TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT SHAMING ANYONE FOR THERE OWN DECISIONS ON ANYTHING!
This post stems from a post I just saw in a different thread, and got my curious. Basically, a married woman who is unhappy sexually because her husband is very vanilla while she is not. Otherwise, the marriage is great.
I know this is incredibly dependent on a lot of factors but, sexual compatibility IS important in a relationship – any type of relationship. It can make or break one very easily too!
No, I’m not saying to have sex on every first or second date you go on here.. If you do that, awesome! If not, also awesome! I very much understand the hesitancy some women (and men, but mostly women) have when it comes to having sex for the first time with someone. Will they ghost me after? Is sex all they are trying to get? etc… Very valid concerns, for sure; but at the same time, if someone has no other options while seeing you, or hasn’t had sex in a long time, chances are somewhat high they are down to play the “long game,” so will wait it out until it happens.
That aside though, IMO I think it’s kind of silly to have a set time frame of when you are willing to have sex. Say it’s something like 3 months before you will. That’s great and all but, that just seems like a HUGE waste of time, energy, effort, money, etc… to waste on someone only to figure out that when you have sex 3 months down the line, there is zero sexual chemistry or compatibility. And then boom! It’s over. You could have put all that time and effort into someone else who you knew 100% was on the same sexual page as yourself.
We date and evaluate a potential partner based off of dozens and dozens of traits, characteristics, values, and whatever else while dating right? Why is sexual compatibility typically the last thing that is evaluated when it’s one of the easiest things TO evaluate?
TLDR: Since for most people, sexual chemistry IS very important, why wait so long to figure out if that’s even there in the first place? Rather than waste time getting to know someone, develop feelings, and then months later realize there is ZERO sexual chemistry whatsoever?
9 comments
Because, for a lot of people, it takes time to develop sexual chemistry or get comfortable enough to have decent sex. A lot of women find sex more enjoyable when you genuinely care for the person first, and sex inherently presents some risks, so usually we want to make sure you are worth those risks before we take them.
Doesn’t the risk even out to be the same, tho? You can wait 3 months and find out you’re not sexually compatible, or it can be the other way around where you have sex the first date and then realize in 3 months you aren’t compatible in other ways.
I’ve had a situation where everything was great, 3 months in I finally had sex and it was so horrible. It ruined everything and we ended up going separate ways.
The thing is, though… I can’t just immediately have sex with anyone. It takes time. So it’s just something I have to deal with if we end up being sexually incompatible 😫
It is an important part of a relationship and we date and get to know someone/become closer in stages… just like being exclusive, saying I love you… or any other stage. Do those things at your pace & prioritize your needs accordingly.
You can explore sexual chemistry without having intercourse and by communicating.
I had sex on the first date with the girl I’m currently dating. I love to fuck and want to date the same. I would not wait months. I would move on
I think waiting is better. If you have sex early… you likely don’t have very strong feelings for each other, you may not be that comfortable with each other, and it probably will suck. If you wait then the sexual tension will be high, you will have some level of familiarity with each other, and it’s more likely to be passionate. This is just how I see it though.
I think it depends on whether the right vibe is there – if you’re both into it and there’s some serious sexual energy just sparking about, by all means, have it out within the first 15 minutes of date 1. I personally have never felt like that about anyone I have ever dated – typically I get the tinglies in my nether regions once I have been on a couple of dates, and my date says or does something I find beyond cute/sexy in my own way (“he just allowed an old lady to go ahead of him at a supermarket check-out, and boom, I want to jump his bones now”), which really kickstarts the process for me. It can be days, weeks or months for me to get there, I can’t put a time limit on it. To be fair, if I have waited until the time I/we felt like was the right time, our sexual compatibility has never been an issue. You’re more likely to not be sexually compatible if you just bang one out to see if the chemistry is there. I’ve never been in a situation where I had an emotional connection with the person, and we had sex and our relationship got worse, like I can’t see how that could be a thing. Yes, it can be a bit awks/fumbly the first time until you figure out what ‘buttons’ turn your partner on, but because you have the emotional connection you wanna keep at it until you’ve unlocked treasure chest, so you’re less likely to just be like, okay that was average and I don’t want to do this again, because your emotional connection trumps it, if it makes sense. This might be a girl/woman thing, but most of us need an emotional connection to get us going.
As long as you both have similar expectations re sex, I don’t see a need to put any weird time expectations on it. If you’re both into it and can’t wait to do it, by all means do it when it feels right. I personally have in the past felt pressured to have sex by date 3 or I’m just wasting someone’s time, and sex has normally been pretty average when I go through with it and I’d rarely want to see the guy ever again, like it was okay, but the energy was average so the sex was not emotionally charged and thus average and will certainly not get me to a stage where I’d like a repeat experience. If someone is set on the need to have sex by date 1, 2 or 3, that puts massive pressure on dating, and I’d rather not even engage with someone like that now that I am older & wiser.
Communication is key for me – just have the convo with the date 1 re expectations, previous experiences dating etc. and you’ll gauge what they’re into/what’s their preference.
In that scenario the issue is just how sexually incompatible they were, not the waiting. You can wait but still know all your partners preferences. I would never Marry someone who I didn’t know the ins and outs of their sexual preferences even without sleeping with them
I waited till marriage for sex for religious reasons and ended up in a 20 year dead bedroom.
Now I have sex right away. First three dates right away. I want a relationship. With sexual compatibility.