scanerio gets pushed that far there’s no saying who unstable and dangerous she could become. Self-harm or harming others.
It could start with simple stalking and harassment, then it’d escalate further and further till it actually turns dangerous.
So, before all that happens there’s a chance to nip this in the bud while she’s just hostile to others around you. But I think it’s progressed pretty far already, for her to be upset about you calling your dog sweetie.
But if you want to have a decent relationship with you mom, therapy is the only way. Active therapy.
single mother , not surprised
Maybe consider having sex with her so you can develop a closer relationship.