For context, I’m 30 and in the past few months, I went through a tough breakup, quitting my job without one lined up, and slowly nursing my back to 100% again after a scary injury. I’ve been slowly getting my social life back via meetups and hanging out with existing friends.
However, this feeling of shame about who I am as a person has crept up and I hate it. Over the past 8 years, I’ve gained 100lbs and while I still have a lot going for me, it has not felt like it at all. I hate comparing myself to others but going from feeling like I have it all together to feeling invisible to the world is hard. Thus, I feel ashamed to be myself, and it’s hitting hard today.
Have any of you felt this shame before? Is there any insight you can share about how to better manage it?
Thanks!
6 comments
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100%. my biological father was well known in our community as subhuman garbage, which he is, so I learned to grow up ashamed of my own existence.
as an adult, I seem to be hellbent on recreating that experience for myself. I recently lived in a tiny rural mountain town and dated my boss, who turned out to be abusive, manipulative, and gaslighting. I had to quit my job in the middle of the busy season to get away from her. Her ex husband is one of those guys that the local bros all worship, so literally all of the men in my town turned against me for dating her. It was my first time living in a tiny town and I didnt really get how the social politics worked until it was too late.
on top of that, I got a brain injury from recreational sports, which caused me to lose the amazing job I found after that one. I also gained a bunch of weight during the recovery.
so yeah, for the last 6 months or so, I’ve felt a lot of shame about being me on top of the lifetime of shame for being the son of my father. 0/7, don’t recommend.
I’ve spent most of the past 20 years thinking this way. I advise you to get help and talk with someone about it sooner than later, because it does not get better on it’s own.
Yes absolutely going all the way back to childhood, although I haven’t always been conscious of it. Have been doing a lot of healing the last year or so and am finally learning to love myself. It’s not easy sometimes but very worth it.
You are worth it too!
when you fall down, you know who is your friend. they dun have to help you, but at least wont further worsen your case
Isn’t it odd that people who’ve can be compassionate towards others won’t do the same for themselves. Reading your story, it’s easy for me to forgive you for the things you’re saying you’re ashamed of. I’d be willing to help if you were a friend, but I’d be friends even if you didn’t change.
It’s probably the single most powerful thing anyone can learn is the ability to withdraw permission to cause you shame. It’s probable not even your voice that you’re hearing on your head causing the shame.
I used to feel that shame, same as you, but when I was younger someone hit me with this concept of learning to remove shaming permission from people that really just sought two control me. I spent years meditating so I could catch the start of the shame reaction and say, “yes” or “no” based on MY beliefs.
At this point, all I can say is exercise some compassoin towards yourself. Everyone needs compassiom.