I need some help with this one. We’re not in the US. I’m 38f and he is 38m. We both work full time. We both have two kids from prior relationships. We don’t live together, but things are looking up for us. We both have ADHD.
To be more specific, I have a formal ASD(level1) dx, and am currently going in for assessment for ADHD-I (formerly ADD). He has an ADHD dx since early childhood and takes Ritalin for it.
I have an admin job for 3 years now and one of my tasks is helping my boss manage his schedule and meetings. He has ADHD, is extremely inspiring, creative, energetic, flexible and he lets things go easily. I have fudged up some meetings with bad planning, and he says, “mistakes happen, we’re only human – hopefully the next one goes ok!” And we reschedule the meeting like it’s no big deal. It fits my style because I’m incredibly flexible as well, I let things go easily.
My boyfriend on the other hand doesn’t let things go so easily. Lately on his mind are things like him and I not having had booked a holiday for the summer yet (it seems like other, more important things seem to always pop up?) This week I’ve been busy looking at the kids visitation schedules and trying to come up with a schedule where we have more time together. He’s willing to make some changes which is great. But this just takes a lot of time to do because all the exes have to be on board too!
In the beginning of our dating life I seemed like a good planner… but as time progresses (and as more is expected) I see I fudge up a lot.
This week a friend of his (I’ve never met him in the 3 years I know my bf) is celebrating a birthday and I forgot to arrange a babysitter. None of our usual sitters are available unfortunately and I’ve looked online and have found some nice ladies that are available this weekend but charge as much as it would cost me to fly to a neighbouring country and fly back again. Absurd.
So I’m not sure if I can join in. And my bf understands but was kinda mad about it too. Yes I had been reminded several times. I’m hopeless.
He says that I am better in planning than he is. So that it’s weird that I seem to be so bad at it. Now this comment got to me: He says evolution wise it’s not smart of two people to be together if they are both so bad at planning. As if people always need to compliment each other.
I feel like life is hard enough without all the extra planning of vacation, outings, trips and vacation. I feel like I’m missing something obvious. Maybe an outsider can help put this in perspective? How can I make my dating life less stressful? Advice? Sympathy? Help please?
TL:DR my bf and I both have ADHD and planning issues. He is doubting our compatibility. What am I doing wrong and what am I missing here? Advice needed pls.
5 comments
Apologies for the mini-rant for a moment… but this is the primary reason that I am not in a relationship right now. ARGH! Somewhere along the lines, a lot of men have seemingly gotten a memo saying that a woman’s job in a relationship is to be a mom, a friend, a career woman, a sex goddess, a fashionista, a cook, a maid and a social convener. And if you aren’t doing all of the things to be on top of ALL of that all the time (or god forbid you should gain 10 lbs), you are somehow a failure as a woman. Stuff that nonsense.
He needs to be stripped of the illusion that this is somehow your sole responsibility. He is just as capable (and responsible!) to pick up the phone and call a sitter or book a holiday. It’s not a magical task that requires a vagina.
As your partner (NOT your boss!) who is supposed to be working WITH you to build the life you both want – his options are EITHER to delegate the task to you if you are open to it (but then he gets what he gets) – OR to do it himself. He doesn’t get to sit on his perch of entitlement, tell you that you failed and question your worth.
Perhaps YOU should tell him that he’s not compatible with YOU because of his laziness and lack of responsibility.
Ok – rant over. Lol!
But – not to let you off the hook completely – I’m pretty sure I am undiagnosed ADHD as well – but I can tell you that when something is SUPER important to me or critical, I’m on it immediately. I think a little introspection would be appropriate. Was that bday really important to you (you said you never met the guy)…. is booking a holiday on the top of your list? I will perhaps throw out the notion that maybe you are not prioritizing things that are important to your partner as much as you are your own things. Perhaps that’s something to reflect on and try to improve on (we are all always in a constant state of self-improvement).
But the idea that it was somehow your responsibility?! I would be yeeting that HARD into the sun!
My partner of 9 years has ADHD. I have adjusted to it and I am a planner/patient type, so it’s rarely an issue. But, there are times when it is frustrating to have to remind your partner or to suffer consequences for something simple that was missed.
On the one hand, your partner should understand you well since he’s rowing in the same (or at least a similar) boat. On the other, some part of him may be wishing that he had a neurotypical person supporting him, which is why he’s casting it as you’re the better planner.
You two need to sit down and decide together if you’re willing to accept your limitations and the consequences that may flow from them; to support each other through the slip ups and forgive.
You don’t mention what medications or steps you’re taking to address your condition. For my partner, its night and day different when she’s on the proper meds (which have to be adjusted from time to time).
It will come down to whether you both want to do this together or not. You should be eyes wide open as to what that will entail and as long as both of you are trying your best, that’s all you can ask.
So he’s pissed he doesn’t have a planner wife to take advantage of?
Why didn’t he book a sitter for the party he wanted to attend? Why hasn’t he looked at the schedule for a holiday?
Do you not see how ridiculous it is that he believes both:
1) you are a better planner than him
AND
2) it’s your fault for not planning better?
Tell him to stop being sexist and that if he wants something planned he can plan it himself.
The obvious thing is, why was it on you to book the babysitter and not him?
The other thing is that he needs to show some forgiveness and grace given everyone makes mistakes, especially when they have ADHD.