My mind is all over the place lately. Trying to educate myself out of reddit, working with a therapist, etc. But I keep thinking about the possibility of divorce more than ever, more seriously now than before. I am curious, for those that seriously considered divorce but decided to stay instead, how is it going today? Do you regret not going through with the divorce or are things better now? If they are better, was there anything in particular you or your partner did to improve it?
18 comments
It probably depends greatly on what your individual marital problems are. Staying in a marriage where there’s abuse is dramatically different than staying in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t clean to your satisfaction…
I’ve been seriously considering divorce for over 10 years. I wish I had done it a long time ago. I’m in a “it could be worse’ situation now, where there is little to be happy about but there is nothing actively bad about it. We are roommates who occasionally screw. No romance, no intimacy, we never talk about anything important like our relationship, we have no fun, we go nowhere, we do nothing. But there is no abuse (I feel mildly emotionally abused, but most of that is in the past.) We are financially secure (well, I bet we are in better than than most, but one major medical issue and we are in trouble.) Leaving her and getting my own place will strain our finances badly and put us both 20 years behind where we are now.
You don’t give us details about your situation, so all I can give is generalized advice. See a lawyer and understand the ugly parts of what a divorce will mean for you. Find out what it will cost, what kind of split is likely, alimony/child support, etc. At least you’ll know. We make better decisions with better information, so get good information. If you need to go, go now. It will suck, but tomorrow you’ll have one less day to your last and it will suck one day more. Time is our most precious resource. Don’t waste it like I did. Good luck.
I would recommend leaving for a few days/weeks if you can (stay with family/go to a hotel, anything.)
I say this from experience because I did NOT do that, I decided to blow up my marriage in a very unhealthy way (cheating and then immediately coming clean) because I was unhappy but I wouldn’t admit it to myself. I moved out, started filling for divorce but after therapy on me, couples therapy and individual therapy for him, we decided not to divorce and work on our marriage.
All of that to say, get away for a few days, take time
Off and really think about things. Do you think this person is willing to fix the problems with you if you go to therapy together? Will they admit to mistakes? Will they go to therapy? Do you know what needs to change for you to stay married?
Had the papers written up and everything. 7 years later our relationship is still rocky and I still don’t think I’m over what caused the first stumble in our relationship.
We did a year and a half ago. Changed our minds last minute. I’m glad we tried again… but here we are going through with a divorce now.
Im glad we tried again. I learned a lot. And I’m much more at peace with it this time.
I issued the ultimatum, couple’s therapy or divorce, and my husband chose couple’s therapy.
We are better now than the day we got married. We have better communication skills, my husband has a better understanding over what can be expected and can’t be expected in a marriage, my husband and I are better able to understand our cultural differences and how it helps drive some of our decisions, and my husband now understands that we are separate people and his way is not the highway, he has to work with me if he wants to stay in our partnership. We spent a year in therapy, and we haven’t had so much as a disagreement since.
We’re working on it. We had some big relationship problems about 2 months ago. My husband has checked out of the marriage mostly due to depression after a pretty severe motorcycle accident. We’re in counseling and both of us are being more conscious of valuing the other. We have a ways to go, but we’re intent on making it work. We’ve been married 23 years
I reached a point around 2016 that I had enough of my wife and how poorly she treated me. We were in the process of selling our home and I was going to part ways after it was under contract. Unfortunately for me she found out by going through my phone of plans to move in with my friend and his wife for a bit till I got some things in order. She begged me to stay, promised she’d work on all the things wrong that she had no interest in fixing for years prior. It lasted just long enough for us to get another home and all the issues prior came back with a vengeance only this time it was being done intentionally as retaliation for wanting to leave her.
I’d say around 3 years ago she made yet another threat of divorce only this time instead of playing the game I agreed and told her to go file I’m done. We’ve been separated since that moment but still live together due to kids and the crazy economy going on. I should’ve trusted my gut instincts and left her in 2016. For 8 years she refused to address any problems in the relationship and always pointed the finger at me instead of working with me to fix problems. Totally stupid to believe she finally saw the light and was going to ever change.
Yes and we still have our ups and downs and I’m again considering divorce seriously.
Love that people in here think the feels should just always be there , without effort given on both ends , during the course of the entire relationship.
We almost divorced twice 2-3 years ago. From verbal abuse to an affair (we each did terrible things). We’re incredibly happy now…it took a few diagnoses (for me), meds, therapy, and both of us genuinely seeing our flaws and changing them because we wanted to be better for ourselves and each other. It is possible to repair a marriage after it’s in shambles, but it’s incredibly hard and a hell of a lot of work.
After 2 years, I can’t remember us arguing. This is going from arguing every day. Communication is so important. Ik everyone says it, but it’s true. If you genuinely listen to each other, resolving problems is a lot easier.
Reddit is entertainment, not education, work with your therapist, family and friends and decide what will work for YOU in YOUR situation.
Yes, we talked about getting divorced a lot. I even called a divorce lawyer. The lawyer said he needs 7000$ up front and 500$/hour after that. Jesus, that’s a lot.
We don’t have any money problems or problems with cheating.
We also have kids and all our finances are pooled together.
I don’t have a career and even though I have a bachelor’s degree, I’m not sure if I can make it without his financial support.
He thinks he’s really ugly and would never dare or remarry after me, he was single for 7 years before I dated him and he only has had 1 serious romance in high school.
Our biggest problems are our personality types clash. He is an intp and I am an isfj. Understanding that through marriage counseling helped a lot. His relationship type is secure and mine is the opposite. The counselor mentioned he was bordering narcissistic type, so I was never going to get empathy or Understanding. Everything to him is about him and his happiness.
He’s extremely Introverted but I want to be around people. He’s totally against rules and doing the right thing and just wants to ignore everyone and be by himself.
Like I want to kill the ants in the backyard so the kids can play. He will get mad if I even talk about this. I can’t do it because I am allergic to pesticides but if I hire someone to do it he will be mad.
Controlling much? Maybe. In my marriage I always ask him what he wants to do and where he wants to go eat etc but he never asks me. If I just tell him what I want to eat he will get upset, there will be arguments and yelling then swearing then he will smash things.
It has gotten better as I turn to God/religion. I am getting my self worth from God, and love, peace, hope, joy and comfort from God. My husband is not a Christian and that makes our relationship hard too.
He just wanted to marry me to be able to get a son.
His oldest brother did the exact thing, but his oldest brother’s ex wife divorced him. She probably didn’t get any love, just like me. Narcissists only love themselves and want others to love them.
Multiple times. Still married and at times its great and others I am miserable for me anyways, not sure about her. Until death do us part.
Briefly about a year ago when my wife admitted to several (and 1 ongoing) emotional affairs.
Rather than be mad, get a divorce and didn’t really want, I decided to try to understand her instead. I succeeded, the only casualty being “monogamy” rather than our relationship. We understood we could love other people while still loving each other and find a kind of fulfillment that would be impossible otherwise.
A year later we have a lovely start on a little polycule and are having some of the best times of our lives. We communicate better than ever and both of us are much healthier, mentally, now. We’re excited for the next phase of our life.
Marriage to us means love, and a commitment to being each others anchors in this world and nothing has changed that in 25 years.
I experienced physical abuse, and on top of that it’s a lot of yelling from my husband. He is very out of control. He spits in my face while talking aggressively. Anything can get him going and escalates with him. He knows it all , and ALWAYS knows what you’re thinking . I have been hurt , and depressed because I haven’t been able to properly heal from the lash I got from him. I asked for some verbal space, even a little break from trying to debate sill useless things. He has not attempted. I know forgiveness is a huge thing for oneself. It’s hard for me to believe someone is sorry if they continue to display the same acts of aggression while claiming to be sorry for past aggression. I have never really been hurt “hurt” deep down like this. I don’t know if it’s crazy to believe if someone was truly sorry , they’d change all types of aggression because they wanna refrain from such harmful behavior. It’s a constant “wrong and strong” kinda behavior. It’s almost like he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe I do not have help? Maybe taking advantage of me. …. I have tried, I am not perfect. I am a quiet person but sometimes I get too flustered with the unintelligent conversations, I ask not to have them , but that’s an issue for him. If he starts talking about people , and I don’t wanna hear then I am the bad guy. I don’t feel loved . I gave it a try. I am unhappy , and feel so ill treated. What should I do?
I feel like its constant me having enough and him changing for a while then it goes back to same things. If it wasn’t for my little girls I would not be here.
I am actually trying to avoid a divorce right now