M30 – I’m so painfully ashamed/embarrassed about all things sexual and I have no idea what to do about it

28 comments

1. [removed]

2. Honestly bro (and I’ve had one for years) my suggestion is getting a counselor to help you work through it. You might have some layers that need peeling before you start to find the comfort with yourself and confidence you want. There is no shame in reaching out for help, you just did. Pretty big step posting you should be proud. Best wishes dude and remember little steps still get you there and are easier to take.

3. I just want to say you’re not alone. I totally understand how much that messes with your head. I’m 31 and grew up in the same environment and culture. I’m still struggling with it all and have also been to therapy. I’ve come a long way, but I still have an immediate reaction when sex comes up. It’s usually anxiety, avoidance, or just freezing up. I just want to feel like I’m not broken and I’m terrified that I’ll never get past it all. But I keep trying because that’s all I can do. Hang in there

4. I have a person I hook up with who sounds a lot like you. I just take my time with him and have no expectations, just to get him used to touch and find what he really likes. There are women out there who are understanding, or maybe I’m just a freak of nature 🤷‍♀️ but don’t give up hope yet ❤️

5. Dude. I’m sorry. I feel you. It is so hard to try to come to terms with the past. You need to just concentrate on the future. Pick a day for rebirth and live your life you want moving forward! You deserve to feel good about yourself, your general life, and your sex life.

6. You are *not* a gross, disgusting, broken piece of shit person. You are a person who grew up in an environment that aggressively trained you to believe with every fiber of your being that sex is a repulsive act unless, I’m assuming, between a man and a woman, in a certain style, and for procreation.

   It takes *time* to work through that. It takes *time* to figure out what is how *you* feel and what was purity culture idiocy beaten into your brain throughout the entirety of your youth. It takes time to determine what sexual acts are right for you and which aren’t. It takes time to train your body into not responding in fear/guilt/disgust when it comes to sexual acts–solo or with another person.

   You aren’t broken. You aren’t gross. You aren’t disgusting. You’re *growing*. Let yourself grow, give yourself the grace you need to accept that things were done *to you* by people who probably had their own struggles and didn’t know any better themselves.

   Also, as others have suggested, therapy. Don’t look for a sex therapist, look for a sex-positive therapist. During the intake, as them about their approach to this topic, what you think the problem is, what they think your goals should be. If their answer makes you feel like a bad person, they are not the therapist for you.

   I don’t know if you are a reader, but I love books. Finding books about sexuality, exploring sexuality, coming to terms with sexuality… I think those would be good for you.

7. I would recommend therapy, get advice from someone who is going to be objective, and most likely smarter than a reddit page

8. I can totally relate. I’ve tired experimenting with toys but I get so tense that everything just ends up painful so I still flick the bean with my fingers like a caveman smh.

   At my old apartment one of my neighbors had sex with the window open so I could hear it from my unit.. I slept with fans running for MONTHS after that out of fear of hearing it again. I can’t even watch kissing on a show or movie. I end up skipping it.

   I’ve had people make comments about how innocent I am (my attitude toward sex and just my everyday personality) and it’s like…. no I’m just fucking traumatized😭

9. This is not uncommon, so you are not alone with these feelings, and it will get better, but it takes time. Seeking therapy is a good way forward.

   Do not let these feelings consume you. Life has other riches; enjoy them.

   Don’t be thinking about sex when you meet a woman, even if it’s a previous partner. Make the date about making them happy. Sex will just evolve.

10. I am so sorry! Sexuality is the most beautiful part of being human, it is one of our greatest gifts! I pray you have the ability to see your sexuality as such through therapy. Self love (masterbation) is healthy and a way to honor yourself, I wish you well and am sorry you are going through this

11. I suggest reading the book “The Mountain is You”…..

    It is AMAZING!! My favorite read and it’s an easy fast read. It talks about every aspect of life, more specifically self sabotage. How we can learn to stop doing that to ourselves and learn to live as we should.

    I recommend it to everyone and I am buying it for a few people. I use it all the time as a reminder for myself and others.

    It literally talks about everything in life, shame, overcoming it, etc.

    I wish it was a book that is mandatory for everyone to read in school. I just love it. I am 37F (omg I thought I was 36! Shit)

    And this book has been helping me through the last 1.5yrs that has been painfully traumatic for me.

    You got this!!! One minute at a time!!

    All those controlling self sabotaging ideas that are in your head are Only intrusive thoughts. That’s it.

    You have Nothing to be ashamed of at all. Tell those thoughts to fuck off!

12. Maybe you can find a group of similar people and talk with each other.

13. Listen, I say this as a 29 year old Christian who’s waiting till marriage. Sex is a wonderful, exhilarating God-given and sacred act. Never be ashamed of being a sexual creature, you were designed that way!

    What’s key is that we express that part of ourselves in alignment with the greatest commandments. Love God and love our neighbour.

    If you find a woman attractive, that’s good and honest. Compliment her! If you find a wife, that’s an enormous blessing, rock her world!

14. Not alone. I’m having some troubles figuring stuff out too. Not sure if I was affected by a more conservative ideology, or if I did this to myself accidentally… it’s weird.

    Hope it gets better. Get into therapy if you can, and expose yourself to as many situations where you need to challenge this (within reason of course!!!).

15. You need to remember that organized religion was created by man to control people. Shit was crazy back then and they needed to get people to be more civil. Since then, that control and power have morphed into all the different crazy religions.

    Humans are born with all the necessary traits to survive. One of those traits is sex. It’s completely normal, and necessary for our survival as a whole. What you’re feeling is your body’s natural inclination. Your not dirty or unpure. You’re not a sinner or a bad person. God or whatever made us gave you that inclination. Your extreme religious background is going against exactly what you are.

    You may need some therapy too. Being indoctrinated into an extreme religious upbringing will be hard to break especially if you’re still around that family and they’re influencing you.

16. Maybe check out Fetlife? Lots of resources and lots of ways to desensitize, meet people, have conversations, and let those shoulders relax

17. I can’t say enough how much I relate. I’ve recently found some help in posting about it, like you’ve done here. Talk about your sex life with people who are both in the same boat and not. This has helped me tremendously because it’s helped me see that people don’t see sex as a sin. That’s because sex is NOT a sin. But it really helps to see other people know that, too.

18. My dude, shame is SO much more intense than anyone gives it credit for.

    I’ve been struggling with shame for years now and shame around your sexuality bleeds into every aspect of your life (whether you’re conscious of it or not). It is absolutely suffocating and the most frustrating thing about it is that you can often see the happiness you would have without the shame but the shame makes it near impossible to reach out and grab it.

    If you’re willing to do some work on your own, there’s a book called the Gifts of Imperfection, that talks about how shame can be overcome (hint: It’s with authentic human vulnerability) but I’d recommend seeing a counsellor too if you can.

    A counsellor can put forth the right question at the right time that can break of out of a thought loop you’ve been trapped in for years.

    I wish you well! You deserve to feel okay as yourself.

19. You just gotta jizz the Holy Spirit right outta ya!

    But kinda seriously. I had sexual hang ups from purity culture AND living in a hospital until I was 18… and I just kinda jumped in. My first time with a guy wasn’t special. Do I wish it had been? Yes. Do I think about it often and regret and is that regret a big deal in my life? No. Bodies are made to do weird things and smush together is one of those. Try smushing together if you feel like you can find someone. Is it part of it that you’re not sure how to do that part either? I promise that when you do end up meeting – on the 3rd or 23rd time – someone special who it excites you in a different way to smush bodies with, you’ll get it more completely and it could never feel wrong. As far as what to do in that interim part… you’re still pretty young, give yourself permission to be inexperienced. Find someone who you at least feel comfortable with and be honest with them. Make sure you’re into girls, don’t just assume, and make sure you’re not into guys, don’t just assume – I’ll save you some time there.

20. Listen to Joe Rogan podcast, the protect our parks episodes. Or watch South Park. Humor can really help with this stuff. Every single person ESPECIALLY religious folks have sex drives, the only weird thing is the fact anyone has told you it’s bad. We’re all doing the same thing. Trying to get that nut, butt, front cut… you get it. There’s 2 kinds of people on this earth people who masterbate and people who lie about masterbateing.

21. You’re evidently gettin closer to what you want. It’s all a matter of staying true to you. For the best sexual experiences limit porn/masturbation and prioritize and incentives human to human interaction regardless of gender, age or sexuality.

22. That’s such a heartbreaking situation you find yourself in, OP. I really feel for you. I’m so sorry.

    FWIW it sounds to me like the issues are (understandably) so deep-rooted that some kind of therapy would be your best bet.

23. Hey dude, purity culture and Christian evangelical fundy survivor here. I’m 34 years old and have spent years entrenched in what you are currently experiencing. Honestly I can’t say that it ever goes away completely but there are ways you can move past it and forward in your life. For me one of the big factors I had was realizing how the amount shame and guilt that I was carrying in my life was so bad that it was making me so depressed and effecting other parts of my life in a negative. One day I just told myself that if I look at porn, it masturbate I’m just not going to beat my self up about it and move on.

    Years later after I’ve deconstructed and left that entire believe system it’s become easier to say. “I’m a sexual being, who likes sexual things and I don’t need to feel bad about it”. I still feel shame and guilt sometimes but the power they have over me is far less then it used to be. Be prepared to potentially lose some friendships or relationships over it because when it comes to sex/sexuality/porn/masturbation, a lot of people can’t accept that your just ok with this part of yourself. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and she is still a Christian and it’s caused huge strain on our marriage. Can’t say that I know the answer or the outcome of that yet, but all I know is that learning to be ok with who you are and accepting is part of the process and takes time.

    One other thing I try to remind myself is that life is short and that there will always be some upset or disagree with my life choices. But I fucking love sex and sexual things. Why would I spend the rest of my life feeling shitty because some fundamentalists think I should do it a certain way. Fuck that. Sex is about the most human thing any of us can do and it’s ultra fun. Life is short and we don’t know how much time is left. Go out and enjoy it

24. My dude, I was very sad to see that the top comment was not:

    **You need to be seeing a sex-positive therapist to help you process the trauma you grew up with.**

    I’m so sorry for you having to deal with that. The only real advice I can give is basically exposure therapy – talk about it, do it, masturbate, etc.

25. Therapy is indeed the answer, but I would specifically recommend EMDR if you can afford it (insurance typically doesn’t cover it). While it’s aimed at treating PTSD, being steeped in purity culture to that extent could be seen as a form of C-PTSD. At least, my practitioner had a broad view of “trauma” and it was able to help me overcome some deeply-embedded beliefs. It’s worth looking into.

26. Hey friend! First off, I just want to say that it’s completely normal and understandable to have hangups like this about sex. Religious organizations are unfortunately extremely good at creating an ugly shameful view of all things sex and sex-related. And in that sense, you are not broken. You are already normal, as-is.
    That being said, this is a long journey to go on in order to un-learn all the shit they taught you in Sunday school. This won’t be an overnight thing. But it IS possible, and it IS worth it. This book is more directed towards women, but it still goes in depth about sexual shame and moving towards living with confidence and joy inside your body (your body, including your sexual organs and functions!) the book is called Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. [Here’s a link to take a look at it](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/come-as-you-are-the-surprising-new-science-that-will-transform-your-sex-life/9180134/#isbn=1982165316)

27. It sounds like you need some therapy. And you also need to face your fears head on. You need to do the things that scare you so much that eventually doing them won’t be a big deal.

28. Yeah man, I too am tired of having negative thoughts live in my head rent-free. I’ve found the most helpful thing is to realize that it’s happening and decide that its not something I want. Kinda helps redirect my thoughts to a better place.