Do people just forget how harsh, rude, excessively critical, and disrespectful to you and think you’re supposed to accept their fake friendly energy days, months or years later without ever apologizing?

13 comments

1. I’m not sure what you’re preferring here. You want them to continue the harsh rudeness? or to ignore you?

   In general I think it’s best to deal with problem interactions at the time, or at least soon from the time of the incident. Carrying it around with you months later makes life more difficult.

2. (Some) people are rude (sometimes) because they have a thick skin and shrug off hostilities easily the next day or the next moment act like everything’s fine (but maybe still keeping a score) and project that thick skin unto others, thus thinking they are fine lashing out because they also can take it.

   Some people, like me, are extremely sensitive and have a thin skin, I get ressentfull, cold and on my guard, until probably the next time I’m treated remotely nice or not-harsh by those same people. It means I have a soft heart, I guess (but I still keep a score). As such, it’s very easy for me to control myself and not lash out because I project my thin skin unto others.

   People don’t apologize unless (maybe) they perceive the slight causes the loss of a relationship they value very much. As such, I’ve stopped expecting apologies (specially from non-bestie friends and not-close-family and accepted the fact that I will get hurt and that suffering and dissapointment are part of life and the cost of trying to be vulnerable. It’s for sure, not easy. But if I stop being vulnerable then I will feel very lonely. And I would rather feel hurt than lonely. At least there’s potential to learn something from hurt. Choosing the loner path is just asking for your “social muscles” to atrophy and for perceived social ambiguities to be perceived as a slight. Thus reinforcing being a loner.

3. i’m not sure if you’re looking for advice what to do here, and if not feel free to ignore this.

   maybe you could tell them how you see this? ideally yeah, they would’ve apologized or not have been rude or ignored it in the first place, but if they do come up being all friendly, you could be like look, you’re being all friendly with me but i’m still not fine with how you acted before. or something like that.

4. I very honestly have no idea what you’re talking about when you talk about people doing “this”, this sounds like a scenario specific to whatever interaction you had with whoever this is.

5. Don’t forget what people did. You have nothing to gain by forgiving them. They have everything to gain by it.

   I’m at peace, but if one of my bullies talked to me, I would just tell them to go fuck themselves and be on my way.

6. I see you’ve met my husband.

7. There are things you can control. Your Reaction to a stimuli can be trained but not completely controlled as it’s an autonomic reaction. Your Responses and Actions? These are things fully within your power to Do and Change as you wish.

   You cannot control the Reactions, Responses, or Actions of another human being. You can inspire change, but you do not have any control over what someone else does or thinks.

   It’s possible that their interpretation of things is drastically different than yours. Did you tell them how you felt “months ago”? Or did you just let it keep simmering to boil-over? If it is such a big matter, then why treat with this person at all; why not just *persona non grata* them?

8. Most people don’t know they’re being an asshole when they’re being an asshole. Very few people correct the asshole in the moment.

   And sometimes it’s just “foot in mouth” disease. They don’t intend to be an asshole, but they have no filter. My aunt on my dad’s side called my uncle on my mom’s side fat at a recent funeral. She said “I think you were a lot thinner the last time we met”. I was thinking to myself “holy shit woman!”. I love my aunt, but damn she’s an idiot sometimes. But there’s an example of me doing a crappy job telling her she was being an asshole at the time. Luckily my uncle is very chill. And they hopefully won’t see each other for another 30 years.

   If you don’t like how people have behaved in the past, don’t hang out with them in the future. Grey rock.

9. a family member has been haranguing our small family here over email, including carbon copy sending weird, toxic, hateful emails to the family.

   He is in intimidation, guilt tripping, menacing.. and it stems from a severe personality change years ago from drug abuse… mixed with entitlement, jealousy and a child-like sense of materialism. (He has the most toys wins mentality).

   My Father is about the only left that wants to entertain the asshole, cause my Father deeply values family. But like your post suggests, the menace person can’t comprehend why nobody wants to reply to him nor ever tries hard to arrange a visit.

   Childish clueless idiots who need to read, “How To Win Friends And Influence People “

10. Yah they do. But you don’t have to act fake friendly, just polite as you would to any stranger. Hello there. How are? How nice. Goodbye.

    This is way more effective than being overtly rude in return, and no one can accuse you of being rude. If it’s in the workplace, of being unprofessional. Keep things civil, deal with them only as much as you need to, and keep it moving

11. Ditch them

12. It’s been my experience that people who are abrasive and unkind are the same people who are not introspective enough to feel badly about it or feel they’ve done anything wrong.

    Or, they are hot headed and say things they regret but it’s more comfortable for them that you act like it didn’t happen vs have to apologize for it. When you don’t “let it go” they get angry/defensive because they don’t want to have to clean up the mess they made. I think people like this must have a decent amount of enablers that let them get away with it.

    I used to call people on it but there’s no use because they just deflect any blame and then tell everyone what a crazy/sensitive/ahole you are.

    Now I just avoid them and if they approach me I do not look happy to see them, keep things short and try and get out of the convo. I think most of the time they know very much why I cut them out and just don’t like to admit fault to anyone. But yes the audacity of some people to blow up at you and then come back later like nothing happened. No one deserves that treatment.

13. I deal with similar issues. Currently been trying to work on it.

    Advise I’m given from therapists, stay calm and clearly communicate your thoughts/boundary. The clearly part always get emphasized because it has to be straight to the point. No storytelling, no beating around the bush, no over explaining. No it’s not impolite, just a boundary and everyone is entitled to them.

    Second, if it is that rude and uncalled for, turn it back on them by asking them to elaborate. It puts them on the spot light instead of you and a reaction. “Well, what I meant…” And then they get uncomfortable. Or it buys you another minute to come up with a response like the above paragraph.

    Lastly, not everyone will be compatible with everyone. So people will rub you the wrong way and upset you. If they continue to cause you discomfort and disrespect you, then it’s okay to think “these just aren’t my people”. And that brings some comfort. You can’t change people and you should definitely not change for anyone else. They’re just family you have to see every once in a while. But hopefully at home you have a better crowd.

    Hopes any of this helps. Good luck! 🍀