*TLDR:* date a guy for 2 months, green flags all the way, until he asks to put things on hold while he travels for a month, but keep in touch and pick up when he’s back, declining my offer to visit him and seemingly freaking out about the relationship and wanting to keep things more casual. Then a few days into the trip he ghosts.
*Background:* dated 2.5 months, hung out 2-3 nights a week since the 2nd week, talked every day since the 2nd week, not exclusive, started sleeping together a month in, both expressed we liked each other many times, both expressed we wanted a monogamous relationship, both showed up consistently for each other, both were asking questions like we were truly trying to get to know each other, both been vulnerable with each other, developed inside jokes. All green flags except it concerned me didn’t want to be exclusive yet a month into dating me (hadn’t slept together yet at the point I brought it up) saying he equated it to being bf/gf official, and I figured, fine, I can give it another month or so if that’s what he needs to feel comfortable
Fast forward to 2-month mark, a Sat night: he casually dropped into the conversation that he’s leaving for a month of work travel the following week. I say maybe I can coordinate a weekend to visit and we leave it at that. Then I go back to my place Sun Eve, usual routine, and something is off the next week. Its the day before he’s supposed to leave, Wed, and he’s not tried to make plans to see me before leaving or for when he’s gone.
So I call him and, cutting an hour long emotional call short: he’s hesitant the whole time about what to do, big back and forth but summary is he thinks long distance sucks, he’s not sure if he’s ready, its going to be an insanely busy trip, and he’s not sure if it makes sense for me to visit but he wants to stay in touch and pick things up when he’s back and he really really likes me. I declined saying I’m not down to keep in touch, ambiguity not for me, but have a good trip. He asked me to change his mind. I go okay…feels weird to have to sell you on wanting to see me but: you seem to be overthinking this, I’m not trying to rush things, but how else would we keep dating, etc etc, then with more certainty that his gut is to wait til he’s back. I say okay.
My general rule is “not ready” means “never gonna happen”, but I went back and forth for 5 days whether given how much we had up to that point, the sudden travel, maybe this time was different, and against my better judgment messaged him that I’d be okay to keep in touch. He again said he liked me and cared about me and missed me. Then we go back to texting as normal, a few long messages per day (most of his updates being that he’s busy and overwhelmed) but then 3 days later, asks me for an update, I wrote a paragraph or two, and then he never responded. That was 2 weeks ago. I didn’t send anything else.
*My questions are:*
-why ghost? Like I get it, he’s selfish and immature, but in this particular situation, why ghost? We’d gotten so close up to that point, and he was a good communicator, seemed a genuine person, honest, seemed deeply invested, and seemed to have a moral backbone. Did he like and care about and miss me one week, and change his mind the next? Had he been manipulating me the whole time? Not sure if anyone is that good an actor. Did he just suddenly lose interest, some fearful avoidant shit? Is there someone else? Or no one specific, just wants to screw around freely? WHY suddenly destroy a great thing? Does he not think of this as ghosting, or not a big deal “keep in touch” is loose, and he’d already said it was on hold til he’s back, and doesn’t think he’s destroying anything?
-what are the chances he gets back and texts me to hang out when he’s back in town? How do I respond? Is there any reality in which he’s not a POS? Having a hard time reconciling the two versions of him.
*Notes to self:* never start sleeping with a guy without being exclusive again, “not ready” does indeed pretty much always mean “never gonna happen”
Edit: Thanks everyone, feeling much clearer and greatly relieved, not losing my fucking mind anymore, after reading the responses
Edit 2: placing my bet now, will update in a month: someone new and exciting/an old flame came along mid-May in that city, he will message within a week when he’s back, ranging from coming on strong to telling me he met someone, most likely just a tepid check in.
8 comments
My 5 cents is: he had someone there already, or had set up something there.
In any case he doesn’t seem interested any longer in pursuing something with you.
Asking yourselves ‘why’ doesn’t help – both you and the redditors can only speculate. The guy is the only one who knows.
Move on, my opinion. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in your life, right now you are stressed and upset about something that’s over.
It’s got zero to do with you, so no amount of worrying about it will change the facts.
> WHY suddenly destroy a great thing?
From your story, it seemed like he was hesitant about committing the entire time, so I’m not sure how this has come as a surprise. Ghosting is sucky but it looks like you’ve romanticized the potential of this relationship a little. No problem, that happens sometimes.
My advice is to just let it go. If he reaches out again to hang out, decide if you’re willing to start this again with knowing that it might not lead to anything. If not, tell him clearly that you’re looking for something serious and that you don’t want to pick things back up if he’s not ready to commit.
Uhg classic shitty situation for the female heart.
I think you nailed the confusion with your note to self: y’all have been doing sorting he likes so how can you ever know is he likes you or that thing you do with him sometimes? I’d hate to be in your situation because ultimately you want to be valued and you’re not getting that. His words keep you around because they are sweet and he says the words, “I like you.”
It’s more like, “I like you, but…” and that is no bueno.
All your questions can be answered with: there is someone else.
Have sex because you like sex. Withhold it if you want commitment first. These are personal preferences.
I would say you placed expectations on something that had potential. And started to feel something. It hurts. Don’t entertain this person again.
That month long trip was to see his other family. My man has a wife and kids somewhere lol.
That month long break is what I’m afraid of for early relationships. Being away from someone just as you’re getting to know them seems more likely to create a distance than make them miss you. In your case it sounded like he was hesitant already before leaving but it would probably hurt more if he went cold in the middle of his trip or worse – have you travel there and be distant.
Count your blessings better now then later. You ain’t invested on him yet. Ita only been 2 or 3 months. Hes a coward do you really want a coward of a man? Don’t think so.