As a cis-het dude (probably) I hear the word “confidence” getting tossed around a lot. Needing to be confident. Needing to *exude* confidence. And with that comes the micromanagement of my smile, my body, whether to hold hands, when to offer a physical embrace, etc. Because that’s what we’re expected to do: be confident. Make the *other* person feel safe.
I’ve always rankled at this arms-race of confidence, and now I think I understand why. Being confident helps my potential partner feel safe, but what good does that do when *I* don’t feel safe with them?
Looking back, I have hardly ever felt safe or secure with the women I’ve dated. There’s always been an uncomfortable distance. A coldness. Or maybe not coldness, but an air of tension. As if they keep waiting for me to give them something without offering any clues. And I keep trying to perform (often overperform) with humor or forced enthusiasm, resulting in either A) my dates leaving early or B) radio silence after the fact. The end result is a bad date, not specifically because nothing came of it, but because I end up a nervous wreck, which in turn feeds my self-loathing issues. All because I spend 99% of the date in a state of utter panic or despair.
Take my last date. I had been talking to this person online for a while, but when we met up things were different. We hugged, but it didn’t feel right. She kept looking at me as if expecting something, but I couldn’t figure out what. Any jokes or levity I attempted to inject into the date fell flat, or were answered with what felt like jabs at my expense (really it was at the expense of Capitalism or the art world or whatever, but still). She ended up leaving early, which was honestly for the best, and I felt horrible for days after.
Now let’s look at a counterexample. Because yes, sometimes my dates *do* go well. I met a woman at a friend’s party, and she had the best sense of humor. Apparently she thought I was cute, because she asked a mutual friend for my contact info. Our first date was great, because everything she did put me at ease. We listened to music in my car, we constantly made dirty jokes while at the zoo, we improvised when a museum we had wanted to visit was packed, and the whole experience made me feel good. You could say “hey dumbass, the difference is that she actually *liked* you.” But it was more than that. I *could* be confident around her, because she made an effort to make me feel *safe*. We went out a few times after that, and no, a relationship didn’t happen. But at least we had fun. At least I think about that experience with fondness rather than anxiety or sorrow.
I guess my point is, I need to stop seeing dating as a confidence game. Because it’s not, at least for me. I need someone who makes me feel safe. And I have to wonder how many other dudes (or non cis-het women/non-binary folk) feel the same way, but either live in denial or have become accustomed to not being heard.
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It sounds to me like the difference is when both of you are trying to play the game vs. being with someone just being themselves that also allows you to be yourself. By the game I mean this idea that’s promoted by both (some) women and (some) men that women want the man to be tall and have big arms to make them feel small and protected, etc etc. That’s a role people put themselves in because they think it’s what is expected of them.
You’re also putting yourself in that role when you try to anticipate what you think the woman wants you to be. That’s uncomfortable because you understandably just want to be you.
Believe it or not, every “cis-het” women doesn’t want that. I don’t. I just want to hang with a guy I like and act natural. I don’t expect him to perfectly banter and flirt at exactly the right time or know exactly when to kiss me on a date without even asking me. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of women do feel this way so it isn’t just your imagination. But it’s up to you to make the choice not to participate in that.
I won’t lie, it isn’t easy either way. The people who refuse to play the game are few and far between so it’s going to be quality over quantity. But for me it isn’t worth it to try to fit myself into that mold and try to be whatever the current notion of a feminine woman is supposed to be. I’m just myself and people can take it or leave it.
means you not ready to date
Hallelujah, someone who just wants to hang out and be themselves! Can I get an Amen?
Showing confidence when dating has nothing to do with making the other person feel safe. It’s attractive. Being nervous and self-conscious is *not* attractive.
Confidence is doing what you truly want to do and not second guessing every choice you make. By the first paragraph in your post, I feel like you might be overthinking rather.
This was honestly an eye opening read for me.
It’s never really truly occurred to me how much open encouragement guys probably need. Especially these days when it seems everyone’s actions and words are under such an intense microscope.
I’m a firm believer in very forthright communication. But I never really thought about how much reassuring was necessary for some guys in order to make them feel comfortable to express what they want to, whether that’s physically or otherwise. It makes sense though, since I’m sure a lot of men don’t want to come off as creepy or weird or trying too hard, etc.
I think you’re just more compatible with witty extroverted people and you may be seen as off putting to serious introverts
It sounds like you don’t know how to stay “present”. Instead of just being in each moment you’re analyzing every word, move from yourself and the other party involved. It kind of reminds of an anxious attachment style but before the attachment.
I can empathize with the pressures you feel. I know that’s not easy. If I was feeling this way on a lot of dates I would think maybe I’m not ready to date and maybe I need to do some sort of self work so I can cope when feeling these anxieties. I hope it gets better! At least you care.
Everyone has enormous and unrealistic expectations placed on them by society, and it can be difficult to shed those and just be yourself.
People who make us comfortable enough to be ourselves are to be cherished.
I’d say be aware of the difference between displaying confidence and doing things to make the other person feel secure. Confidence has to be a two way street because you have to be able to be authentic and disagreeable in order to have an actually intimate relationship. I think a lot of men think it’s their job to make their woman feel better, but it really needs to be equal. You’re definitely right, men need to feel safe too.
It’s an interesting thought, but I do think confidence is at play here. Ideally, the quality of a date shouldn’t dictate how secure you are with yourself. Of course we are human and I’m assuming you aren’t a sociopath so there is some level of negative feeling after a crappy date. But it’s concerning that you felt horrible days after a bad date, and I do think that’s a reflection of your confidence. And I do think it’s important to improve your confidence internally for the purpose of having good mental health.
Most of the posts I see on this sub aren’t really helpful (a lot of them revolve around specific situations that not a lot of people can relate). This post, though I found pretty helpful in the fact that you reference “the game” as it’s a dance you play with your date to push the right buttons for the other person. I do this a lot, and it usually ends poorly rather than being myself (I don’t believe I exhibit any red flags or toxic traits as I try to be as nice and respectful as i can). As an introvert and not very confident person it hits home to not over think it too much but it comes to haunt me later as I wonder what was the other person thinking that I deserved to be ghosted, rejected, or told that it isn’t going to work out. It’s a constant battle to get to a point to not care as much and be myself, but I’ve come a long way from when I started dating 8 months ago after a long-term relationship ended. For now, though, I’ll try to be not as nervous and give off a chill and respectful vibe so the other person can be themselves too.
I want to give kudos to you, though, as this post is one of the few I bookmark to reflect back on, and i relate so well to it. Good advice, OP 👍.