I [41M] met my [34F] girlfriend online in December of 2020. We had both come out of longish relationships earlier in the same year. I continued to see other people for the first month or so, but we became exclusive in spring 2021. She was somewhat occupationally challenged and hadn’t really ever had a professional job. She had also moved out of her 10 year boyfriend’s house after breaking up with him (about 10 months before I met her). She has a bad habit of prioritizing others over her own well-being and had really put her life on hold in order to act as a mom to her niece while her (former teen mom) ambitious sister went to school and climbed the corporate ladder, as well as trying to save her needy, depressed, alcoholic ex-bf for those 10 years. She graduated with a bachelor’s in her late 20s but for reasons mentioned above, as well as a lack of self-confidence, she didn’t really break out of the service industry until being laid off in early COVID. When I met her, she hadn’t had any income except unemployment for the better part of a year and was staying with relatives, paying a low but still substantial rent, although she was looking for a room to rent of her own.
I was in a really lonely place after my big breakup in early COVID and running a struggling but promising business basically solo and we hit it off really well, with a lot of affection and extremely good physical chemistry. She moved into her own place within a few weeks of us starting to date and we’ve been pretty close since, in a very gender-roled way: she came to work at my (at that time) small company and has stayed around since, becoming a key employee as we’ve grown much more successful and doing a pretty good job.
I pay for pretty much everything for her outside of rent of her place and although I don’t live large, we do go on nice vacations, etc. She also looks to me to direct her on many things, like finances and other “grown-up” stuff. I’ve often felt kind of uncomfortable with the imbalance of power in our relationship, after dating more career-oriented and self-directed women in the past, but I’m still in an entrepreneurial/workaholic mode and it’s really nice to see someone so sweet, pretty, and comforting at the end of the day who just wants to take care of me. Sometimes it feels like she wants to be like a geisha for me, massaging, cooking, and extremely sexually open (as in up for anything) and submissive (which is more her thing than mine). She has been an incredibly devoted girlfriend and does everything she can to please me.
I’m a pretty easy-going guy when it comes to sex stuff and never ask any questions about a woman’s sexual past, except about STI/birth control related things — I figure that it’s her business unless she wants to tell me.
Anyway, to the point, we took some MDMA on a night earlier this weekend and had an extremely intimate night, she confessed that she loved me and I replied that I also loved her. She said she also really hoped to marry me. We wound up getting pretty physical, having 6-8 hours of alternate snuggling and various kinds of sex. I’ll admit that i have little bit of an arousal talking to girlfriends about our sexual pasts and I kind of got this conversation going while we were playing around, by asking her some leading questions, but I didn’t expect it to go where it did.
She told me that, in the month before meeting me, she was extremely financially strained after her breakup and job-loss, and her sister (who is married to a very wealthy guy now) suggested that, since hadn’t been with any other guys for a decade and needed to have some fun and easily passes for 10 years younger than she is, she date a “sugar daddy” type to help out with things while she got back onto her feet. She went with this idea, creating a profile on a sugar daddy / sugar baby app, and wound up giving her treatment (bath, massage, and sex) to two older guys she met that way. She said that the whole experience made her feel bad and described it as “selling her body”, which is I guess what it is. She made it sound as if they were both one-offs, but I didn’t pry much and don’t know. She did say that she didn’t enjoy the actual sex and used condoms. To me, it didn’t sound like dating a rich guy and more like straight-up prostitution. She said it was the income from these encounters that had kept her afloat and able to start searching for her own apartment. After the second one, she decided not to do it again. She never interacted with the sugar daddy site after her second “date”, which she said was really uncomfortable. She said she never told anyone else about it (not even her sister, who’d suggested it) until that night with me. This happened a couple weeks before we finally met in person and hit it off (we wound up having sex on our third date, in her first night at her new apartment that was paid for with sex). I was really careful not to give any kind of negative impression to her but I’ll admit that it’s been lingering on my mind.
I have a pretty extensive sexual past, having been a bit of “player” in a few periods in my 20s and 30s, but I’ve never explicitly paid for sex and have been a bit judgy of guys I know who have. A lot of this is probably ego (like, in a “why would I ever pay? that’s for losers” way) tbh. I’ve also never had any woman ever told me that she’s been a literal prostitute but I did have a fling with stripper I met when she was not at work (although my longest ex-gf told me that she had considered being a rich man’s mistress at a point in grad school but didn’t want to ever tell her future husband about it so decided not to). I don’t consider myself prudish at all and totally support all sex workers, in theory, but in practice, I do feel a bit of “ick”.
We haven’t talked about this since monday night / tuesday morning when we had the experience, and I can’t really put my finger on it, but I guess the somewhat transactional/traditional nature of our relationship (she treats me royally when we’re home and I, directly or indirectly, fund her entire existence), combined with the fact that she has explicitly made this exchange in the past, makes me a little uncomfortable. I do love her, sometimes in more of taking-caring-of-her kind of way, but am not sure whether I want her to be my wife. She seems completely and hopelessly devoted to me. I’m completely confident in her honesty in everything she’s ever told me, as well, as I don’t think she has an ounce of guile in her.
Sometimes I do wonder how much my strong income potential (which has really started to play out over the time we’ve been together) has factored into things. She comes from a family of refugee immigrants (although she and sister are both natural born US citizens) and I think their mom must have raised them to think of their looks and sexuality as assets (they’re both extremely attractive women) to be used in order to get by and get ahead by snagging a good provider. I should mention that, although it’s implicitly understood that I pay for meals, flights, hotels, etc. (which has been the norm with most women I’ve dated, most of whom I have been significantly wealthier than) she has never asked me for money or expensive gifts — in fact, she’s actively opposed going to very expensive places.
Can anyone help me understand ways to think about this? I really care about my girlfriend and don’t want to hold this against her, even subconsciously.
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**tl;dr**: Did MDMA with my girlfriend, got into talking about our sexual pasts and she told me that she had done sex work to cover her bills briefly, but didn’t like it, in the few weeks before meeting me. She has been nothing but great as a girlfriend since, but I am not sure how to feel now, especially since we have a pretty financially uneven relationship after a couple years.
35 comments
I think you are overthinking it bro
She has been nothing but a great girlfriend to you. Who cares about her past she is with you now. Be happy together ❤️
I don’t believe she is with you for your money.
Each to their own, but the way you wrote the story indicates a willingness to understand how she managed to get into that position in the first place. So now that you know she acted on it, why does it bother you? She’s not a “well known hooker” and I’m sure you don’t go spouting off to your friends and family how she used to be a prostitute, so why not let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy what you have? She sounds great, so if you decide to dump her, I’ve got a great guy friend who could certainly use a great girl.
Does knowing this now change who she is at all? She’s still the same person you fell for. Shouldn’t really affect how you feel.
My friend, you’ve described what seems to be an amazing woman and partner. She sounds caring, thoughtful, deeply honest. Most women you’ll meet, especially around your age have regretted sleeping with some sketchy dudes at one point or another. At least you partner left the situation with something to gain. Personally, I wouldn’t let this stand in the way of a potentially great relationship.
I don’t see how sex specific work could be that much of a roadblock. Of course, unless that is what holds value to you personally in a relationship, then that’s fine.
I also can’t help but mention I find it ironic that you’re upset she was a sex worker yet you said you were talking to other women while you were talking to her. And then you say you’re a player? Bit of a double standard, eh?
You also said she’s occupationally challenged, yet you don’t support her clearly trying to make a change in that regard. She also honestly, clearly expressed to you that she didn’t enjoy the process and was not happy with it, therefore she likely won’t do it again.
If you want my honest advice man to man I think you’re being a hard-ass and you’re caught up on the fact that your girl had sex with others in the past. You seem insecure about this and I only say this to try and provide you assistance. I don’t think you’re an idiot or bad man but you seem to have a roadblock in your mind for no real good reason.
Your women seems to respect you, do the same to her
Ok so here’s the thing.
1. Don’t ask somebody about their sexual past and then fucking judge them about it. If you ask somebody to open up and be honest and vulnerable with you don’t then turn around and use that against them. It’s fucked.
2. Don’t judge somebody, especially a woman in a bad situation, who did what they had to do to support themselves. Maybe it wasn’t great and it wasn’t the best situation. Maybe she could have made better choices but she didn’t. And she feels fucking horrible about it. And she fucking told you because she trusted that you wouldn’t fucking judge her.
3. She obviously fucking loves you and dotes on you and takes fucking good care of you. So man the fuck up. Good women aren’t on every corner. I do mean the pun. They aren’t mixed up with illegal prostitution.
To me it sounds like you found a good woman who has hustled her whole damn life and wants to finally rest her soul with you. YOU. So how about letting her. Let go of the bullshit and past man. Life’s too fucking short to hang on to shit that we did when we were desperate. Not all of us have had an easy life. Not all of us have past we are fucking proud of. But it’s who the fuck we are now and who the fuck we are gonna be that matters.
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So, don’t hold it against her. That was her past and her business. Sex for money isn’t that big of an issue. Official sex workers have the right to that lifestyle if necessary or because they enjoy. All is fine. Focus on your present relationship with her. If you hold it against her, you aren’t a good bf and why continue with her..
> I’ll admit that i have little bit of an arousal talking to girlfriends about our sexual pasts and I kind of got this conversation going while we were playing around, by asking her some leading questions, but I didn’t expect it to go where it did.
You created this sexy, supposedly safe environment for her to share. You asked her, encouraged her, led her to share, *in a drugged state*.
Now you don’t like what you heard.
You’ve been, by your words, a player. You dated a stripper – a sex worker.
Your gf told you how bad these encounters made her feel. She didn’t enjoy it.
Now you haven’t spoken to her in days, which doesn’t seem like your norm, and you’re acting all judgy because she answered your questions.
You’re entitled to how you feel about it, though her feeling bad about it says that she doesn’t view sex as transactional. She doesn’t let you buy her expensive things. This whole “transactional” thing seems like an excuse for you since you got the ick from her admissions – the admissions you pushed her to make, while in a drugged state.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Fuck around and find out. Whatever you want to use. Now you’re essentially ghosting her. You think you’re better than her? You’re sitting in judgement of her?
I think you have nerve.
From the wording of your post, you seem to understand why she did it, and you don’t seem bothered by the act. I would suggest that you’re bothered by the worry (now that you’re making money from your business) that you are similar to the sugar daddies she was with. That similarity plus your feelings towards paying for sex might explain why you feel the way you do.
With that supposition, I’d like to point out a few things. She said she loved you, whereas with the other two men, she felt used and guilty afterward. She supports you professionally and emotionally, so there is no reason to doubt that. You’ve been happy together for two years, whereas she only saw them once and decided not to again.
As for the money, during the pandemic, you were still a small business, struggling to keep up with your objectives. You don’t have what you do now. So it wasn’t for the money for her then, and likely isn’t now. Instead, it seems to be because of how you feel about each other. When she started working with you on your business, she probably saw a way to have some time with you, support your career, and support your household together.
With all of that, I’d say what you guys have is good, and you don’t need to worry about being like men she disliked from her past. If you’re worried about how caring she is, you did mention a slight lean towards submissiveness, which combined with your feelings foe each other, might be why she does some of the caring acts you mentioned. Don’t sweat it man, and happy 2+ years with hopefully more to come.
Everyone deserves to be loved, no matter their background. Those who have deficiencies seeing their self value and worth because of the hard ways they’ve been treated throughout their lives deserve a solid, raw, and truest form of love…I believe you were placed into her life to protect her as an individual and provide her with the respect that she didn’t quite realize she needed. She was simply an individual placed in between a rock and a hard place at a point in her life and you stepped in at just the right time to take her out of it. Just like we all have been in n that rock and hard place before, placed with decisions that inevitably shape us. That line of work and the world that goes with it would have chewed her good heart up and spit her out relentlessly over and over again. You are her protector, her defender, her best friend, her lover, her fighter, and shouldn’t give up on her because if you let this cloud your vision of who she really is deep down as a person, she won’t get what she deserves and neither will you, brother. She may not have the means to reciprocate 10/10 what you are giving her but if she’s right for you, then one day she will reciprocate 10/10 what you’ve done for her when you can’t give your 10/10. In whatever way you may take that, Don’t quit on true love, continue to have patience and faith. She sounds like a really good catch.
another commenter said it, but -it seems the core issue of your current relationship is that you’re not sure if you respect her.
her sleeping with someone for money is something that could cause you to lose respect for her, along with the fact she is dependent upon your business, & has been since the beginning of the relationship.
i would recommend taking an interest in her hobbies, skills, & interests, particularly the ones you don’t or haven’t thought much about, and maybe she does or has at one point mentioned semi frequently. do you understand why she likes to cook, what it is she’s trying to create (literally / the feelings and history that surrounds her cooking/massaging/other hobbies?)
if you find you can respect her in a new way, you may very well see marriage with her.
It’s better than someone having ONS on a regular basis. It’s unfortunate, but imagine being so low that you had to resort to that. Look after her. She sounds like she treats you nicely.
I can’t helping feeling that this woman deserves a little better than OP. It sounds like OP has a certain mind set & is judging her unfairly to a certain extent in multiple ways. Idk. It’s just the way he talks negatively about her somewhat. She sounds like such a lovely person. I think she can do better for herself imho.
Lots of sex that women have when they are young and struggling are transactional in some way. Lots of young women who are struggling mentally have sex they don’t want, money may not cross hands but other things do. Don’t over think it. She was stuck, she did what she needed to do, she regrets it.
She loves you, she wants to be with you.
If you’re uncomfortable with the power imbalance you can help empower her to do things on her own by helping by showing her how to do things and being there if she gets stuck. She sounds a lot like me when I was younger. I hope you can get over your worries.
I am a submissive sexually in my relationship and my Dom earns a LOT more than I do. However I’m a single mom, live on my own, and have my own tiny business. My independency is important to me, and so is my ethics. Both my partner and I are intelligent and having the capacity to manipulate people, but we don’t because we both have a strong set of values. We like to play little mindgames within bdsm, based on consent.
And my partner loves me a lot, and likes to spoil me and everyone they love with gifts, surprises, tickets, restaurant meals and such. And I do appreciate the overwhelming gentle love expressed through this generosity. I still fight some of it though, because I know I could abuse this, and for a long time they wouldn’t complain and just go along.
For now we’re living apart, have separate finances, this is easy. But I too, like your gf am a caregiving service kind of sub, I’d love to cook for them and give them a massage and such regularly. And if I’d spend my time on this, that’d take away from my business. So I’d earn less. Spiraling into a way more intertwined relationship than I feel comfortable with rn.
I think you could encourage her to build her carrier and support her in finding some good job. If you are in D/s dynamics the Obedience app is great for this.
This would bring a more balanced power situation to your relationship’s financial realm, and you could either relax knowing she isn’t there for the money, and also her self respect and confidence would grow. And also, as a couple you’d diversify your income portfolio. And if this is about your rightful doubt a gold digging situation, you could also find out with time, as any conflicts are handled differently if she has her own income.
Starting couple’s therapy could be another way out of these pressing doubts. Not just short term, but also, if you see potential in this relationship, to establish its strengths long term.
With this long post, I reckon you’ve made up your mind and just need people to give you a push.
Sounds like a great Woman. I would keep her.
> she never told anyone else about it (not even her sister, who’d suggested it)
“I’m so appreciative that you confided in me about this, and if it’s okay – let’s just never discuss it again. I want to focus on us.”
Whether or not you get past it is a choice you make, OP. You’ve got to decide and to move on. Her opinions on it are about A+. Nobody else knows, which is often the point that causes people to get hung up on past behavior.
It sounds like she’s a keeper.
Wow. You don’t deserve her, dude-bro.
Based on how long this post is & that you had to add an TLDR.
You are overthinking the situation. She had paid sex before she met you & got with you.
She hasn’t done anything like that since.
I don’t think there is anything to worry about.
Maybe you shouldn’t do MDMA.
She loves you and this is the kind of partner she is. If you prefer a career oriented girl as your wife, break up and date someone else.
Tl;dr, dude is jealous over some bad sex his gf had before they were together
1. You had more partners then her.
2. Everything that happened with her in the past lead her to you.
3. Quit over thinking. She sounds amazing
She did what she had to do & was honest w you because you make her feel comfortable enough. That sticks out to me more than anything. Normally, idt someone would confess that so early on, drugs or not. I’ve never been paid for sex, but I’d imagine that a lot of ppl have. There’s no sense in judging. We’re all very complex creatures. She probably felt desperate & bad abt it, even if she hadn’t, tho I don’t see what the big deal is.
My husband was the breadwinner up until recently because I wanted to raise our little boys until they got into school. Don’t think of it as a power dynamic, think of it as your way of taking care of her, while hers is cooking & cleaning, or something of the sort.
Having two sugaring encounters doesn’t make someone a full blown prostitute. Jesus Christ dude.
Sounds like you’ve got a keeper to me. She’s devoted to you, you say you love her and you enjoy spending time with her. Just because she has a sexual past, most of us do, I wouldn’t hold that against her. She made a decision to get on her feet, it got her in a place where you two became a thing and she’s putting her past where it belongs.
The fact that she even admitted that to you shows how much she already trusts you. Like you said, she hasn’t even told her sister who suggested it to her in the first place, shows me how much she didn’t like the idea of it in the first place. That tells me she’s not with you solely because of the money.
So?
Dude, it’s not a big deal. If you take the money out of it all she did was have sex with two blokes that she didn’t really want to sleep with. I dare say which isn’t uncommon. She was honest and told you about everything. Keep your safe space with your amazing woman.
What the hell is “occupationally challenged”?
This was too long to read but what I saw I’d say you shouldn’t judge her on being in a desperate situation. I’m pretty sure I’d just enjoy the relationship with her. She sounds great to be with.
You’re seeing a correlation. Which in context, actually means nothing. Your ego is standing in the way of an otherwise good relationship for you both.
If you don’t want to pay for stuff. Don’t. That’s your choice and has been all along.
You asked for help on how to think about this, so here’s my two cents. First off, good on you for such a thoughtful and detailed post. It seems to me that you’re really self aware and good at self-reflection, which is a rare trait in guys. It can be a double edged sword though. Your ability to recognize that you’ve judged other guys who have paid for sex is key here I think, and might be causing some cognitive dissonance within you.
Here’s the thing – you’ve never paid for sex. Even though you’re covering the bulk of her expenses, I don’t think that what you describe here even comes close to a transactional relationship with your girlfriend. To me it sounds like the opposite, a truly balanced and reciprocal relationship where you each have your own strengths and way of “being” in the relationship that complements each other very well. Even if you’ve never been in a dominant-submissive type relationship before, it doesn’t make it a bad thing to be in one now, if that’s in fact what’s happening. Many people prefer this type of dynamic, as it allows them to be their true selves. Submissives can focus their energy on caring for their partner in the ways they’re best at, treating their partner like gold. Dominants can do what they do best, like provide for, guide, and nurture their partner.
I think it may be worth having an explicit discussion with her about this, but with a focus on how you can be the best partner to her in ways that don’t involve money. Rather than seeing it as taking care of her in a paternal type of way, try to recognize that every good relationship involves partners caring for each other in different ways.
It’s next to impossible to untangle the financial piece since you started out on relatively shaky financial ground, then became quite successful during your time together. Remember that she wanted you when you were lonely and struggling. She stayed with you while things improved. From what you’ve said here, she’s never waffled on you. You can never know how things would be different if your business hadn’t been so successful, but you can choose to trust that she would just as in love with you as she is today if you were sleeping on a mattress in a shitty apartment.
In terms of wrapping your head around her sexual past, here’s what I’d say. She had sex before you met her. She used protection. She’s with you now. End of story. How she met the men she dated doesn’t matter. Questioning what exactly took place between her and past partners is a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down. Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Would you dump her if she had sex only once with each of those men, making it more like traditional “prostitution?” What if she had sex twice with them? Three times? Five times? What if they also did other things besides have sex, like go out for dinner first? At what point do you start to feel like it was more of a relationship with them than prostitution, and be “ok” with it? You see where I’m going with this? It’s an exercise in futility.
The very best approach you can take is to consciously decide to love and accept her for all that she is, all that she has done, and all that she will become in her time with you. Love her for exactly who she is, past included. She can’t change her past and neither can you, so it’s best to recognize that accepting her for all that she is will make your relationship even stronger and bring you closer than ever.
She sounds pretty fucking awesome. You both do, actually. So do the internal work you need to do to fully recognize and accept that, and settle in for a long, happy life together.
Edit: Spacing.