I have a job that keeps me far from home. I had leave and went home and met someone really cool. We hit it off instantly. I went back to work but we kept talking and I had no problem in pursuing a long distance relationship. After 3 weeks I called her and told her “I really like you and I want to see you again, my next chance for leave will be 2 and a half months from now”. She said great let’s plan a road trip together. We kept talking, everything was going great, planned the trip and did the trip.
First few nights we slept in bed together but no sex. I wasn’t worried. Happy to wait for someone I like. Second night of the trip we got into a deep convo and I figured out she slept with someone twice while we were talking about 6 weeks before our road trip / 6 weeks after we first met. She wanted to tell me before we slept together, was afraid because she didn’t want to put me off because she really liked me. I told her it really bothered me and I knew she didn’t do anything wrong because we weren’t official. But I cried a lot in front of her. I actually laughed so hard and cried at the same time because I was like wow I am pathetic for thinking she wasn’t that type of person and wouldn’t do something like that just because I told her I really liked her and wanted to see her again. We talked it out and decided we’d continue the trip. We had sex the next night. Talked about it more and if it was going to bother me we may as well not start a relo and call if off before it even began. I decided she didn’t do anything wrong so I wouldn’t be mad and I still really liked her. If I gave up so easy I could have missed out on the best thing that ever happens to me. At the end of the week long trip I developed strong feelings and I told her I want her to be my girlfriend. Exclusive. She said yes.
I went back to work and we’ve been exclusively together, long distance for over a year now (seen each other 93/365 days of our first year) I’m about to move back home leaving my job (not because of her, I just want a change). I’d say in the last year it’s come up in my mind a handful of times. I’ve talked to a psychologist about it (seen a psych because I hated my job but also asked a lot of relo questions along the way). I feel like I’ve forgiven her but I just can’t forget about it. Every once in a blue moon the thought of it comes back and I fucking hate it. I hate thinking about how we first met and got together. Because I think about is that instead of what should be a lovingly cute how did you meet story. I’ve read a few QnAs of similar situations and most dudes say they would have just left before the relo began on principle even tho she did nothing wrong. It still just hurts and goes to show I was putting more effort into making a relo before she was and obviously had no faith in a long distance relo until we met again for the road trip and she developed strong feelings too. We’ve been really good since being together. We love each other very much. I have no trust issues whatsoever doing long distance. She is super loyal. It’s just when we weren’t exclusive but in the talking stage she wanted something I couldn’t give her due to being apart so she got it from someone else. We’d only met each other for 6hrs on our first date and the rest of the time texted, snapped and phone called. I wish I wasn’t insecure about something like this. I feel like she is the best girlfriend in the world. And I’m about to move back home and no longer long distance. It’s just sometimes (once every few of months) this situation comes back across my mind.
I guess what I’m wanting to hear is reassurance that I can continue this relo. I see so many dudes answer these questions with “I personally would have left” and it makes me go, “wow I think I fucked up and have made this worse for myself”. But is there anyone that could think oh well it’s not that bad and if everything is great after being long distance for a year and you’re about to close the gap, you can work it out and have a good future together. I don’t want to bring this up again with her because I don’t want her to feel attacked about a situation we’ve “sorted” out already.
TLDR;
Girlfriend had sex with someone while we were in the stalking stage. Found out before we became exclusive and decided to pursue relo anyway. Been happily together long distance for over a year but this still comes back to mind every now and then and it hurts.
Please help
6 comments
People have partners in their past. If she makes you happy then think about why this makes you upset
Not sure what forums you are going on where guys tell you they would’ve broken up over this unless it’s some of the misogynistic ones.
I’m a guy and don’t see anything that your girlfriend did that was remotely wrong. Unless you expected her to be a virgin before you met, why does her sleeping with someone when you were not exclusive, and not sleeping with each other effect you?
It’s fine to occasionally think about it. We all have stray thoughts from time to time. But it shouldn’t be a major issue in your relationship.
> But I cried a lot in front of her.
You know how you should get past this and not care since everyone has a past. Are you sure you’re not bothered most by your response?
Until you have the talk about being exclusive, you aren’t exclusive. Especially with the current dating/hook up culture.
Think of this as the butterfly effect. If the events hadn’t taken place who knows, you might not be together. She chose you, not that dude.
Everyone has a past. Don’t let a one sided agreement only made in your head mess with your head any more than it already has.
You weren’t together. You are now. To me, it sounds like you’re self-sabotaging.
I agree with what others say, but I also think the long-distance factor means there was even less certainty in you continuing to see each other. She may have been hurt in the past and prefers an approach of not “putting all her eggs in one basket” especially since this was an even less certain situation.