I 26 F and my bf 28 M have been dating for almost three years now. I will copy and paste texts between me and my mom after a phone conversation with me telling her I am going on vacation with my bf of three years and his family who she doesn’t approve of because he is “not of my race,” “dark” “short” and “has tattoos” and “unattractive.” This conversation took place after I hung up on her from being so upset about what she was saying, which is nothing new btw, just the first time saying it about someone I actually see a future with. Someone please tell me if I am in the wrong because sometimes I feel so gaslit and brainwashed into thinking I am when I revert back to the small controlled child when I talk to her. I try to take everything I’ve learned from therapy and working in the mental health field but it seems to all go out the window when I speak with her. She said I am also acting immorally and cheap and sleazy for going on vacation with my bf and his family when I am not engaged. Advice please.
Her: There is never a conversation with you, it always ends up like this unfortunately. Dad needs to talk to you, since I am always he bad guy and accused of being from a different culture and racist, everyone has high expectations for their children, I just can’t for some reason. If I didn’t believe in you and held you at a higher regard, I wouldn’t feel this way.
Me: Leave me alone, you never care about my happiness or love me unconditionally. It’s always conditional on things that are superficial and wrong. I’m tired of it and you are pushing me away. This is the reason I am not answering your calls and don’t want to talk and you’re giving me panic attacks. You never care about my happiness with a partner or try to see past anything engrained in your mind.
I don’t want to talk to you for a long time so give me space. I space. I refuse to have *partners name* criticized in this way when he has done nothing but be respectful and loving and a good person.
Her: I love you that is why I care about your life long choices and happiness.
Me: If you truly cared about my life long choices and happiness, all that would matter is if I’m happy regardless or race, skin color, looks, and any other superficial concept that someone cannot help that only serves OTHER people and not the eve of the beholder. I try so hard to be respectful and loving to you and a good daughter but I can’t keep living for others and have to do what makes me happy especially at age 26. If you don’t support my happiness which is what I’m TELLING you myself that I genuinely feel, I have never been as happy with anvone than I am now, then I need to draw a boundary between me and you for my own sake. It pains me to do this and I was dreading this because I love you and felt that we have made so much progress in our relationship, but it pains me to always have it take a step back because of this. I turned off my location because I need space from you. Next time you want to talk to me about this it needs to be through a third party aka therapy.
Her: Yes, you have controlled the situation for the last ten years and you still are . We haven’t been able to have openions or this is what I get. It is either we accept all you choices or I am pushed out of your life. I don’t feel like a mother that has an opinion that should be
respected. I obviously failed as a mother. I admit it.
TL;DR My mom is racist towards my bf of three years and need advice on how to navigate my relationship with her.
3 comments
Yes, either she accepts your choices or she should be pushed out of your life. That is how life works once you are an adult. If she is going to complain about being held responsible for her actions, then so be it. You should probably highly limit contact and communication with her.
When she starts acting like this just say “mom you’re being racist again, love you, bye”. And the keep on with your life.
Literally just dismiss this ignorant crazy part of her as something that holds no value. Trying to reason with opinions based in nonsense is like trying to dig a hole in water.
Based on your post your mother isn’t entirely wrong.
Why do your boundaries have to be so extreme? Why can’t you simply place discussions about your BF off-limits, and still see her and talk to her about other things?
Sure, she’ll still bring up complaint etc about your BF from time to time, but you can address that by letting her say her piece for a few minutes, and then saying “Now you’ve said your piece, I’m not going to respond as I have previous stated I put a boundary in place that I won’t discuss my romantic relationship with you. Oh how is aunt so and so doing? Did she ever get XYZ like you mentioned last time?”