Hi –
Past few months my gf has been getting upset every time I make a joke about her, harmless and just poking fun – as is a big part of my sense of humour (we’re british so it’s the foundation of basically everyone’s sense of humour here). Because it’s very natural to me and how I act around my friends / family I don’t generally realise I’ve done it until it’s out my mouth, especially if alcohol is involved…
Example of one today: we were talking about work and she was saying how the industry she’s in isn’t as good as the industry I’m in etc and I did the forehead L and went ‘loser!’ while laughing with a smile before getting serious and reaffirming her etc. She got upset and started crying etc so I supported her until she got over it. Honestly I think this example is also one of the worst ones and 99% of the time my jokes are much more harmless but she still gets upset.
Part of me thinks I’m just being a knob, part of me thinks she’s so insecure that literally anything negative sets her off, and part of me thinks she starting shit out of nothing because she’s unhappy with the relationship (we’ve been arguing more than usual recently).
Thanks.
TL;DR: I poke fun at my gf sometimes in a jokey way and she gets upset about it. not sure if I’m being an idiot or she’s overly sensitive. not as if I don’t enjoy it in return.
47 comments
You’re right, you are being an idiot. Jokes at someone’s expense are only funny if the other person also thinks they’re funny. And you know that.
So if you just can’t be happy in a relationship where you don’t get to have the great pleasure of making fun of her, I guess you should break up.
No you’re definitely just being an idiot.
> Part of me thinks I’m just being a knob
listen to that part.
I dunno, man, have you tried *not* making fun of her?
There’s a time and place for everything. Sounds like, in your example, she was trying to express a serious thought and you responded by denigrating her. That was the wrong time and place for that. Be an adult, apologize for hurting her, and do your best to not do that again because healthy adults try to avoid making their partners feel bad.
It’s not harmless if it upsets her. You are being rude to someone you claim to care about, why is that? Do you just feel uncomfortable being vulnerable or when she is vulnerable?
Your gf reaction and feelings are valid and you need to change your behavior rather than look for ways to make her be fine with you verbally mistreating her. Work on growing up if you want an adult long term relationship.
>i made my girlfriend literally cry by repeatedly making fun of her, even though she’s made it clear it upsets her
that’s what you sound like
A joke is something where everyone laughs
You aren’t being nice to your girlfriend, she’s telling you this yet you have to ask the internet what it thinks? Just listen to your girlfriend, mate.
You sound annoying. And kinda rude.
“I’m an obnoxious asshole all the time even though I know it upsets my girlfriend…am I the problem or is she?”
Well most people dont like these jokes. You’re her boyfriend. Be serious. If she doesn’t like these jokes, then dont do them to her. You can joke about everything but not with everybody.
You sound mean. I hope she does better soon.
Dear Reddit, my girlfriend is hurt by my constant insults. Should I stop, or should I continue torturing her as long as I don’t completely break her spirit?
You sound like a child. Learn to respect your girlfriend or accept being dumped soon.
“I’m not an inconsiderate a hole, I’m just English” said the inconsiderate a hole.
Are they jokes if she’s not laughing? Are you just amusing yourself by being rude? Because I can’t see any other reason for continuing a behaviour that upsets your partner. Assuming she’s insecure because you’re being rude and she’s getting upset is so bizarre too.
Maybe she’s unhappy with the relationship because she’s dating someone who’d rather rationalize his own bad behaviour as cultural and her response as over sensitive. No one wants to date the mean pr*ck who refuses to believe he’s being mean.
Do you think people need to have a level of tolerance for rudeness and bad jokes? Have you consider that you’re not…funny?
Is this what you do during arguments too? Try to convince her she’s being sensitive and looking for a fight lol? Goodluck!
You know it bothers her. Is it really so difficult for you to think for like five seconds before speaking and respect her?
Making jokes at the expense of another person is never ‘harmless’, and even worse when it’s directed at someone that should be able to trust you. If hurting people for ha-ha’s is a part of your ‘humor’, you’d do well to rethink your so called sense of humor.
What kind of advice are you looking for here exactly?
Like, do you want to know if you’re being the bellend or if she’s being irrational?
How about you just, i don’t know, don’t make fun of your girlfriend?
What if, and I’m just thinking out loud, YOU FUCKING STOPPED?
>Part of me thinks I’m just being a knob
At least part of you is self aware.
I’m from the UK too, and yes while ribbing each other can be a sign of closeness in a relationship, it sounds like you’re not reading the room first. If a friend came to me and said they were having relationship issues, concerns about their ability to progress at work, or something else – I wouldn’t start by taking the piss. I’d sit and listen, offer empathy etc. Depending on the person, after offering support I might make a joke to lighten the mood but not one at their expense and not if I could tell it wouldn’t go down well. Life isn’t a channel 4 comedy where its appropriate to respond with a quick one-liner to anything. It sounds like you’re not getting your timing right and/or not reading her mood/communication right
Even though you think you’re joking, her reaction clearly demonstrates she doesn’t think it’s funny and her feelings are hurt. That is all the indication you need that you should stop speaking to her in that way. Your actions are hurting her. I’ve met plenty of people who think they’re “joking” are to everyone else come off as assholes. It’s obviously not “harmless” if you’re making her cry.
If you value a joking aspect to your relationships, it sounds like it isn’t going to work between you two. Maybe you need to break up and find somebody who shares your sense of humor.
Slow learner?
Unless both parties find humor in the comment, it’s not funny.
Please don’t speak on behalf of all British people. Some of us don’t don’t. It’s called manners. Try them sometime.
My husband is funny and has a great sense of humour. It’s one of the (many) things I love about him. But not once has he ever made a joke at my expense. Try being funny without doing that. Your gf reaction should make you realise it’s not okay. It’s not her being touchy. It’s just not okay.
Look – the reality is that you can’t joke with your girlfriend the way you can with your guy friends. That’s just not the way it works nine times out of ten.
This is especially true if the relationship feels a little fraught. It’s a lot easier to laugh at jokes about yourself from your partner when you feel great about your relationship.
But also … there’s a difference between jokes and insults. Sometimes, among groups of guy friends, they’re one in the same, but just calling someone a loser because they don’t work in a great industry is … not actually a joke. It’s just an insult.
And, again, groups of guys often do this: they insult each other playfully, and it’s fine. Women do this much less – and even fewer are okay with that coming from their partner.
This is one of my least favorite ways of “showing affection.” Maybe it works for some couples, but when I’m being made fun of everyday, even in a joking way, it really starts to affect me. I’m sure it’s great for some people, and that’s okay! But if she’s having reactions like that, and CRYING, maybe, you know, stop?
Hopefully it’s not a big deal to lessen that part of your personality.
You’re a knob.
I’m British too. Even year 7s these days don’t call people losers like you’ve described. Talk more of a 23yo. Grow up.
If the jokes are “harmless” what would be the harm in stopping them all together?
I hate when my bf teases me. I told him he stopped or keeps it very very low. So should you before you lose her
Mate, you’re not a knob for doing it the first time but if you keep doing it, despite knowing that it upsets her, then yes, you’re acting like a knob head
She told you she doesn’t like it— fucking stop.
You needed a bunch of internet strangers to tell you to stop doing something your gf has *told you* bothers her? Boy 😒
>my gf has been getting upset every time I make a joke about her
Both parties have to find it funny in order to be a joke. If she’s not laughing, then it’s not a joke, it’s bullying.
Yes. You are being annoying and rude and childish. I hope she leaves.
You’re being an absolute idiot and are soon to be without a gf
You sure can dish it out when you’re calling your girlfriend a loser while she is venting to you, but come here to vent and can’t take it right back from folks. “I’m just joking!” Is something shitty, toxic people say when they’re doing something they know isn’t kind, and want to get away from having to acknowledge that fact and that they did the thing anyways. What’s funny about calling her a loser? Poking fun at someone should make both people laugh, not just be a put down.
Are you one of those guys that damage girls and they have to do a lot of healing before they realize you were the problem all along
Baseball bat of truth time. If you know a thing upsets your partner, you should be bending over backward not to do it.
It doesn’t matter if she’s “overly sensitive”. You are *hurting someone*. The first or second time she got upset, you should have recalibrated mentally and started working on thinking before you speak. Alcohol is alcohol, but if you’re still upsetting her while sober that’s a major negative on you, my guy.
You can decide at any time that staying within where she’s comfortable is too restrictive for you. If that’s the case, you’re completely fine to break up and seek someone else who better matches you. But don’t continually do things that hurt her?! Like, good God my dude it doesn’t matter if YOU enjoy being poked at. She isn’t you.
Either commit to NOT poking fun at her while sober and limit contact while drunk, or break up with her. Continually hurting her makes you a bad person, so knock it off.
Wake up. She doesn‘t like being made fun of.
If you made jokes and she laughed and made similar jokes back to you, you’d have a good relationship.
If you make jokes and it bothers her but you keep doing it, you’re hurting her to make a funny (and you’re not very funny, from the sound of it). Knock it off.
You are indeed being a knob
OP, when someone makes a joke, the other person laughs. When someone harasses you, you usually end up crying. It’s quite simple to understand.
If your girlfriend has self-esteem issues, typically a good boyfriend would support her and help strengthen her weaknesses. If you only focus on rubbing salt in the wound, it means you have the emotional maturity of an infant and you’re not ready to have an adult relationship with anyone. Making someone cry just because “you’re joking” is worrisome, and depending on the situation, it can even border on emotional abuse.
There’s a time and place for these jokes. She was trying to talk to you about her insecurities regarding her life and career choices, and you called her a loser.
Aside from that, it wasn’t witty or adorable, so the joke itself is just mean spirited.
>Part of me thinks I’m just being a knob, part of me thinks she’s so insecure that literally anything negative sets her off, and part of me thinks she starting shit out of nothing because she’s unhappy with the relationship (we’ve been arguing more than usual recently).
1. Look, your GF clearly isn’t enjoying your “sense of humour,” she tells you you’re not really that funny, and yet, you keep telling your little jokes. You may also find that your mates don’t think you’re all that funny either…
2. She may well be sensitive about something else, something that she may not be able to talk to you about as you’re too busy making shite jokes about her. In any case, she’s clearly not finding your jokes harmless or funny.
3. Her BF won’t listen to her and keeps making insensitive jokes (as that’s just how he is!) despite what she tells him, no shit Sherlock, she’s probably unhappy with your relationship.
Keep up your banter and you may find yourself without a girlfriend.
Your jokes aren’t “harmless” if they make your girlfriend cry. If you want to salvage this relationship, you should apologize to your girlfriend and stop telling them. If you’re so convinced that she’s in the wrong that you refuse to back down, you should accept that this relationship is over. Your choice, good luck!
You’re not Roman Roy and you’re not cute or funny. You’re the belittling asshole.