My (30F) sister (36F) is bitter about life… do I leave her be?

38 comments

1. Your sis is an emotional vampire and you are letting her suck your emotional energy.

   When you are around her, don’t let her feed off of you. This means when she tells you all of your problems, just brush them off. I might even tell her to grow the f’ up.

2. Oh – bless you! I would not have patience for any of this! Yes, in your shoes, I would not be doing much about this at ALL. It’s far too high maintenance. She is unhappy with her own life and she is basically trying to make it everyone else’s problem.

   Actually, in our family, I would be having a boundary conversation with her. Something along the lines of:

   “Listen, Betty. I understand that you are not happy with where you are at in life at the moment. My heart goes out to you. And if you ever need help with some of these things – setting up a dating profile, looking at houses and bounding ideas off each other, looking at IVF options – I will 100% be there for you. But what we WON’T be doing is dancing around you or raining on other people’s happy moments to avoid upsetting you. That’s not fair to them to have to mute or hide their joy. It’s their moment, not yours. You are being selfish by wanting to take that away from them because you are not happy in your own life.”

   … I mean, seriously. If she had a miscarriage or something – of course that would be something to be sensitive about. But nothing “happened”. She’s just miserable.

   That won’t fix your relationship with your sister – and actually, if she’s that sensitive it will probably damage it – but if she’s unhappy, SHE needs to do something about that – not make it everyone else’s problem.

3. >The outcome was that she didn’t feel like anyone felt sorry enough for her or gave her enough support (including her family).And that is now the theme of her life.

   She likes being the victim. Maybe if she wasn’t such an Eeyore, she’d have found a partner by now. Nobody wants to be around someone who sucks all the joy out of the room.

   I’d just avoid her and keep any contact very superficial. Stop inviting/including her in your milestones. Right now she has no impetus to change because you all keep coddling her. Call her out in the moment when she tries to steal your happiness. Stop enabling her/taking responsibility for her feelings, and push it all back onto her.

4. It sounds like she also inherited the jealousy gene.

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6. I had a friend in my main friend group sort of like this in my 20s. Everywhere he went, his negativity would just fill the room.

   When we all got older our tolerance for negative people went down. By our mid-30s I don’t think anyone in my friend group had hung out with him in years. This is going to happen to your sister if she keeps this up. People are going to fade away from her or just be upfront and tell her they don’t want to be friends anymore. That’s just going to reinforce her negative thoughts.

   I feel like because she’s your sister, you can be more blunt with her. Tell her what’s she’s doing and she needs to knock it off. Sometimes people just need to be told, sensitive or not.

   I can spiral with the negative thoughts sometimes. I deal with it by journaling, venting on Reddit, and keeping myself busy. During especially hard times, I’ve confided in my close friends that I’m struggling. Journaling specifically has been a life saver for me. I’ve been journaling regularly for over 20 years! I can vent and be angry and be stupid without anyone judging me. It’s also a great way to remember important milestones.

7. I am not disregarding your sister’s decision. I think it was a very good decision to be pro-active.

   Can I assume from your post, your sister has been a bit emotionally immature her entire life and may have developed a victim mentality. I believe that you had best intentions in mind, but it appears you have been enabling her behaviour for a long time and now you are exhausted ‘lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm’.

8. pretty standard victim-complex / energy-vampire

   sadly there is no magical solution; just kinda have to keep holding firm boundaries and hope she pulls herself out of it.

9. > The outcome was that she didn’t feel like anyone felt sorry enough for her

   so shes been throwing a nearly decade long pitty party. yeah fek that. i couldnt be around that

10. At some point (and I think you have reached it) you have to draw the line in the sand and say “this is too much and this is your problem not mine. You need to get some mental help”

    Obviously you need to rephrase it since she has gotten some help but still.

11. I don’t think you have to be harsh in order to draw an effective boundary. Statements like “I’m sure that’s really hardfor you,” “boy that sucks” Even “if I were in your place I might feel just like you do.”But the key is going to be setting a time limit for your calls.” “Okay I’ve got 10 minutes before I have to walk out the door” or “it’s not a good time for me to talk” or I promised myself I’d be in bed by 10:30.” And then don’t change that. It’s going to be huge hard, but you’re going to be buying yourself some Peace and Freedom.

    And I strongly suggest that you not offer advice, even if it’s something you think would really help her. That keeps her in the mode of “I can’t solve my problems so I have to get somebody else to solve my problems.”
    Best wishes. I hope things work out for you and your sister.

12. 7 yrs of this? You’re a saint for sticking by her for so long. However, just like everyone else, you’re getting tired of her negativity (rightfully so). At some point, a indefinitely negative person becomes too much to be around, no matter how much you love them.

    Shes going to end up loosing you and her friends if she doesn’t genuinely put in the effort to change.

13. Unfortunately she may very well continue like this indefinitely. And to make matters worse, her negative attitude will make a positive change less likely. So she may find herself in an ever deepening misery spiral.

    If that happens all you can do is be there for her by listening and trying to be sensitive to the things that trigger her. But you’re only human.

    So, find the level you can give whilst retaining your sanity, maybe that’s a call a day, maybe that’s a call a week, maybe that’s a call a month, and give that much and no more.

14. I have been much like your sister before. Just. A sad panda, all the time, needing constant validation, etc. The only way to fix it is for her to deal with herself, her own feelings, and for her to take responsibility for her life, choices, and future happiness. There is no amount of validation that can fix her mindset. I wish I could offer more advice, but I would suggest distancing yourself for your own emotional health and safety while she is in this emotional state of victimhood. It hopefully won’t be forever, but there’s no good timeline for emotional change and growth.

15. Sometimes life can seem unfair. And, actually, sometimes it is unfair. Especially in the realms of partners and family. One thing you cannot ‘work harder at’ or ‘put more effort’ into to make work is a finding a suitable partner and having a family. Yes, you can date and make an effort to be as attractive as you can be, but still a hell of a lot of it is luck.

    Then without that you then have to start to consider the very real fact that women have a bio clock, so you can’t keep trying to meet someone forever if you really want a family. This then lead to having to make difficult choices around family planning. Can you afford to have a child alone as a solo mother by choice? Can you arrange enough of a village for support? Can you afford a night nanny a few times a week? Will family help out? Etc etc

    So she is probably feeling very trapped, alone and without options. It’s no excuse, just an explanation. I would sit down with her and discuss this. Ask her has she considered having a family alone and looking for a partner later on? A family has a use by date but finding a partner doesn’t. Would you or other family be willing to offer some help if she did chose that route? Would that perhaps mean she may want to but closer if she decides that could work?

    Maybe she’s not ready to take that step yet, but she could freeze some embryos so she can have the option later? Or even freeze some eggs, although it’s not the preferred option.

    Maybe by really going over all her options with her and sympathise that it’s not her, a hell of a lot of it is luck, but that she can be be proactive she might start to think of taking control of her life and thus feel more empowered. That life isn’t just happening to her, but that she can shape her destiny.

16. She won’t be happy even when she gets the things she wants. I started drawing boundaries in a relationship like this that turned into me having to cut it off.
    People that cannot find happiness in anything and need constant validation are mostly attention seeking so they will find ways to do that because they enjoy the attention.
    She needs therapy and to work on this within yourself and if anything you are enabling her by being there.

17. I had a ‘friend’ like this. I put up with her complaining and anger too, so she really tried to lean on me very heavily. One day I’d had a really shitty sleep, and she came and started in on me about my relationship, and how I was so much younger than her and didn’t deserve a happy relationship as much as she did, and I just lost it. I told her “let’s stop with the games. We both know that the reason you can’t find a partner is because you’re so angry, bitter and desperate. No one wants to date angry and bitter, but toss desperate on top? Of course you’re single. And you’re gonna remain single until you can get over your ‘pity me’ bullshit, and focus on being a decent human being again”.

    Meanest thing I’ve ever said to anyone. Easily. And I do remember it word for word, it’s a bit seared into my brain.

    And in many ways, I truly regret it. But also, I do have to wonder if it had the impact I intended, because the way she looked at me…said nothing, then turned and walked away and cut full contact, I am quite sure that I struck a cord. And a year later, when I looked her up on Facebook, she actually had a partner of about 8 months at that point, and they seemed happy. She was smiling in the photos, and I’d never actually seen a real smile from her in our 6 month friendship. It was nice to see. I just went and looked her up again now, and she and the guy got married, have two kids, and she’s pregnant it seems. I would never be insane enough to take credit, and I can’t possibly know what else has gone on in her life, but the timing is interesting.

    Anyway. My long rambly point, is that you don’t need to keep putting up with this shit, and it’s not good for her that you do. Someone needs to tell her that she’s doing this to herself, and that if she doesn’t seriously work on it, she’s gonna *stay* alone. Cause as awful as it is, no one wants to date angry, bitter and desperate, and your sister is all three.

18. Just a thought at the perspective that I dont see in the comments – society is built upon celebrating the milestones of marriage, house, children, etc… and not everyone chooses that path. But we don’t celebrate the milestones for those people. They could be pursuing a new hobby, traveling, changing career path, etc… As someone who is saddened by a lot of the world, it can be difficult to feel loved and seen when you don’t fit the “typical” mold. For me, I try to love hard than be bitter as a means of combatting the sadness, but it’s a constant effort I have to put in and I’m not perfect at it by any means. Ultimately, I do think the best thing to do is to have a open and gentle conversation with her about how much you love her and want to support her/love her in the ways that she needs, but that you aren’t sure what those are. At the same time, letting her know that what you see/hear from her makes you worry that she’s unhappy and ask if that’s true. It puts the ball in her court to communicate with you what she’s looking for, but also you get to lovingly remind her that you are here for her if that’s what she needs. Sometimes people don’t realize that they are coming off as negative until someone lets them know.

19. I get being sensitive and not being where you want to be in life, but god you don’t need to shit on everyone else’s happiness.

    Truth be told I’m a pretty sensitive person too but I don’t let it trickle into my friends and family’s lives.

    In truth nobody does care all that much, and I’ve been the one who was there for them when they needed someone to talk to or needed help.

    It definitely did hurt when they didn’t do the same for me in one of my darkest moments, but I didn’t make a huge deal out of it.

    I just recognized how much people actually cared and matched their energy.

    You journal your anger out. You cry in the bathtub. You keep chipping away at your goals while not giving too much of yourself away to others anymore.

20. My little sister is similar. I’ve felt frustration with her perspectives. She acts like the least lucky, least supported, least liked person in the world. And no one understands her; no one could ever understand her because her problems are just so advanced. So we better all… stop living because it makes her feel left behind.

    I used to react strongly to that. It got progressively worse. But things are getting much better because I’ve found a way to handle this better. What’s helped me is to accept that my sister acting this way is a cry for help.

    She truly felt like no one supported her, like we judged her, like no one understands. It makes no sense for me to take that personally, it’s how she feels. All I can do is validate her feelings. “You really have it tough.” “That must be hard.” “I support you.” “That was a very tough decision.” And then close the conversation with something empowering like “I admire that you can do this.”

    When she tries to dig at me I never defend myself, I always say I have a different experience and that’s okay. I keep my emotions neutral and point out that I’m not her punching bag and she can’t take out her frustrations on me. And that if there’s something she doesn’t like about her life, only she can change that.

    Our relationship has been superficial as a result but I’m much happier with our relationship now. And she is slowly… changing her life.

21. Unfortunately, it sounds like there’s nothing you can do except be a thoughtful and supportive sister. It would be best to enforce some boundaries as well, because at the end of the day there’s only so much you can take on without burning out yourself.

22. Your sister doesn’t sound too far gone.

    I would be optimistic about your situation.

    I know what your position feels like. My older brother is like this…. He’s been severely depressed for a very long time and refuses to pursue any kind of treatment and any kind of intervention reduces to an ugly and emotionally destructive fight for everybody involved.

    Anyway over the decades he has alienated himself from everybody in the family and he essentially lives as a hoarder/hermit, and if you send him even a phone call it rapidly reduces to him emotionally pressuring you to send him money to fuel his addictions.

    I wish i had an answer. for me I just got myself out of that situation because everything about it was poison to me. Seeing him slowly kill himself with self misery, and also constantly putting emotional pressure on me to do whatever he wanted was extremely unhealthy for me.

23. Well, don’t let her drag you down. It doesn’t mean you have to abandon her either. The best you can do is hold out your hand while no longer taking those comments about your partner or anything else she is jealous of.

    She wants sympathy, yet she needs some tough love. My father was a chronic victim he dragged me down in the abyss. Offer a hand while finding a way to protect yourself. One of the ways to do this is when she says something stupid, call it out. The fight will happen either way. Would you rather fight yourself or fight to help a problem.

    Although she needs professional help and a wake-up call.

24. Some people are like Sahara Desert, endless dry sands. They demand from everyone to water their desert. And everyone does. And water disappears without trace.

    How much water do YOU have?

    You may pour all of it into her desert.

    Or turn around, go to your own small patch of soil, and pour water there.

    The choice is yours if you end up with a luscious garden of your own in a few years, or have a dried out patch of soil and no water left.

25. Honestly your sister sounds seriously mentally ill. I say this because she reminds me a lot of myself before I was diagnosed bipolar 2 & borderline personality disorder. I would urge her to get care for her mental health. Things can get better, I promise.

26. This sounds like a person who might benefit from DBT group therapy. It’s more structured than talk therapy and teaches how to manage distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.

    Talk therapy helped me survive, but DBT is helping me to live.

27. I’m down to marry someone with a good career. 36/M/NYC. Pathology Tech. 5’5″, Colombian, no kids, never married. Hit me up if interested.

28. I think, as a sister, you need to choose yourself. You and others are aware of her negativity and bitterness. She’s not even trying to improve. People like that either wise up and improve (eventually) or stay miserable. I hope it’s the first option for your sister

29. So I coincidentally just had a prophylactic mastectomy two weeks ago myself. About 99% of my friends and family reacted the same way as your sister’s – lots of “so proud of you” and “so happy for you,” etc. The only outlier actually annoyed the crap out of me. I felt insulted that someone would question my decision. For extra context, I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 25, I’m 38 now. I also desperately wanted children, but wound up being infertile. One of my very good friends just announced her pregnancy. Did I cry a little? Oh definitely. Am I still really happy for her? Of course! It’s okay to feel sad when others have the things you want, it’s not okay to dwell and not be happy for them too.

    Everyone is different of course, and she has a right to her own feelings, but they are just that- HER feelings that SHE has to deal with. It’s not on anyone else to make her feel better, only she can do that. Therapy only works if you want it to. Kind of like an addict looking to quit, no matter how many times you go cold turkey it only sticks when you’re really ready for it to.

    That being said, I think finding a therapist of your own to help deal with this situation would be the best course of action. You need to set boundaries with your sister and you need to put your own mental health and wellbeing first. A therapist can help give you the tools you need while also limitimg any hurt the boundary setting could cause your sister.

    I do wish the absolute best for both of you. For what it’s worth, sending positive vibes to you and your sister too.

30. I would talk to her with all kinds of love and tell her you know she has had some huge life changes and may want to talk to counselor, just to figure out how to move on and to have someone objective on her side so that she can talk things through – her life is not over – she can do the things she wants to do. (Gratefulness is also helpful but probably not what she wants to hear right now.)

    In the meantime, just agree with her that you feel very right now and hope she will find love as well, or find happiness in other ways.

31. I had a friendly acquaintance who was very draining. People would just ghost her and she didn’t get it. I finally sat her down and said “hey. I get the impression you want to connect with people. I wanted to share that I think some of the ways you do that actually have the opposite effect.” And then I told her how her complaining all the time leaves very little conversation left for people.

    I think if you can try and find what it is your sister might be wanting (to me it sounds like she wants people to think of her even if her demands are unreasonable) you might be able to spin it in a way for her to realize the impact. And also come at it from the angle of “I love you and I feel like you’re hurting.” You sound like a thoughtful sister

32. I think you have to (nicely) tell her how you’re feeling. My sister talked with me about this when I was in a bad place. She didn’t do a great job, but we’re best friends now, so water under the bridge.

    However, from a major depression and BPD sufferer, here’s my suggestion:

    “Hey, sister. I love you so much and I know that a lot of changes in our siblings’ lives have been challenging for you lately. I’ve been struggling with how to best be there for you without feeling guilty about the things in my life I’m happy about. What do you need from me, like base level? Do you want me to just listen? To advise? To console? I just want to figure out the best way forward that also doesn’t leave me feeling guilty about my own happiness and shitty for maybe making you sad. I love you, and I want us to have the best relationship possible.”

    Then actually listen to what she wants and offer compromises. I’m wondering if anyone has ever asked her this. No one has ever asked me, but whenever I’ve posed this question to friends whose sad-sack phases have been killing me, they’ve been INCREDIBLY receptive.

    For example, I’m bad at the “just listen” for the same complaints over and over again. And I tell people that! I tell them that I will try to just listen, but that it’s hard for me bc of my own stuff, so to please forgive me if I’m not perfect. And to tell me that I’m being shitty! And I then promise to do the same for them.

    Pro tip: NEVER use the word “but.” Always “and.”

33. She may need actual medication, not just therapy.

34. My (25F) younger (middle) sister (23F) is very similar. Very sensitive about milestones, and rings/texts constantly to complain and ask for reassurance then argues with you no matter what your reply is to her.

35. I’m going against the comments here because if you disagree with her she is going to dig deeper; she will try to prove to you that she *should* be sad, she’s justified because blah blah blah. And you will not break the cycle. That way leads to boundaries and what may feel like a break. Your prerogative to do so.

    The other way is agreement with her thoughts and/or feelings. This is hard and will require true empathy and for you to set yourself and your needs aside. In this method, you need to acknowledge her feelings even if you don’t agree with the thoughts. “You really are having a tough time, I agree with you.” “I can’t imagine how hard that was for you, were you feeling alone?” Etc. Ask her to share more and validate her feelings. After you have established empathy, you can ask her how these feelings are serving her. Even “negative” feelings serve us well. “I’m angry cause I deserve to be treated better. My anger is coming from a part of me that wants things to be fair.” Then, you ask her if that *much* anger is serving her well? The answer is always “no, I can turn it down a notch.” And now, you are both through those heightened emotions. (David burns teaches these methods on his podcast feeling good inside).

    Another skill that will help your sister through these emotions is recognizing the cognitive distortions that are her go to (e.g., catastrophic thinking, what if, fortune telling, etc.). You can Google these. And then telling herself there’s a chance she could be doing it in the moment. Unfortunately, you can’t point out the distortions cause then she’ll be arguing with you about why they aren’t distortions.

    And lastly, it’s proven that gratitude journaling can get you out of a funk. The “presently” app will prompt you every day to think of one thing that you are grateful for (free app). It’s super simple, and even though some days I wrote “absolutely nothing” in for my entry, I kept it up for more than 3 years. Alongside therapy, it helped me a ton.

36. Have you thought about helping her create a plan for those things she wants?

37. I have a younger brother (he’s 33 this year) who’s so angry that he’s single and not having the life he wants that he’s just awful to be around and won’t do anything to change things or accept help….it makes him hard to be around and it’s at the point where I just don’t want to be around him. It’s hurtful an irritating and I’m sick of it.

    She doesn’t want your help at this point. Tell her where you’re at. Tell her something like, “I love you but your misery isn’t my fault so stop punishing me. I’m sorry you can’t be happy for me because you’re hurt and unhappy but that’s not fair. I want you in my life but you need some professional help to get through this. It isn’t fair to expect I stop living my life or hide my life because you aren’t living the life you want.” And tell her if she gets help to manage this you’ll happily support that, but her treatment of you is unfair, unkind, and unhelpful for the both of you and you don’t have to keep having that in your life.

38. Talk to her. Point out the comment that she made and how it made you feel. And if she says that it makes her unhappy because she doesnt have a boyfriend or etc then ask her why something that is good happening in your life seen as a negative in her life?

    When good things happen in the lives of the people you care about, you should be happy about it.

    What is the alternatives? For everyone to be unhappy so that she can not be unhappy?