Background: married for a decade. He gets me a bouquet for my birthday nearly every year because he thinks that’s what ladies like. I’ve told him repeatedly over the years that I don’t like expensive bouquets (anything above $50) because they are a ripoff, please don’t buy it for me again.
Please don’t blast me for being unappreciative. Being of average income, I’ve always been a practical person. Life is getting expensive and I would rather have cash in the bank as we still have kids to provide for.
I was thinking that perhaps I was too polite the previous years with “thanks, but please don’t get me a bouquet again, I don’t want it”
So this time I decided to be more blunt and just said “I don’t like it.”
It’s a $100 bouquet and he bought another one for his mum for Mother’s Day because the florist was asking him, “how about one more for Mother’s Day?” And well, he couldn’t say no.
Anyway he seems mad at me and I don’t know what to do.
28 comments
TBH, have him read your post.
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I so agree with you, and i’m a florist! a bunch of flowers fine, but when the money is equal to other things that I need and can’t afford to buy myself, it just feels like a waste, and if you have told him this before then buying you flowers is a slap in the face, ignoring your opinion about a gift for you?! Get out of here!
Maybe “I don’t like flowers as a gift” would have been maybe a bit softer? As in you like gifts and being thought of but you don’t want flowers.
On the other hand you have told him multiple times not to spend that money on flowers. Maybe give him ideas about what to get next time instead.
Maybe you can give a little more info and explanation rather than being blunt.
If this is what you actually said before: “thanks, but please don’t get me a bouquet again, I don’t want it” that is actually still quite blunt to me. I’d say something more like ‘Thank you for always thinking of me and buying me flowers as gifts. I feel that the bouquets are too expensive and there are alternatives. Can we set a budget of $10 for gifts? I’d really appreciate chocolate/wine/soap/whatever’ – I think giving a budget and alternative gift would really help.
It’s not really helpful, but I totally understand where you’re coming from. Honestly, I hate that you had to ask people not to call you unappreciative gift. Presumably you don’t by him a new power drill every time it’s birthday or Father’s Day. Who cares what ‘ladies’ like, you’re an entire nuanced person. Repeated thoughtless gifts from someone who should know better (and who has ignored feedback) *is* frustrating – that doesn’t make you unappreciative.
I’m not sure how you can get him to hear you, but I sympathise.
As a man, I totally understand where you are coming from. Perhaps he doesn’t know what you would like as a gift. Do you guys talk about somethings? Sometimes after many years of marriage and togetherness, I guess it can be hard to get gifts for each other. And guys can be very predictable at times.
$200 on flowers is a lot especially when you can spend $50 and they look fine.
I wonder if he likes it, and that’s why he continues to buy it?
If you don’t think it’s that, and his feelings are hurt, maybe lay out which holidays you guys will and won’t exchange gifts for in the future? Or tell him a different go-to you’ll enjoy… like, I don’t want flowers, but I’ll always take a sushi lunch!
Some of these other commentators suck, OP. It’s your birthday, a day to celebrate you, and he is being lazy and not listening to your very reasonable requests. I’d be mad and blunt too, especially if it’s a repeat problem. You should look forward to your birthday, gifts included, and your SO should be someone who makes the most effort for you on your special day. I don’t think you’re being unappreciative, but I do think a bigger and bluntly honest conversation in advance of your next birthday might help the situation.
Is it the only time he ignored your opinion in a relationship? Does this anger happen often?
Just tell him what you want instead.
I mean, he SHOULD be observing things better. Has he not noticed that some things make your clothes fall off and other things don’t work so well? I mean, it’s like any tool: This wrench doesn’t work….but this other screwdriver is GREAT!!!!! Wooo Hooo!!!!
I tell my husband to get me a plant like an orchid. That doesn’t solve the money in the bank problem, but at least then you get to enjoy them for a long time and my husband likes shopping for them and feels like he’s treating me which he is and I think your husbands heart is in the right place. I would focus on that and direct him towards a better purchase for you.
I had this conversation with my husband when we were first dating, and I explained to him that while the thought is nice, I’d rather he save his money and not spend it on something that’s going to die in a few days.
Maybe try talking to him and apologizing for your bluntness and telling him that you do appreciate the thought behind it, and explain your thought process to him just like you did here – that the cost of everything is rising right now and you’d rather he save his money than spend it on an extravagant bouquet that will only last a short time.
My husband doesn’t do subtle hints – they just go over his head lol. I’ve learned that I have to be direct, and that it also helps if I explain the “why” behind it as well so that he understands where I’m coming from.
His anger is unfair and inappropriate but sounds like it’s coming from a place if not knowing what else to do. Not that it’s your responsibility to figure this out for him, but it may land easier if you say “I’m not a big flower person, but if you want to do something special for me, [insert activity or item] would mean a lot more to me.”
You could include low or no cost things like him making you breakfast or giving you a massage, or a kid-free day to yourself or writing you a card. Or even a house plant, which is usually cheaper and more enduring than flowers.
Most of these things take more effort and time on his part, so it may be an adjustment. Flowers are expensive, but easy. I am totally with you on not liking flowers as a woman. Not only is it a lot of money for something that will be thrown out in a week, I hate phase when they’re not quite dead but also aren’t really fresh and lively, either. I think it’s more than fair to tell your partner to stop spending money on something you don’t want or enjoy.
Happy birthday! My gift to you is a reading recommendation! (Exciting, I know). The book talks about ways people show and receive live. Some women describe the prefect man as someone who brings them flowers every week!! And that’s okay for them, that’s not you. Maybe for you, a date night with him and some quality alone time with him would have meant more than silly flowers. Problems arise when couples love languages don’t match, both show love in ways the other doesn’t recognize.
Or he’s lazy and he’s mad cause you called him out on lack of effort. Go make an Amazon wish list, make it private but give him access. Keep it stocked with stuff you want but can’t justify (mine has stuff like new lamps, boots, area rug, floor matts for my car). Tell him no more flowers, he has a list. IF he continues to get flowers for you, then on his birthday give him the lamps from your list…. you aren’t the only who will be getting gifts they don’t want!
Maybe say what you *do* like ?
I threw at my husband ground rules for flowers. I don’t mind him buying me flowers, but if he ever brought them home as an “I’m sorry” gift I would throw them in the trash.
Flowers are a nice gift, but I don’t want them associated with anything negative. I was pretty blunt about it early on.
My problem now is that he kept buying my jewelry. *Expensive* jewelry. I don’t wear jewelry. My ear piercings have closed up because I never put in earrings. I don’t even like wearing my wedding band. I have said I don’t like jewelry. But every anniversary and Christmas he bought me jewelry. One day, while watching something on TV, there was a commercial about the gift of jewelry and I scoffed and called it dumb. I think he *finally* heard me and stopped getting me jewelry.
I think a lot of men buy women what the commercials say they like rather than listening to women when they flat out say what they do and don’t like. And it’s frustrating.
Lol my husband does shit like this. I even made a wishlist of things I want/need so the money is not wasted and he just cannot help himself. I HATE flowers (potted are good) and I hate cheap jewelry, I’d rather get something nice once every few years than trinkets that look cheap. He asked for suggestions for my birthday so I told him I wanted some books and he got, for the millionth time, a cheap necklace I hate, but now have to wear (he also got the books but he felt like that was not enough). I have been extremely bluntly clear with him about gifts and that books alone are enough and still this is what I have to deal with. I’ll keep trying and keep being blunt with him, but this is just how he is. Maybe try a Google doc that you both can share and list practical gifts you would actually like. It half worked for me lol.
I always tell my husband buy me a plant instead of flowers. I like them better and they live longer. He listened, now he looks at it as symbolic of marriage. You have to take care of it for it to thrive.
Why don’t you tell him what you’d rather he buy?
I dated a guy who refused to believe things I said because they weren’t stereotypical girl traits. Like that I want to be left alone when I’m upset. He said “girls like to be chased, so I’m supposed to chase you.” And I just kept telling him that was wrong, that I genuinely was asking for space to calm down, and he just wouldn’t leave me alone because “girls don’t want that.”
Anyway, we are no longer together. I didn’t like feeling like I could be any girl on this planet and he’d still act the same, meaning I was just a place holder.
It’s weird for a spouse to ignore what YOU want because “that’s what girls like”
I like to get my wife flowers every couple of weeks. Usually white roses, but sometimes I’ll mix it up and get different kinds to see what she thinks. 2 weeks ago I got some sunflowers and pompons to try something different for Easter. She loved the sunflowers but hated the pompons. I just asked her how she felt about them, and she told me she didn’t like them; noted, no pompons in the next arrangement.
Sounds like your husband just doesn’t listen. He has no right to be mad, and after a decade I would have thought he’d have figured out what flowers you like and what budget was acceptable. I also think it’s lazy that he does it the same time every year.
On a rambling side note, the one time I don’t get my wife flowers is specifically Valentines day, out of spite against such a shittily disguised cash grab used to separate shallow people from their money. I don’t need some fat fuck capitalists to tell me when I should show my wife I love her.
> Anyway he seems mad at me and I don’t know what to do.
If he’s mad, it means he finally heard you.
In previous years, he heard the words you were saying, but he didn’t actually hear you. Now he did and it upset him.
It’s okay. You don’t need to do anything. There’s nothing to fix.
Give him some time and space to cool down. When he’s ready, explain that you really love him and you appreciate the gesture, but that you really don’t want flowers.
Explain that you tried telling him nicely in previous years and you’re sorry that it had to come to this.
Then give him a giant hug and kiss!
Not defending him, because he should be able to remember from year to year, but my practical suggestion would be to, next year, remind him like a month before your birthday that you don’t want flowers. Shouldn’t be your job to do that, but seems like he isn’t getting it.
Could you provide a list of things you do/would want? I struggle with creative gift giving and I get a lot of stress/anxiety around it, so I really appreciate when people have a list with specific things and I can just get one of them. I know it’s not as fun and surprising but generally my wife is happy because she gets something she wanted and I’m happier because I don’t feel anxious and stressed for weeks and I can focus on making her day enjoyable.
You and the woman from a week ago who was angry her husband bough her flowers that were on sale need to trade husbands.
I hate flowers as a gift as well. So what I told my husband years ago was to get me a small herbal plant that can’t be more than $5 to $7 bucks at the home depot. I love fresh herbs is a useful gift, and we all enjoy them on teas and cooking. I hate dead flowers is a waste of money in my opinion.
My wife isn’t a flower person either, basically she likes it when I get her things outside of the holidays, it has to be small and practical.
She also lets me know something she would rather have, we talked about this several months before Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for this exact reason, there is no sense in guessing. Give him a couple ideas instead of him reverting back to his flower giving.