Hi all, this is a throwaway account. I am a long-time lurker and a first-time poster. Apologies for any grammar issues, as I am writing this on mobile and am on the emotional side right now.
My boyfriend [M27] and I [F26] have been together for 5 years. He recently got his dream job and now I see a stark change in his personality. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but nothing to this extent.
Throughout the relationship, his concerns are he feels like whatever he does is never enough. When I tell him my issues and what I’m looking for, he feels like I mention them too often and do not allow him the chance to make changes. He feels that no matter what he does, he will never make me happy.
On my end, I feel that I address my concerns but get frustrated when he keeps repeating the same issues even after discussing them multiple times.
We moved in earlier this year but I see him less now than I did before he moved in. He has not contributed to bills, cleaning, or cooking. He is always busy working but never has enough money (he does not know how to handle his finances & things always happen on his end causing him to have to devote his money to that i.e. his car constantly breaking down & having to fix that).
He uses the excuse that he warned me that this was a possibility because it was his lifestyle before moving in but doesn’t understand that his prior lifestyle doesn’t contribute positively to the relationship. He claims that once he’s back on his feet, his need to work will decrease.
At this stage of our relationship, we’re in the worse spot we have ever been in. He has disappeared twice. The first time I did not see him for a month. The second time I did not see him for a month and a half. I do not believe he is cheating, though I will not rule it out. The issue is more that he does not know how to handle emotions & runs away. He has reached a point where he has decided he does not want to deal with anyone’s emotions because he thinks it’s pointless and illogical to have them.
Communication is nonexistent. He refuses to have conversations, he refuses to answer the phone when I call, and he ignores my messages until he thinks I’m in a better emotional state. Then when the moment passes, he pretends nothing happened & wants to act like everything is okay when it’s not.
I know with my personality can be overbearing at times. I’m very type A and can have control issues. I fear letting go or not voicing my concerns out of fear of it not changing or things not getting done. I will say that I have been diagnosed with anxiety and he is suspected to have ADHD (he has not been tested). I understand his perspective but I’m not sure it truly justifies his actions right now.
I think we’re at the point of resentment has settled between us. We want to move forward but we don’t know how to get past this.
I normally don’t talk to others about my relationship but I’m feeling pretty desperate right now. When I talk to friends and family I’m getting different opinions. I want to ask Reddit if there is any way the relationship can be salvaged. Are we at the point of no return? Has anyone else experienced this?
TDLR: My boyfriend and I have hit a rough patch. We are about each other but are unsure if it’s time to let go or if we can work through this
2 comments
I am glad you are talking to people who know you. I hope you are having conversations with people who know both of you.
You have invested a lot of time with him. From what you have written I don’t see growth emotionally. What disturbs me the most is the 10 weeks of absence. Any explanations? Sense of sorrow? Any registration that this caused you great concern and hurt?
You said you had ups and downs. All relationships do but this lack of ability and maturity to manage his own feelings is a red flag. It doesn’t bode well for your ability to stay connected. Unless some serious 3rd party help – counseling- can happen for you both, you need to take time off of this relationship.
I appreciate you acknowledging your own weaknesses. This has been crucial in my marriage.
It seems like you are working much harder than he is for this relationship to work, that should say something right there…
Regarding working more for his dream job, I can understand where he might be coming from. My first few years of teaching were very demanding and time consuming and I know my ex really struggled to understand how I could spend so much time on something that payed little. But after the first couple of years the workload goes down and my schedule is much more 9-5 and I am so happy I stuck with it because now I love my job. So he might be on the same boat.
But disappearing for a month? That is crazy, not fair, and not healthy. How are you supposed to communicate with him if you are worried he will just take off again. He will end up getting to do whatever he wants. That right there would be a deal breaker for me to end the relationship.
On a side note, have you two talked about marriage? A lot of guys are fine with wasting a girls time and stringing them along once they get them to move in, and never make any type of commitment because they never planned on marrying you. Just speaking from experience, don’t waste your time on that. I learned the hard way.