So as I get older Ive come to realization that my Mom has at least some form of narcism (i hate using the word because i feel like its overused). She’s made same bad decisions in her life. Most notably with relationships. She’s on her 3rd marriage and on the verge of divorce. Im the child from the first marriage. I give this back story to say that she’s not happy in general. She complains all the time about my stepdad, work, and other relatives. She does most of the typical narcissistic mother stuff. Im tired of it. I have a family and my own problems. My mom help ease my mind not add stress to it. Ive come to the conclusion that while i love her, I wouldn’t want to be around her if not for her being my mom. I live 20mins away from her so i usually bring the kiddo over once a week but i think its better i slowly get away from it. I feel bad because as a man the common notion is we should love and adore our moms….i mean…You only get one, right? But the shit gets stressful Im debating moving farther away which would seems drastic af. lol I try laughing it off but geez. Any of you deal with this? Is there any advice on how to handle. How to keep the relationship healthy?
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Don’t like her or love her. I tolerate her.
TL;DR use the over-use of the term narcissist to discover what you’re dealing with and accept that she is unlikely to change.
While I (M55) agree that the term narcissist is over-used, it can lead you to discover ways to deal with a person in your life that clearly doesn’t operate with guidelines that most understand. Outwardly, my mother seems like a really nice lady, it was the subtle pattern of guilt, criticism, and disapproval that shaped my insecurities. While it may not be in the DSM-5, my mother shows the tendencies widely defined as Covert Narcissism. I don’t really care if it’s not a real diagnosis, I care that she exhibits a range of personality traits that are unlikely to change, and that I can find tips from professionals and plain ol’ people on how to deal with her. It helps me get less frustrated by her.
Having said that, keep reading the medical and non-medical descriptions of narcissists until you find a pattern that describes her, just to better understand what you’re up against. Your mother seems more like my ex, so I’m actually trying to help my son, 21, and daughter, 19 navigate life with a mother like you describe. Is your father available as a resource? She put him through similar trauma, so he may be emotionally unavailable even if he’s physically in your life.
Set clear boundaries on your time and stick to them. “I’ll be over from 2:00 to 4:00 on Saturday” kind of thing.
I’ve also found the phrase “let’s talk about something else” very helpful. When questioned, you can say “I’m having a really nice time with you and I don’t want to spoil it with negative things”. No deviation either, you have to repeat that until the topic changes. Any attempt to explain further will result in unproductive arguing.
I like my mom a lot more when I stick to these.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll never have a healthy relationship with my mom, at least not in the traditional sense. That’s going to be impossible unless she decides to get in therapy to work on her issues, but that would require her to acknowledge her issues first. I can’t control any of that. So I focus on trying to cultivate some amount of compassion for her while maintaining strong healthy boundaries and working to heal myself from a dysfunctional childhood.
Based on your post might be find you relate to those of us in r/adultchildren. ACA has been nothing short of life changing for me. Regardless, I hope you find some peace with the situation!
After my father passed away, all the mental issues my mother had held in check (or that my father had at least ameliorated) went wild. Lying, manipulation, narcissistic tendencies, abandonment issues… just a whole ball of crazy that stemmed from her never having acted like an adult in her entire life.
Two incidents brought it all to a head. Due to some relocation needs, we ultimately ended up moving about two hours away. My mother insisted we make time to visit her, so we would try, but my mother refused to visit us, blaming it on the distance. Lo and behold, during my last visit to her house, she announced she’d driven past my house to go to a concert by complaining about the traffic. I told her if she’d bothered to show any interest in visiting my house, I could have helped her get around all that, and since then, I’ve not set foot in her home, but at the time maintained contact.
Following the 2020 election, after she prominently declared that “we’d all be sorry” for voting the way we did, I cut off all communication. She tried to push it by saying I needed to be open to different opinions (even though she herself refused to be open to actual fucking facts) but I told her I’d had enough.
All that is to say you can’t choose your family, but you can choose how much they’re in your lives.