How do you appropriately end a friendship when the other person never understands what they do/say wrong? Have you ever felt so upset by something, you are just ‘done’? Not angry or mad, but done?
I’ve had this friend for about 7 years. We grew increasingly close to the point we’d talk everyday and be each other’s number 1 person. Throughout our friendship, there have been hiccups. Some were my fault, for sure. However, a lot of fights often stemmed from her outrageously getting mad at me about stuff. For example, when I was taking care of my father after being in the hospital, he fell and I had to quickly help him. I had been in a conversation with her via text and I left her hanging for an hour or so while I helped my dad and called the ambulance. Another time, she got upset at me because I couldn’t give her the proper attention (text convo) after a 12 hour shift! The biggest fight we ever had was I texted her “good day! Love ya, Girl!” while she was in a job interview and her phone buzzed. I had no idea she was in an interview. However, she got so mad at me, she randomly gave me the cold shoulder and didn’t talk to me for a week. When I tried to reach out to talk to her about the issue, she sent me the nastiest message; constantly calling me selfish, rude, self-entitled, and so on. Most of our issues, however, often stem from me trying to express my feelings about stuff she’s said.
This is the most recent issue in which I’ve just become done and have not talked to her since. I’m a single woman, recently graduated, and building a career. I don’t do well in romantic relationships and much prefer being single. However, motherhood is something I keep considering. I love children! However, the male component in having one…not so much. I’m also not fond in going through the pregnancy process myself. I’ve been considering adoption and have been researching agencies, building stability, talking to my family, and organizing my finances. Basically creating a 5 year plan! I told my friend and she basically brought up statistics, saying how I was set up to fail as a single mom and how me adopting would be the worst decision ever. Essentially, the child I adopt would not have a good chance at life because they wouldn’t have male figure. She brought up my “dating habits” as if I sleep around. I do not, by the way. Do I go out and date? Yes, I’m a 30 year old woman. She brought my family up; divorced parents, working class, BPD mother. She thinks she is better than me because she comes from a middle class, perfect family and is engaged to a man that is buying her a house and allowing her to be a stay at home mom. This man she is engaged to, by the way, was a gentleman I had a short fling with 6 years ago for 6 months. I don’t care that they are together, I rather the people in my life are happy. Also, I have absolutely no feelings or interests in this man. We were not compatible and I honestly thought him to be strange. I just think it is so weird she likes to brag in my face about all that he is giving her and their perfect future.
Just so much is coming to light for me, and it makes me believe this friendship is just a joke.
TL;DR: My good friend of 7 years repeatedly says things she thinks are okay, but is hurtful. When I confront her, she never takes accountability and turns it on me. This time she blatantly said I should not adopt because as a single mother, I would not succeed in giving a child a good life. Also, made comments about my lifestyle and background(divorced parents, working class).
8 comments
You can end a friendship. You do not need the other person to understand. You can simply be done. Continue to not contact her. If she reaches out to you, you can let her know you aren’t comfortable talking to her any more. You do not owe her an explanation, and you certainly do not owe her one she can understand. If she no longer fits in your life, you can cut her out of it.
And yes, I have been done with a friend. Several years of good friendship, but then I had to cut the friend out of my life. It was unfortunate, but I just was not going to keep someone in my life who was looking down on me and scolding me for things that I was happy about and thought were good in my life. Not quite the same as your situation, but it definitely had some things in common.
This person was never a good friend. When she was calling you selfish and entitled she was talking about herself. Sometimes people gradually reveal themselves. While this situation is unfortunate, she has done you a solid by showing her true colors.
You can end it however you like. You could explain it to her, but I’m not sure that would accomplish much. She clearly puts herself on a pedestal and wouldn’t take criticism seriously. Or just stop talking to her. She’s not entitled to an explanation.
Anyone who acts so callously when you’re sharing your dreams is not a friend.
>How do you appropriately end a friendship when the other person never understands what they do/say wrong?
You just drift away. You’ve already tried to explain why her behavior is fucked up and she doesn’t care. Just stop talking to her.
She sounds immature and toxic. Set boundaries or that toxicity may rub off on you when you aren’t looking. Keep moving forward, it’s your life not hers
Like another commenter here said, you can just end it. You’ve made a choice: just make that choice clear, communicate it, and move on. She doesn’t have to agree or be okay with it. I’ve been there too.
“After all this, this friendship is over for me. I don’t want to discuss it. Please respect that.”
You can leave space for a future reconciliation if you want, like “If you ever understand the impact your comments have and are ready to apologize for them, my door is always open.” Or not. Given her reactions previously, she might try to fight you about it or try to change your mind or say why the thing(s) she did were actually fine— it doesn’t matter. If you’re done, you can stand your ground and say “I don’t want to discuss it. I’ve made my decision, please respect it.”
Doesn’t matter how long she’s been in your life; if someone does something hurtful, they face the consequences for it. Unfortunately in this case, the consequences are that she loses you as a friend.
Just don’t reach out to her. Tell her why if she contacts you.
She’s an idiot. People from bad backgrounds can be great parents because they know what they don’t want for their children. And anyone can be a bad parent doesn’t matter what background they have.
This woman does not take any responsibility for her behaviour.
She was in an interview for employment. Reasonable people would have turned their phone off.
As someone with bpd, she’s honestly sounds like she could have that. There’s something causing emotionally irregularity there. I would text her something along the lines of ‘I didn’t want to do this through text but I also know if I did this in person it would turn into a big fight. I can no longer take your overreaction to little things and blowing up on me. You have made me feel bad numerous times, most recently by saying I would be a bad mother. This is not something a friend would say. It is not good for my mental well being so I will be ending our friendship and going no contact. Im sorry it came to this but I feel at this point I have to put myself first.’ ‘
I would also go no contact and block her completely right after so you don’t get drawn into a drawn out arguement