Im in relationship with a wonderful man.
\*In a HEALTHY and nurturing relationship. It’s been 6 months we’re together and I’m very happy.
But my ex is still in my life, unfortunately. In short, we’ve been living together for almost 2 years (in my apartment). He had substance abuse issues. It ended bad and was quite emotionally traumatic. We first broke up in March 2021. Then (OH HOW STUPID I WAS) we tried to rekindle things in the fall of 2021 and really ended things in Jan 2022.
I shouldve really cut things off back then but I still very rarely kept in touch with him. Maybe it was some sort of a Stockholm syndrome, maybe I genuinely wished him best, maybe I was plain stupid, or maybe Im just a kind person and was manipulated. I dont know and that’s not relevant to the story.
So from Jan 2022 until Oct 2022 we spoke occasionally. That’s when I really started to notice his severe mental health issues. In short, he hears voices (he calls it “they”). He gets aggressive. He doesnt take care of himself. He cut off contact with his family. He thinks everyone is a spy plotting against him (even said that i was one too). Im not a doctor but to me it screams schizophrenia.
In late Oct his mom asked me to contact him to ask something (since he doesnt talk to her), which I did. He told me she can F off. Idk why but it was the last drop for me and I REALLY burned that bridge. No contact, etc- i didnt want anything to do with him.
He called me once in Feb (from random #) and was saying absolute nonsense. The only reason Im not being aggressive with him is that I dont want to trigger him. I was genuinely paranoid for some time bcs I saw his aggressive behavior. (One note though: it was always directed at others and never at me— he Was emotionally abusive and manipulative with me but was never physical).
One other thing he ALWAYS used to do is just to “appear” without notice. That used to REALLY piss me off when he was just arriving at my door unannounced expecting id let him in.
Anyways. He did it again today. We havent spoken since Nov 2022 and today I got a call from my concierge saying that he had arrived. I shouldve left a notice saying not to call me if he comes but since the concierge didnt know, he called me by my name and bcs I didnt know how the ex gonna react, I decided to come down. One last time.
He was again saying nonsense. I was again saying how he should start therapy or get help. I asked him wth is he doing here and he replied with “I just wanted to talk to you since i thought we’re friends. I respect you” followed by incoherent spy stories + how he’s living on the streets + how he’s the shit + how “they” are making him lose jobs + how he survives on $300 cheques from the government +and then he asked me for money. He also thought id invite him in for a glass of wine. Yes, it was that bad.
I cant reason him, dont want to trigger him, dont want to ever be in touch with him and dont want him in my life. I even lied and told him im moving out soon so that he wont back. As we said bye, he said “if youre still gonna live here, see you in a year i guess.” TF.
As I said, I dont think he’ll hurt me but i also dont know what to expect from him. I told him ab therapy sooooo many times and was even looking for resources at some point. Thing is though, no one will help him if he doesnt want it. And he absolutely does not.
Good thing is that aside of these rare times when he appears unannounced, he’s not doing much else. It is still extremely uncomfortable for me though. And idk if there is anything else I can do at this point. Ive been 100% no-contact with him since last November.
Is it something I should share with my current bf? Im not even sure why I want to tell him, bcs i know he wont be able to do much except for just listen. I think it’s more so for emotional support. And i also think it’s just something he should be made aware of… But i also dont want to freak him out.
**tl;dr** : my ex has bad mental health issues and keeps appearing in my life even though I cut all contact with him. I dont know if I should tell this to my current partner or keep it to myself.
11 comments
Does he keep appearing, or do you keep letting him in?
Because you are the gatekeeper here. You are the one letting him come back into your life. You are the one choosing to engage with him.
Yes, you should tell your boyfriend so he can decide if he wants to stay with someone who is afraid to set and maintain boundaries.
Six months seems long enough you should be able to get emotional support for this sort of thing. I think telling your current partner is a good idea. It should go well and make you feel a little better. If it doesn’t, it gives you a warning about your current partner. And if there is a problem, better to learn it sooner than later.
Honestly, yes, you need to tell your boyfriend. Given his mental state, instability, and fixation on you, your ex might be a danger to the people you date. Your boyfriend should have the knowledge of who this guy is and what he’s about.
I think you can talk to your current bf about it if you want. It sounds like you need support over it, and honestly the ex sounds like he could easily become a danger to you, so it’s important for those close to you to know about it in case something happens.
Regarding your ex though, I think you need to set your boundaries while still protecting yourself. You do not know that he won’t hurt you (source: I am a paramedic and very familiar with psychosis). Do not interact with him in person, and if he shows up unannounced, make sure that you don’t end up in a space alone with him. Public areas only. Instruct him to leave you alone or you will call the police next time (and follow through with this if he doesn’t listen). Block him on your phone and social media, and seriously consider actually moving so that he won’t be able to find you anymore.
Don’t try to help him any more by telling him about therapy etc. if it’s already clear he doesn’t want help. It’s not your responsibility. The most you can do for him at this point is to call 911 during his psychotic periods.
*PERSONALLY* i think i would share this with my current partner just so they’re aware of this person’s presence in my life, and so they understand the nature of the relationship and aren’t caught off guard one day if he shows up again. I dont think it needs to be a big Thing, but yeah i would probably clue him in, just so he’s aware. Sounds like your relationship (or at least the dissolution of the relationship) was a pretty huge deal in your life and your partner is going to find out about it eventually, right? It’ll come up. So maybe this is the time to bring it up since there’s a topical reason.
Yes, absolutely share it with your new bf and then also describe the steps you are in the process of taking to remove this blight from your life.
You are not responsible for your ex. He contacts you because you are easy to manipulate and get things from. You need to run from this guy.
I would strongly consider moving so that your ex no longer has your address. He sounds unpredictable and potentially dangerous – The bottom line is that you can’t predict how he’s going to act because he isn’t acting rationally. Yes, you should definitely talk to your boyfriend about him. Absolutely. But I think you also need to start setting boundaries and working on ways to keep your ex out of your life.
Moving is a really great way to make sure that people who you don’t want to see can’t show up at your door. None of my ex’s have my address. It really does solve a lot of problems.
Yeah, you should tell him. Your ex is unpredictable and could be genuinely dangerous.
the problem here is you, period
Tell your boyfriend so he has the choice to leave a potentially dangerous situation.
You’re the one who keeps engaging with your ex. Of course your boyfriend deserves to know.
You need to move and change your number, not telling your new man is the last of your worries right now.