I’ve dated my girlfriend for 3 years. We have a home together and a beautiful dog. Our relationship has been happy in many aspects. But one place where it’s not is my moms side of the family. Specifically my grandma and aunt and uncle. When I first introduced her to my family. My mom loved her but everyone else seemed stand offish towards her. Later they started to say rude things like “you’re disgusting” or “I’m embarrassed for him dating you” amongst other things. Unfortunately this went on for far too long and without me doing anything concrete to stop it. I instead tried to mediate it between my girlfriend and family to make everyone more comfortable. But instead it made my girlfriend feel isolated and abandoned. Like I was choosing my family over her. Which caused a big divide between us. Now after multiple attempts to fix things and to get everyone on the same page. My family was willing to move on and put things in the past. But my girlfriend feels like she has been too wronged for so long that nothing will truly change. Now she has given me a choice. Her. Or the family that mistreated her. I never wanted to be in a position like this. I never wanted to choose between my family and her. What should I do here? Do I tell my family off and leave them for good?
41 comments
Why did they start to say these rude things to her?
Honestly, you‘ve been choosing your family over her every time you didn’t stand up for her. You‘ve let them insult her – apparently one-sided – and now expect her to just forgive and forget? Did they even apologize? What makes you think they’ll stop mistreating her now? And *they‘re willing to move on*? You didn’t mention a single thing she’s done to them, so what do they need to move on from? If you love her, find your spine and cut grandma, aunt and uncle off. If you don’t, be honest and let her find someone who will have her back.
So they are willing to “put it in the past” which means nothing as they were the ones throwing out hurtful statements and you wonder why your girlfriend isn’t on board with this?
Maybe you need to clarify more, but you seem unreasonably bent on trying to keep people that treat your partner like crap in your life for no good reason at all that’s been brought forward other than “they are family”.
The fuck? Your family sounds like shit. If that’s how they behave towards someone you love ditch your family. They are terrible people.
Your gf is right, they are hating on her for literally no reason and you shouldn’t be trying to mitigate and compromise with them you should be putting your foot down. They either accept her or leave your life forever.
>Now after multiple attempts to fix things and to get everyone on the same page. My family was willing to move on and put things in the past.
I’m sorry, what does your family have to move on from and put in the past? Did your girlfriend call them disgusting? Did your girlfriend tell them how embarrassing they were? THEY are the ones who did her wrong and treated her like crap, and they – *and you* – owe her an apology. They don’t get to be jerks to your girlfriend for years and then pretend like it didn’t happen.
Why didn’t you stand up to them? Screw blood relations if they treat you or your loved ones badly. You should’ve defended your girlfriend. Apologize to her profusely and suggest just not coming round to those family members again. Or if you are intent on keep seeing them throw a huge stink with your family and let them know that if they say one more bad thing you’re cutting them off (as you should! Disrespect to your girl is disrespect to YOU).
I need you to actually explain what happened.
Did a relative of yours actually say the words ***You’re disgusting*** to your girlfriend?
When? Why? In what context? What specifically did that relative consider disgusting? What characteristic(s) of your girlfriend did they try to change?
Also, what specific attempts did you make to ‘fix this’?
Regardless of what your girlfriend decides (and I hope she decides not to continue to date someone who allowed his family to treat her that way and continued to expose her to them) you need to give some very serious thought to how your family is treating **you**. Because what they did is incredibly disrespectful.
She should have been left you. If you can’t stand up for your girlfriend how much of a man really are you? You’re behavior is pathetic and you must be a mommy’s boy for letting this behavior go on. You already didn’t choose her, you never did. I don’t understand how you would allow them to say these things to her in the first place. Some people really are just spineless cowards.
If I were your gf I would’ve left you long time ago. You’re lucky she hasn’t dumped you yet. She has every right not to want to move on from the abuse your family subjected her to.
No other person would have stayed with you and put up with this for three years. Unless you want your mom’s family to handpick your life partner then prepare to be single for the rest of your life.
Your family didn’t respect you enough to trust you choose a partner whom makes you happy.
They’re not family simply because you share blood.
Respect yourself and respect your gf.
Your mother family are disgusting and she have the rights to not want to be near any of them! What I don’t understand is why didn’t you stand up and stop their bs against her? You should not let that go so far!
Now what is the position of your mother?
If anyone in my family treated someone I cared about like that I’d literally tell them to go fuck themselves. Maybe that’s just me.
You’ve left out a huge part of the story.
Context is needed here. Why did they call her “disgusting”? Did your gf actually do something to warrant this treatment or is this like a racial thing? Either way you should have done something before now, but the context is really necessary to pick a path.
Okay…I read your previous post in order to get a better understanding of your situation. While some members of your family might be concerned about your choice. She has Social anxiety, suffers panic attacks which they probably witnessed in those family gatherings she went to. They have no right to intervene and try to make her leave you by insulting her just cause they think she is not the right fit for you. No matter how much they say they love you, ultimately it is your choice.
It is sad you have allowed this to get to the point in which your girlfriend has no other alternative but to ask you to choose between those members of the family or her. You could have done something to fix this for a long time and you know it. These things do not fix themselves. If you love this girl so much as to want to marry her. You stand by her! She is your choice, you love her and that is enough. Grandma, aunty, uncle have to accept it and although I would love for them to apologize I don’t think that will happen so my dear heart! You make your life with your girlfriend go to family gatherings which do not include those members of the family. No! They are not invited to the wedding unless they apologize to her and mean it! The support from your own mother should be enough. You have to grow up now. Sorry it is time. They will come to terms with it and be forced to like her for the sake of the family she on the other hand has every right to never want to see them.
It is your life and your girlfriend is or will be the most important part of it. Best wishes! Do the right thing, cause you love her.
Why on earth would you allow your gf to be disrespected like that?
I’m surprised she’s even giving you a chance. Man up.
Even if they’ll stop 8nsulting her to her face, she knows how they feel. They sound like horrible people. It’s not your while family, it’s these specific people. Maybe you can see them occasionally without her but she certainly should not be subjected to them.
Damn. Ok. When my mom throw shit comments out towards my wife. I would speak loud and ask her to explain.
If your uncle says your GF is disgusting your response should be. Watch your mouth about my GF. Because no one ask you and you yourself are disgusting.
Rinse and repeat. If they continue be rude and disrespectful back. Tell them to learn manners. Defend your GF. Because it pushes boundaries.
Do her a favour and leave her please she don’t need a spineless man like you and top of that your satanic family.
If you live her and want to be with her, support her. Stand up for her. Reconsider your level of contact with your family. Don’t ever ask or expect her to be around these people again.
If not, let her go!!
Either way, your family are terrible people.
If I were your gf I would take the dog and leave you and your shitty family. Hopefully she wises up
You’ve been choosing your family over her the entire time. I can’t believe she put up with that shit for three years instead of finding someone who loves her enough to defend her from toxic trash. Either choose her now or let her someone who will. Your family is disgusting btw. A bunch of bullying assholes, I can see why the choice is so tough. 🙄
I feel like there’s a lot of the story missing here.
Maybe if you had stood up for your girlfriend at the outset, and put a stop to their behavior, you wouldn’t now have to choose?
Who do you value more? Pick them.
I think your gf is right in her choice, but its your decision and happiness that counts.
> I instead tried to mediate it between my girlfriend and family to make everyone more comfortable.
Why though? Why should everyone be comfortable instead of holding the ones saying rude things accountable and telling them to knock it off or they will not get to be in your life?
>But instead it made my girlfriend feel isolated and abandoned. Like I was choosing my family over her.
I would have felt the same way because you did choose your family. Your GF was not in the wrong yet you wanted to mediate instead of squashing those who are the problem.
>My family was willing to move on and put things in the past.
No, they don’t get to be rude and bully your GF then say “let’s just put it in the past” without any accountability. That’s not how things go, that’s not how adults handle disputes. They sounds toxic.
>But my girlfriend feels like she has been too wronged for so long that nothing will truly change.
She is right. If they are not held accountable and have to make amends for what they did wrong, and instead expect your GF to just move on like it didn’t happen. Then your GF is the only one paying the price for something she didn’t even start.
Your family is toxic, you had your chance to stop them and you didn’t, you sided with her abusers. You will lose her if you don’t grow a spine and stand up to your family. Put clear boundaries and when they cross them, there are consequences till they make amends. If they constantly break boundaries, then they don’t get to be in your life.
Just become someone is family, doesn’t mean they get to abuse and bully you without consequences.
This may be uncomfortable but that’s what it takes to break generational trauma and abuse.
>I never wanted to be in a position like this. I never wanted to choose between my family and her.
Then you should have stood up for her in this past 3 years.
They are willing to move on because they were not the humiliated party, and because they understand they failed to break you two up.
You allowed your family to abuse her for so long. You shouldn’t have mediated it. You should have had your partners back and put your family in their place.. you have enabled their behaviour by agreeing to put it behind them. You haven’t respected your girlfriend feelings at all. You stood there and allowed your family to abuse her. You’re just as bad as them for allowing it to have for all this time. My heart goes out to your girlfriend. I don’t blame her at all. It’s either your abusive family or your girlfriend. She is the victim, not your evil family
Family does not behave like this. Period. If you don’t like someone’s partner, bite your tongue.
Ah your indecision has made your choice for you. She is going to leave because no one, and I do mean no one want to be with a jellyfish. You messed up by not defending her. Why would she want to stay with you. Sir with all de respect man the fuck up and be a partner. Do not let the family you came from hurt the family you create.
It feels like you’re leaving out certain things, OP.
did your family ever apologize? since they wanna pretend owning up their fuck ups isn’t worth the effort
I’ll do my best, but keep in mind, you dug yourself a deep hole when you tried to mediate. You can’t have a dialog of equals with an aunt, uncle, or grandmother, and their remarks not only prove my point – they were so outrageous as to disallow for any middle ground.
Now do what you should have done – abandon the mediator role and join Team GF. Hand the mediator role to someone Aunt, Uncle and Grandma will treat with respect. That person can exchange news and greetings, and filter out negative content. For the near term, at least, they are otherwise cut off. No direct anything. Cards and gifts? Intermediary only. Show up at your doorstep? Escort them back to their car, and tell them to their face that if it happens again, you’ll call the cops.
Meanwhile, actively cultivate the goodwill of the rest of the family. Aunt, Uncle and Grandma won’t keep their opinion of GF to themselves. They’ll shop it around, and if it doesn’t sell, that rejection, more than anything you two say or do, will give them pause.
Assure your GF that your Intermediary is all that will remain of your link to her detractors until she says otherwise, and that any step towards reconciliation will have to come from her. You must not be the one to suggest it. Such is the seriousness of their scornful remarks that, at best, reconciliation will be a very long game.
I hope your GF accepts this, cuz I have no Plan B to offer you.
Wow, being bullied and mistreated for 3 years without you doing nothing, I’m not surprised for the ultimatum
I don’t care if I get downvoted for this.
If your girlfriend is farting and burping in public then yes, she is disgusting.
Second, you mentioned her having a meltdown at FOUR different weddings. Once can be forgiven and understood; but what countermeasures, what steps did you two take for it not to happen again? For her own comfort, yours, and the one of others? Because if same thing happens repeatedly with no attempt to prevent it (like recognizing triggers and leaving the room before she gets overstimulated), and same person makes a scene at an event where she shouldn’t be the main character, then sorry, but it’s bullshit that ShE iS dOiNg It FoR yOu To SuPpOrT yOu.
Well, if you had decided that she was THE ONE, you shouldn’t have tried mediating between your family and gf; you should have straight away told them that disrespecting her was disrespecting you. And if any more insults had issued from your family, you could have cut ties with those responsible.
Is your gf the one you see yourself with for decades into the future? If the answer is yes, then you might offer to cut off your grandma, aunt, and uncle. Yes, you’ve known them all your life, but they’ve been causing problems with your gf, and they aren’t the ones that keep you warm at night. However, I would insist that your mom stays in your life, as it isn’t she that’s been causing the problems.
‘Nuff said.
Why didn’t you stick up for her in the first place
Put yourself in her shoes … would you want to be around her family if they called you disgusting etc …
You should have laid boundaries down with your family and said don’t disrespect my partner!!
Nope. It’s on you now. You should have taken a stand IMMEDIATELY when they started on her yrs ago. She’s likely traumatized at this point.
You WILL have to decide on them or her.
It sounds like you have never really stood up for her. You tried to “mediate” a situation for which there is no middle ground: People in your family insult your GF, which is just wrong, Full Stop. Instead of immediately saying “don’t talk to my GF like that!”, you dragged your feet and then tried to paper over the problem so that “everybody feels comfortable”.
Now your family is willing to move on, but have they apologized? Have they tried to make amends? It sounds like you put lipstick on this pig of a situation without actually resolving the issue. No wonder your girlfriend has had it. The fact that you seem to not recognize your own culpability here is at the root of the problem.
You can leave your family, but it doesn’t sound like you understand your own part in this. My recommendation would be for your GF to break up with you.