I (f34) and husband (m34)have been together 14 years. Married for 13. We’ve been through some extreme highs and lows in our marriage and had been doing exceptionally well the last few years but this year something… changed. I’ve become extremely sensitive. For context, I started a new, well paying job which I love but the drive is more than I’ve ever had for a job and gets me a little on edge by the time I come home. Due to this change in my work schedule, husband changed his work schedule to fit our kids schedule and goes in to work extremely early shifts. So he’s basically a zombie due to lack of sleep (weight gain=snoring which has weighed down on both our sleep patterns, not to mention extremely early morning shifts)
The last 3-ish months I’ve been very sensitive though. More than usual. Now, by nature I’m the type to over analyze what is said to me and overthink things, but it’s never been this bad. We have upsetting conversations at least 6/7 days of the week (I call them upsetting conversations because we don’t argue and don’t raise our voice, just talk albeit in an unpleasant tone and express why we’re upset. And we always do it in another room away from our kids) I can’t quite pin it down to why though. Only thing I can pin it down to is my stress at work, and his awful sleep.
Here’s an example of a recent upsetting convo we had earlier this week: I made a very fragrant meal for dinner and was hoping he’d notice and say something when he got home. After a while I asked him if he noticed and to my surprise he said he noticed the moment he walked through the door. I asked him why he didn’t say anything and he said lately food just doesn’t bring him joy like it used to. I of course took it very personal and even cried. He’s always loved food, so why doesn’t he love mine? (I immediately got jealous realizing whenever we go to my in laws home he devours whatever there is to eat). Today we still had left overs from that meal and told him I saved him a plate to which he said he wasn’t feeling like having any left overs again (I’ll admit, I cooked too much of it). I again took it personal and almost cried, but I didn’t wanna have two crying sessions over food, of all things, in one week. In retrospect, I was very sensitive about it, and I think maybe he could be more gentle with his words? I don’t know but that’s just one example of the types of meaningless arguments/conversations we’ve had lately. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for us in two weeks, but I’d like some input on what we can do in the meantime. I want to stop being so sensitive and genuinely feel hurt all the time.
For reference I’m desperately looking for a closer job in my field, and have sent a few applications out so hopefully it’ll take care of that stress factor and thus help him be able to also get a better work schedule.
I guess another question I have is, has anyone else ever gone through periods where they feel like they just argue with their spouse a lot? Or have unpleasant convos? Does it get better? What helped? Thank you.
Tl;dr I’m very sensitive lately toward my husband and I don’t know why
2 comments
I think you already know the answer. You guys are both extremely exhausted. Your husband and you changed your routines and now you have stumble into a big wall of stress and complicated things. Relationships itself are stressful and requiere of a lot of time and patient, so adding the work of carting a marriage, kids, stressful jobs and a big change in the routine can lead to disaster sometimes. Also, I can guess that because of the tiredness you haven’t been able to make time for your relationship. I think that once you can get used to the new routine and work a little time for you guys and rest things will be better. I think that after 14 years together everything will be ok!
Lots of love and luck!!
Stress levels have increased and you two are bickering at each other. We sometimes do this to each other, forgetting to be kind and supportive.
A few things come to mind and all of this below is for both of you.
**One**, we fall into a trap of arguing to win, which means we must make our spouse lose. Instead of winning and losing, we need to learn to collaborate on what’s best for us.
**Two**, we don’t truly listen in arguments either. Instead of learning, understanding and absorbing, our brain is preoccupied with formulating the next volley back in a “yeah but…” statement. There is a technique called ‘Active Listening’ that can make a jedi listener out of anyone. And we both need to be open to the fact that what our partner is telling us about how they feel matters. And what we’re doing (or not doing) may indeed be counter-productive.
**Three**, it’s known at work and at home that [arguments don’t work anyway](https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless.html). Arguments solidify positions and the “loser” ends up feeling resentment, not change.
Also, **yelling** doesn’t work in arguments either, so why do we get **louder**?
Another thing we do in arguments is stray from the original disagreement and start piling in other things, expanding the argument to more and more things we’re yelling about. In her fantastic TED Talk, [Fawn Weaver makes an interesting point about how we leave behind the original emotion](https://youtu.be/2yXBFo46aRs) that started the argument, and layer on other emotions and other issues in these arguments, which only makes things worse. In other words, in a heated argument we start yelling harsh things that have nothing to do with the original disagreement, so now the argument has expanded to multiple topics that shouldn’t have been brought in. So now we have multiple things going on. Ms. Weaver says to stay focused on that original emotion that we felt and discuss only that.
This is a time to learn new skills that can help you for a lifetime. So to help you two, we have several good articles and videos for both of you to read, watch and learn from in this section of this sub’s wiki:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_communication.2C_arguing.2C_fighting_fair_and_stress
(*note: the link may not work properly in the mobile app–scroll down to the section if so*)
Marriage counselors teach couples these same skills.
How long is this commute?