I met a guy, Paul, a few months ago at an event, and we had a good connection and have been seeing each other a few times a week since then.
I’m not sure if its relevant, but we are both polyamorous, though neither of us are seeing anyone else right now.
As I’ve been getting to know him, it’s become apparent that Paul has a bit of a savior complex. He has a lot of girl friends that have a lot of issues, and they all go to him for mental and emotional support. And Paul loves being the “therapist friend,” even though he says it weighs on him.
I do not need that. I’m a very independent person and lucky enough that I am in a very good place in life. And that’s part of the reason that Paul says he enjoys being with me, is that I don’t need anything from him.
I didn’t see the Savior thing as that much of an issue until just today. We saw each other yesterday and Paul was telling me about how he had to tell his friend Sarah that he needed space from her, because she was constantly crying to him about her relationship problems, but then she got back with the guy she had broken up with. Paul told her couldn’t continue to support her when she kept going back to the guy.
And then just a bit ago, Paul text me about how Sarah had come over, and even though he told her 3 times that he needed space from her, that she “really needed him” and they were able to talk through things and work it out.
I find it super concerning that Paul repeatedly allowed his friend to ignore the boundaries he set in order to get what she wanted. I mean, it’s great that they were able to talk things through, but also, yikes.
And I’m not sure if this is enough yikes to take a step back from the relationship I’m forming with him, or just to continue to proceed cautiously.
I did tell him that I thought it was concerning that Sarah repeatedly ignored his requests for space, but he hasn’t read my message yet.
Is this too much?
TL;DR: Guy I’ve been seeing allows his friends to ignore set boundaries because he has a Savior complex; not sure if I should call it quits or proceed cautiously.
4 comments
Once upon a time, I had a college professor who you’d initially think was a lovely fellow. In the mental health counseling field, friendly, amiable, welcoming – a chill old guy preparing for retirement, etc. He started telling the class a story one day about an undergrad who wrote about her history of sexual abuse in one of his classes, and his story of navigating how to create a safe space for her and help her because of her story standing out as so heartwrenching and personal to him. He said this as a way of telling our class of the unexpected bumps in the road of working with students of all walks of life, or… something.
Then he started talking about the flashbacks and nightmares she had at night, also mentioning the books on trauma that she had on her nightstand. Homie was straight up in his 60s and bragging about grooming an underage traumatized girl. In this story, he fully thought he was the good guy who swept in to save the day and be a supportive partner, when it really felt like he took advantage of someone’s trauma in a self-serving way, to be the knight in shining armor (who also knew a lot about how to exploit someone’s vulnerabilities).
I am a therapist now, and generally speaking, savior types often feel disingenuous and somewhat predatory to me. Gives me creepy crawlies under my skin! It feels like your dude is setting a carpet at someone’s feet and then pulling it out from under them while they’re walking on it. I don’t like that.
Depends on whether it’s too much for you. It sounds like you disapprove of the way he conducts his other relationships, and that isn’t going to change. Are you able to listen and be supportive as he recounts all of the ways he tries to solve his friends’ problems for them? For some people, this would not bother them; for others, it really would.
weird that he withdrew support because she went back to that guy. Pretty shitty for a ‘savior’
Yeah it could be an issue, but it’s how he wants to conduct his relationships. Maybe he gave in because it was easiest, he felt bad, decided it wasn’t worth it etc. Too much is really subjective- for me, I get it. It’s not good overall that he gave in, but maybe he’s still learning how to set boundaries. When you’ve always been the helper, it’s nice to have someone who’s independent, so I believe him. It doesn’t sound like it’s cheating boundaries though, just not putting his foot down about when he’s feeling burned out. I think you just have to decide if you’re willing to be around him while he works on it or not.