Looking for some advice on how I (33m) can help with a 33f that I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We get on great and have fun together. I think there are many things we are compatible with.
She has said she has an avoidant attachment style. I’ve tried to do my research on this to better understand her and it sounds about like what I am experiencing. I’m not sure if this is what is happening here or maybe it is just a contributing factor.
She had a relationship in the past where the guy loved him but she didn’t love him. Or maybe she was confused with how she was feeling about him. He persuaded her to keep trying, which she did, but in the end she wasn’t feeling it and ended it. She regrets hurting someone so badly and has sworn to never let it happen again.
She has told me that she is getting deja vu feeling from this past relationship now. She is feeling “confusion” about how she is feeling. She also says I am not the same as him and that “my feelings for you are not the same as they were for him”. I have said we have only been dating for a short while and it takes time for deeper feelings to develop. Her response is that she understands that but she’s not referring to love.
At the same time she has expressed she is still interested in me and thinks I am the best guy she has met in a long time. I know her well enough that she wouldn’t have said those words lightly.
She knows she over-thinks things and maybe that is exactly what is happening here. She said she wants to do things differently this time and figure things out, but she doesn’t know how. Before we had even talked about this she had booked an appointment with a psychologist to help figure things out. She said she tried a psychologist last time, but they weren’t very helpful. She hopes this time it will be different. I see it as a positive she is willing to try to work on it.
So I’m left very confused as to what I should do. I want to give things a chance as everything else is great. I don’t know how I can help her or any suggestions on how she can help herself.
Any advice would be welcome.
TL;DR: Woman I am dating is interested but also confused. Possibly related to having an avoidant attachment style.
16 comments
Dude…. do NOT waste your time on a woman that you have to “do research” on why she’s incapable of forming attachments with people
She needs therapy. Relationships should be fun
Uhm, why is it your responsibility to “fix” something you didn’t cause, she already knows is a problem, and yet hasn’t worked on herself to fix? Don’t take on a project girlfriend. It’s exhausting and not worth the damage it will do to your ability to form connections with other people, which you will invariably do when this one explodes in your face.
She just needs to own this problem and speak to a therapist to sort out her own head, and she’s doing that.
You don’t jump on her emotional rollercoaster.
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style isn’t impossible, but it requires a lot of patience and self-assurance from you, and a lot of ability to trust their intent — even when their actions don’t line up perfectly with it.
In the end, if she doesn’t see this a problem she is responsible for addressing so she can have healthy and happy relationships, you cannot do a thing about it.
Oh my God RUN.
People who are avoidant attachers are not bad, nor are they incapable of love. But someone who hasn’t resolved or worked on it *on her own* is a glaring, waving, giant red flag. This woman is going to breadcrumb you and push you away/pull you back until you are half-crazy.
She is not ready for a relationship. She is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. Okay? You hear that?
Sure, if you hate yourself and don’t think you deserve a good partner, knock yourself out in a futile attempt of trying to “fix” her. Just remember you will fail and be unhappy. But sometimes people choose that because they have their own issues.
I am also avoidant. For me, it means that I don’t make myself vulnerable to others, even loved ones. I enjoy their company, but I never emotionally rely on them. I never feel like I need them in order to be happy. This is due to having emotionally distant parents who punished or didn’t support me whenever I showed weakness, so I was conditioned to be totally self sufficient.
I keep my emotional needs to myself and meet them myself. On one hand this means I am very low maintenance and always take/accept people where they’re at. I ask for nothing but their company, and am great at supporting others. But I don’t let them see me at my lowest, and a lot of people can’t handle not being needed by their partner. Talk to your gf and see if any of this rings true; if it’s something she wants to change, she’ll need therapy. If she doesn’t want to change, consider if you’re ok in a relationship where being aloof is just her nature.
Leave now while it is still fresh. She is waiting for something better and you are just a placeholder.
In the event she is serious, do you want children? If so by the time she get over here “issue” also known as she did not find any better than you, she will probably be too old to have them without health issues for her and the child and a LOT of money, most likely yours, being spent.
I am serious brother, leave now before you get too attached. Find someone else, preferably younger than you, especially if you want children.
TL;DR: Don’t date crazy, it is painful and expensive.
I’d call it quits. Nobody should feel confused in the beginning. The more you try to help, the more they’ll run (they’ll see it as you trying to control them)
Beginning of dating is supposed to be happiness, floating on sunshine.
6 weeks in, already talking about mental health help?
It’s too early on for a relationship to be THIS exhausting.
Wow, this is hauntingly similar to what I went through. Her age is the same as well so I admit I did wonder if she was my “ex.”
I was with an Avoidant woman for 4 months, we met on a dating app. In all honesty, for as hard as I fell for her, I wish I’d never met her.
I think you really have to ask yourself whether or not you’re comfortable being with someone who exhibits these types of tendencies, as they can be a serious trigger for someone who has anxious attachment, or even secure attachment due to the fact that you’ll never really know where you stand with them. There’s a lot of secrecy surrounding Avoidants and their failure to open up with cause even the strongest of us to create a complex. Have you met her friends and family yet?? Quite often they keep these things separate as they tend to live like Double Agents with two separate lives.
Every healthy relationship requires some degree of give an take emotionally and you have to be able to have a mature conversation with your significant other that is open, vulnerable but done so within the container of trust. A loving, contributive relationship must have this.
Avoidant people have trauma in their past and because of this they’ve fostered a distrust in people as well as emotions, so they’ve adapted by shutting down their vulnerability. It takes a serious amount of rewiring for them to get over this. In the meantime those who are in relationships with them, especially if they’re experiencing this for the first time, get taken for the ride, and it’s one heck of a ride.
With the woman I was seeing, it was great when we were together, but in those times we weren’t it was a serious hot/cold dynamic. I never truly knew where I stood, but she didn’t want to disengage from the dating app where we met, declare the relationship and meet each other’s friends and family. There’s a standard in their mind that’s almost impossible to live up to for someone with a healthy mentality around sharing their feelings. It’s been 3 months today and still so utterly heartbroken for both the loss as well as all the question marks she left me with. I miss her dearly.
I reached out to her 3 weeks ago just to see how she’s doing but she’s totally ghosted me. I’m not going to lie, it hurts in a way I’ve not experienced…and I’m 44, so I’ve seen stuff. My advice is to protect your heart and get out. I share this out of empathy for you.
Might get a lotta hate for this but you dont date them, they should be left alone to change their ways. No offense but they’re emotionally draining. I would honestly say amicably end things with her and try your best to move on. Hope all goes well!
I generally wouldn’t advise dating particularly avoidant people (I realise you don’t know enough to judge that really but she sounds like it’s already going to be too much work) because they need to work on themselves first and understand they tend to cause their relationships to fail.
It hurts to say, but avoidants need to be on their own for a while and focus on themselves. My latest ex was an avoidant; even though she told me she felt she was secure. We felt the healthiest we could feel until I started to push for commitment and without fail it shut her down each time. Emotions and communication was foreign to her.
They are very emotionally draining and it’s honestly not their fault; and you will most likely hurt them back.
Avoidants make it feel like they have no care in the world for your feelings or thoughts but truth be told they can’t even deal with their own feelings or thoughts, they often turn to running.
My ex even said she didn’t deserve me too. She was afraid of being with me at first- commitment scared her.
When an avoidant decides they’d rather go back into their feelings of safety and familiarity and remove you though from their life, it’s often pretty brutal. I attract avoidants and the two women who have said I love you eventually to me, ironically both them saying it first, broke up with me in some brutal fashion.
If you’re really interested in her, if you really think you two can work together to make something special, go for it. Just be prepared to know that it was doomed from the start. Exceptions can exist, but both people need to want that exception.
She needs to commit to going to a psychologist, maybe not to a specific one but to going she needs to now these things take time and sew but immediate fixes. If she’s not feeling good about her therapist, try others.