I (21F) am staying at my parents’ house for a short break before my summer classes start. My sister (19F) and I are not on good terms. While I am autistic, had trouble fitting and am super awkward, she has grown up being the star of the family, and sometimes it seems like that has gotten to her head.
She GATEKEEPS her friends from me and tells me not to talk to them because I’m “embarrassing.” However, her friends all seem really nice. Recently I remembered something very sweet her friend Katie had told me years ago, and brought it up to my sister.
She responded with, “I’m sorry but get a life! How do you remember random shit like that? You are literally throwing away your life.”
I have tried reasoning with her. I told her I am happy with my life, that I’m doing the best I can, and saying these things is really hurtful. I told her she needs to think about how her words affect other people. She just rolled her eyes and said “please”.
“Please” has become a dreaded word for me. Whenever my mom or my sister want to essentially shut me up, the say “please.” It’s a real conversation stopper. It also hurts me everytime.
However, what hurts the most happened a couple days ago. My parents were trying to get us to bond, and we started driving downtown to get ice cream. My sister was the one driving (my tremors have made it difficult to drive). She then accidentally hit the car in front of us and dented it. My parents were obviously freaking out when that happened, and she yelled, “if you guys didn’t force me to hang out with HER, this would not have happened!”
Tl;dr: I am extremely hurt and was wondering how to best communicate with a sibling like that?
30 comments
“I love you but you’re a jerk”
Ted Lasso just did an incredible scene I’ll call “Thank you, fuck you”
The idea is, thank you for being a sibling, fuck you for being a jerk
And if someone is being a jerk to you, you may just want to distance yourself from them a little more
Why even bother to put in the effort when she’s only insulting you?
What kind of sister calls you an embarrassment?
She being a brick wall isn’t a feeling, that’s what she is. If I were you, I’d just focus on my life and becoming successful.
Family isn’t an excuse to be a monster. I’m sorry she hurt you. Can you not distance yourself from her?
I’m sorry that your mom and sister treat you this way. Your feelings of hurt and isolation are valid and real. I recommend you see a counsellor who perhaps specialises in ASD to help you build coping techniques and tools to help you understand and manage your relationship and feelings about them. Your family members aren’t going to change, so all you can do is decide what that means for you. Is changing yourself for them what will make you happy? Or will finding others who will see and appreciate you for you the healthier option? Best of luck with your summer classes and your happiness!
Some people are in your life to not talk to. Sounds like your sister is one of them.
Yeah, you do need help talking to her, but not in the way you mean.
She’s just a nasty hurtful person, and you continuing to be nice to her is just training her that she can be as nasty as she likes to you without any consequences.
Next time she says something mean criticising you, reply with “I’m sorry, what? I’m not the one who rear ended a car because of, somehow, my presence in the universe or something? Oooh maybe I have Bad Driving superpowers.” (use a very sarcastic tone)
Stop trying to hang out with her. Don’t let her just walk over you.
Oh friend I’m sorry. I’m autistic as well and went thru almost this exact experience with a cousin. In the end I gave just disengaged. I don’t interact with her at all, as I can’t trust her to be kind. We can’t control others. We can only control ourselves. Her friends are hers, let them go. Find people to connect with over shared interests. She’s not interested in a relationship. It’s okay to just let go of people who don’t want you. Don’t chase relationships. Even with family. You deserve kindness and respect, just like everyone does. Don’t invest energy in people who don’t invest it in you.
Refuse to talk to someone like that. Tell her you love her but you can’t support or acknowledge that kind of toxicity. You are a decent and emotionally aware human being. Don’t let your sister or anyone shut you down in these situations.
I think your sister is asking (really rudely) for some space from you. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour (which is deplorable) but I wonder if your parents forced her to socialise with you?
I think the best course of action here is to get some distance from her. That appears to be what she wants and it will stop her from being so rude to you.
Im awkward as hell too. So theres some merit to the idea of distancing. But that can be gradual too, if you choose. A reason to be gradual is youre not at the “screw everyone” stage. You still care about them and havent given up, right?
A turning point for me was just learning to give it back. I got better at coming up with sarcastic one-liners on the spot. So next time she makes a jab, be like “ok Crash”. So at first theyll make a big deal, could be pouty and aggressive or could be like “oooohhh good one!” Or “oooh you make that up yourself?” And stuff like that. Ignore it. Just smile and go about your day. Keep honing it. But also be chill about it always. like say something sarcastic then go right back into normal conversation. Dont linger on it cuz then it becomes mean. Over some time learning to jab back and even be the first to jab while still caring and being a friend can bring people closer. It becomes a very subtle sarcasm that doesnt even have a hint of meanness to it.
I grew up awkward, and people had an attitude about me. I learned to be sarcastic to cope and find a common ground with them. It was never about being mean, but jerks have a primitive language and if you tap it, it works and they let you in, then you get to be a positive influence on them. A few of my friends were once enemies. Now I meet people who Im told are difficult or mean and idk, I just about never get their bad side. (I just get that on reddit for having different opinions or asking questions)
I wont blame anyone for walking away from toxic people. Im 39 and I was maybe 18 when I started to learn to use sarcasm to relate. If not for right here then later through your life it can be helpful.
Im still learning, too. Some folks have ZERO reaction or, rarely, a negative reaction. Doesnt mean theyre bad, but I try to find a level where they communicate, and thats where you build bonds
I think your sister is going through a moment, there are times in my life, especially when I was a young teenager when I was a fucking asshole. You’ve made an effort, I would probably stop engaging for a while and do your own thing. Your sister might be going through a rough moment and having some added pressure is stressful for her and she’s taking it out on you, which is not an excuse for her behavior, just something for you to consider.
Your sister is being an asshole so take a break.
Distance and low contact. Time is the best way to heal this because the root cause is her immaturity. She can’t see how her actions affect others so any attempt to make things better will have the opposite effect. As long as you stick around, she will make you the convenient excuse for all of her problems.
Communication only works when both parties have empathy and can take responsibility for their own actions. Sounds like she lacks both right now.
She’s an asshole, stop trying
Some people are better not communicated with. There are few cures for a personality like that (hopefully time will help) and that’s not your job. I think the best thing is for you to invest in a social life outside your family. It’s challenging but the rewards are great!
I dont see why you want to talk to her at all. She sounds like a brat and honestly a disgusting person. No use in talking with people like that, sibling or not
You sound like a kind sensitive person and your sister sounds like an immature bitch. She’s only 19 so she might grow out of it though
You have to learn to fight for yourself, there’s no other good way.
“Don’t “please” me” is the first thing on my mind to respond to those “pleases”.
Growing up as someone with an autistic sibling, I definitely had a lot of resentment for them when I was younger because as a neurotypical kid I did not get enough individual attention since my brother needed a lot more hands on help when we were younger. I do not mean to assume anything about your parents, but by the sounds of it, your sister has fallen very deep into this category of feeling like she’s playing 2nd fiddle to you due to a lack parental attention when it was necessary. She may be unnecessarily taking it out on you when you literally cannot help it, which is not okay, but I bet theres more deeper seeded anger in your sister stemming from something like I grew up with. She will hopefully mature with age and realize shes being horrible but its a hard thing to change your perspective on someone when you’ve been living with them for 19 years.
I know this isn’t really helping with any actual issue solving but it may provide a bit more clarity on what kind of anger she could be harboring, and maybe itll help you better understand how you could attempt to re-connect with her in a way she’ll actually respond to if thats what you are still wanting to do, though going low-contact is probably easier
Hi, fellow autistic gal here.
One thing I’ve learned through trial and error is this: you cannot change the way another person behaves, you can only change how you react to it
My honest advice would be to get as far away from your sister as humanly possible as quickly as possible, but in the meantime you can either employ the “grey rock technique” where you only respond very blandly, with one word non-emotive answers to deny her whatever emotional response she’s trying to get out of you
Or (and this is my personal favourite) you flip the mirror to face her: “Aren’t you embarrassed?”, “it’s really hard to enjoy being around you when you say nasty things for no reason” things like that
Ugh, I hate mean people.
I don’t know what it is that’s got her all angry, and maybe there is more to the story, but all I can say is just because you were born into a family, does not mean you are *obligated* to them. Some people – as sad as it is to say – are a lost cause and you need to cut your losses.
The harsh reality is this: You absolutely **cannot** salvage something if the other party is not attempting to, or worse, actively trying to sabotage. All that’s going to happen is you’ll keep getting yourself hurt. Perhaps one day she’ll mature and see how horrible she’s been, perhaps not, but after the break, I’d say focus on your own life and building your own connections.
The more you try, the more she will fight it. Stop trying for your own mental health. She may grow up in her 20s and apologize. Until that happens, you need to give her space.
She sounds like a bitch, and she’s acting like a 13 year old. Maybe when she starts acting like an adult, you can build a relationship with her. She doesn’t deserve your kindness.
This sounds like some narcissistic family dynamics with your sister being the Golden Child and you the scapegoat. Do your parents ever punish her for being a bitch?
You deserve better OP.
Sensitive people in low-empathy (edit: and/or high hysteria) families are not a good mix. Your sister sounds a lot like mine. She was much like that and didn’t change at all for 20 years, and that was when she got butt-dialed and heard what people really think about how she treats people, and then had a kid and a fiance’s family to please, so she holds back around some, but when she gets comfortable is when the true colors show. There’s just far too much damage in the wake of selfish personalities like that.
Get out when you can. It’ll just gradually erode your own well-being.
Perhaps test the waters every once in awhile and see if there’s been any change, but don’t hesitate to set boundaries.
I feel for you. My older brother was a shit to me from day one and yet I kept trying be a brother to him until I was 30. I never talked to him again. It hurts sometimes even now (I’m 72) but I never regretted it. On the other hand, in your kind of situation where you are still together at home sometimes, you might just give up on her but be civil and she might come to you. My feeling is that if she grows up enough it might take years so don’t expect much. Very painful. I’ll never understand why some people can enjoy being mean to others.
Just let her be dead to you, she obviously doesn’t see you as a being of worth/value and you deserve better than that. Don’t hang out with her, don’t join if you smell your parents trying to do something funky like bonding time and you can smell she doesn’t want to. Wait until she contacts you. If she doesn’t? Good riddance.
Wow. Sounds like Mom and sister are a real treat (sarcasm intended here). What you are experiencing is outright emotional abuse from the one thing in life that should be providing you emotional support, your family. Also where is Dad in the picture? It seems like he has abdicated his role in the family dynamic (not uncommon for fathers to retreat to ‘keep the peace’)
I would talk individually with each of them. Then I would talk with them together. The talk should be a monologue with only you speaking. They don’t get to say anything. Make those rules upfront. If they cannot abide by those rules, then it shows they have little respect for you. The talk should be how you are emotionally feeling. Definitely bring up the internal reaction to ‘please’. Let them know you are who you are and you have feelings. Let them know they are hurting you emotionally. Let them know this is not healthy, this is not the way a family member should be treated. You may be different, but you are you and definitely not a walking embarrassment.
All that said, it seems that neither your mom or your sister are emotionally mature. So I wouldn’t expect these talks to go well (but they might). I would tell your father that you would like to seek mental health counseling to learn how to protect yourself (set boundaries) and give you some tools to deal with these types of situations and give you tools to emotionally take care of yourself (because the family sure isn’t doing this).
I’m a little bit angry as I write this, so please keep that in mind as you read and digest this response.
My very best wishes for you. Understand you are in no position to deal with outright confrontation because at least 2 family members treat you poorly and the third is most likely only going to jump in if they think there is a physical threat. So you may want to seek therapy first to get meaningful tools prior to having the ‘talks’.
Ever heard of a piss disc?
Short answer: you don’t. The shit she has said is vile, and you don’t need that swirlin around your head. I’d avoid her, if possible.
You don’t communicate with a sibling like that. You tell her she’s a bitch and to stay out of your way. Stand up for yourself, girl. It’s time to be the star of your own life, you deserve it.
Your sister is being a bad person. This isn’t a you problem.