My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been involved since 2020. A lot of insecurity and jealousy I’ve built up from a situation at the beginning of our relationship caused me to mistake my partner’s friendship with another girl for his cheating on me. At the time this happened, we had just hit the 2 year mark and I was feeling very insecure due to us being far from each other because of school. I cried and broke down in front of my roommates. I told them what I \*thought\* to be the story and of course, they all did the usual “you deserve better” and whatnot. A few weeks later, once I was more rational, I reread his messages with this friend and saw that it was completely platonic. I realize my previous experience with being cheated on might’ve triggered this reaction. I recognize it was toxic and incredibly hurt my partner. I’ve been trying to work through it and go to therapy to improve myself. However, my worst regret is telling others and making him look bad. I’ve already talked about it with my closest girl friends and they acknowledge I made a mistake and advised me to be more careful. However, there is one person that I haven’t told and I’d really like for them to know I made a mistake. Of course, I can’t help if people think I’m making excuses for him or think I’m stupid, but I’d still like to make that effort. I also would like to take it as an opportunity to address harm I’ve caused and take accountability. How do I go about this? Should I even try?
TL;DR – I falsely accused my partner of cheating on me. How do I clear his name with my friend? Should I even try?
13 comments
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You just need to take accountability. Apologise and own the fact that you wrongly accused him and went ahead telling everyone. Tell him you are having therapy to address your jealousy and how you’ll be trusting going forward. Make sure you tell everyone because it’s not fair people wrongly think he is a cheater. It’s not nice.
Mistakes happen. But you have a talk or have proofs before smearing someone.
Having said that , why was your radar up anyway? After 2 years, your relationship should be settled.
I remember doing the same mistake with an ex when I was in early 20s.
First tell anyone that the accusations were misunderstanding on your part . No matter if you look bad in their eyes.
2 in time proves that you both are ok. And learn not to share your relationship problems with people who tell you to easily break up.
He derserves better… a long-distance relationship does not work unless both make it work… if you can not trust him, how do you expect him to trust you, especially if you make up lies about him. Seek professional help so you can deal with your trauma first, or else this will keep repeating until he gets fed up and cheats for real… if he is being accused anyway, he might as well do it.
Try being honest about your insecurities… talk to him as you would a female friend. Please do not make the mistake of going around in circles, yelling, repeating nonsense, and trying to make him guess what the problem is because he just won’t be able to tell. Direct communication works best.
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Just tell the friend you made a mistake! Let them know you appreciate their presence and that you appreciate them being along life with you as you grow and learn. You’re in your early twenties, mistakes happen and we fuck up but what’s important is how you express gratitude and accountability afterwards. Be empowered to address it directly, and soften yourself with gratitude that your friends are there for you no matter what 🙂
A woman was told, after speaking ill of her neighbors, to grab a bag of feathers and scatter them around the city.
She came back after doing so and was promptly told to gather them all back up.
She was able to find a few but wasn’t able to recover them all. Just like her words
>falsely accused my boyfriend
Yeah, don’t do that.
>How do I clear his name?
Put the truth out there … very publicly and clearly.
>there is one person that I haven’t told and I’d really like for them to know
And also tell that person quite directly and personally.
You can’t take back those kinds of things. The damage is done and it can’t be undone. Even telling people you were wrong, they are going to think you are just making excuses for him.
I’ve been cheated on a couple of times in life. I ended the relationship, but I never once threw them under the bus like you did. I just wasn’t going to go there.
Jealousy will kill any relationship there are no exceptions. Stop justifying why you did this. If you lose him it will be your own fault. But good on you for making this admission this shows you might have a chance of fixing this problem. Good luck
First and foremost always keep your problems to yourself. Share them with really close friends you can trust. No need to go around doing what you did. Hope the dude dumped you.
Plenty of comments already say you should own up and stuff, so I’ll focus on something else. You mentioned going to therapy, which is good but I think what’s best is to talk it through with your bf.
He is and will be your best therapist. Unless you feel uncomfortable opening up about the little details or don’t trust his ability to navigate these emotions with you, I really think you should be talking through these impulsive thoughts of yours with him. Give the guy a little credit!
More women went through this in their life than you could imagine. And it depends who it is you need to tell. To your friends or family you can simply say:
“Hey, remember when I accused xxx of cheating on me. Yea, I was mistaken. Haha I’m so embarrassed.”
To his friends and family:
“Hi, guys. I’m sorry for what happened, you know accusing xxx of cheating and all. I was going through some stuff that were making me emotional and insecure in our relationship but I’m working on it and taking accountability for how I projected it on our relationship. I’m sooo sorry to have dragged you guys into it.”
But tbh your boyfriend needs to be more responsible with having female friends because your jealousy is not without warrant. How you reacted may not align to your values, but if you were secretly hanging with a man your BF would’ve been jealous too! Because at the end of the day he was being secretive about his female friend which like another commenter said could’ve been to prevent a negative reaction from you, but that is not for him to decide for you. It is kind of selfish, because he was more worried about how he would feel within that moment of telling you than how you would feel once you find out which can threaten the security of the relationship. A relationship needs atleast 3 things to be maintain: honesty, trust and communication. He violated all 3.