Background, have been married 10yra. About a year ago, I got really into giving BJs. I studied techniques, I practiced, I enjoyed them very much. They became something we did before every penetration. But now I have lost interest. Why? He never reciprocates. There could be a few reasons. 1. Inexperience. One partner (me). 2. He just really doesn’t like it. Idk what to do about that because my hygiene is very important to me. 3. Lazy and selfish. I really hope it’s not this one. But it has really put a damper on me wanting to give BJs anymore. It feels unfair. Is this petty? I mean, we all should have bodily autonomy and not have to do things we’re uncomfortable with. And it feels transactional that I expect reciprocation. But I can’t help it.
25 comments
No you’re not wrong. If you doing your part than he does needs to reciprocates. What’s wrong with him? I’ll be happy as hell my wife giving me that smh.
Sometimes I find it amazing how many posts on this sub can be solved with the answer of “talk to your partner about this”….
In answer to your question, no, it’s not unreasonable for you to feel the way you do. That being said, the best way forward is to get over your fear of the discussion and actually talk to your partner about the issue. The important part here, though, is to approach the discussion as an attempt to understand why he is the way he is. For example…
*”I’d like to talk about our intimate life for a second. I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself to perform oral because it all seems very one sided lately. I’d like to understand why you seem to have an issue going down on me as much as I’m willing to go down on you. Can you help me out here?”*
At least, that’s how it goes in my head.
I love giving bjs but there’s no way I would want to give them in a relationship where it wasn’t reciprocated.
I’d stop and wouldn’t feel bad
No, it’s not petty or “transactional”, your partner is selfish and unfair and you need to seriously call him out on that.
You should probably talk to him about it first, so you can try to find out why he doesn’t reciprocate, to see if it can be fixed. But no, it’s not petty or transactional at all.
Your husband is being selfish and is messing up a good thing he has going.
It’s absolutely fair and healthy to not be into giving if you’re not receiving. It’s amazing how often this seems to happen. I gave my best friend advice on this very thing two weeks ago and made it my little project for him. It can be fixed!
Vbb
Wow, you are me. He never once gave me an orgasm. Sex was over when he came (once), got dressed and left the room. I showed him my vibrator once, he said “have fun” and left. I have expressed my concerns to him, nothing changed. Now days, the vibrator is my best friend.
I’ve gotten one bJ in 18 years of marriage
Are you really going to go the rest of your life without receiving oral sex? Because that’s the subscription package you are on right now.
I think I’d have a frank conversation with my wife if this was reversed that helped her understand my desires without pressure on her part.
*I really enjoy going down on you and would enjoy you going down on me, too. Is there a barrier to our sharing this with one another?* a very simply start to what may be a great and productive conversation.
Oooof. I felt this. Except I’m the husband and I LOVE giving… I just don’t get it back.
If you don’t know the reason why he doesn’t do it then stopping something both he and you like out of retribution is passive aggressive. If you don’t want to give as many BJs you certainly don’t have to. But if your motivation is to get back at him, teach him a lesson, etc then yes it’s petty.
Definitely have a talk. Maybe he thinks you don’t want it since you don’t ask? When my husband does it for me, I’m more willing to give back! It should never be one sided, that’s not fair at all! So if he’s just being selfish, screw that.
have you asked….
Tell your partner just like your telling us here. You’ve been married to him for 10 years. Sit your husband down and lay it out. Maybe he thinks you don’t like that type of thing, especially if you’ve never brought the issue up to him. How would you expect him to know?
The only way to solve this problem and get to the bottom of things is to actually talk about it. Who knows, you might be surprised!
You don’t owe him bjs. If he wants bjs, he should learn to give them as well. have you talked to him about this?
I love to perform cunnilingus she doesn’t like it at all. Says it “dries her out”. All the other girls in the past practically gave me trophies for it. Of course she stopped shaving down there years ago which SHE REALLY NEEDS TO DO. That in itself is a deterrent; maybe that’s why she doesn’t shave anymore? But I never get BJs and she has only finished me once in 18 years of marriage and of a 20 year relationship
Sex shouldnt be tit for tat.
You both enjoy something but you are going to stop out of retaliation.
Thats not healthy.
Flip the genders. Its ok for a partner to say no. Again that shouldnt be met with retaliation and punnishment.
You should instead communicate your feelings and tell your partner youd like more and maybe get an understanding of why and if it has anything to with maybe hygiene or he just doesnt like it.
It’s petty if you do it and don’t talk to him about it first.
If it’s because he doesn’t like the taste, try dental dams.
But if he just doesn’t like to do them, I’d take BJs off the table. Not really great to expect to receive what you don’t give in a relationship.
It’s not a partnership if only one side is getting satisfied.. does he give any type reason as to why??
Personally he wouldn’t get another from me and he can like it or not..
Do you like giving blowjobs? If yes, why stop?
If no, then sure, stop.
But making a relationship and sex very tit-for-tat is exhausting and asking for trouble. If he gets you off in other ways why be petty just for the sake of being petty?
What does he say when you ask him to reciprocate?
Does he brush it off? I’d probably try to speak directly about it but probably would be less inclined to give oral sex if I wasn’t getting any back… I guess his reasons and responses to you will probably be important information to share with this post.
I’m in a similar situation. I had told my husband it didn’t feel fair that he wouldn’t reciprocate oral, when I do it all the time for him. I don’t particularly enjoy giving oral, but I love pleasing him And I love him. I know he enjoys it, so I like doing it for him. It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy giving it, he said that himself. Each time I’ve brought it up he said he’ll do it but it doesn’t really happen. I’m lucky if I get 30 seconds. He’s also said my view was “transactional” and wrong. We explained this to our therapist and he said, it’s not transactional at all. It’s normal for people to do things for the ones they love (even things they don’t necessarily enjoy) and hope that their loved one will do the same.