TLDR; I’m struggling to navigate a relationship with my boyfriend who has ADHD
For context, I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 5 years and 4 years into the relationship, he was diagnosed with ADHD. Over the past few months I’ve noticed he’s started to become more depressed and quicker to anger. I understand dysregulation of emotions is a very common symptom of ADHD but the issue I’m having is that he doesn’t take accountability of the hurtful things he says whilst in an emotional outburst and plays down how much he shouts at me. I want to be supportive of his mental health struggles but I’m struggling to balance understanding the support he needs whilst also prioritising my mental health, please help
4 comments
What is HE doing to work on HIS stuff?
Or is he just using his diagnosis as an excuse to be a shitass?
Because I just got diagnosed with Autism at the ripe old age of 49 and I would rather shove hot nails into my own eyes than treat my husband the way your boyfriend treats you.
Is he taking professional help ?If not, why not?
>I understand dysregulation of emotions is a very common symptom of ADHD but the issue I’m having is that he doesn’t take accountability of the hurtful things he says whilst in an emotional outburst and plays down how much he shouts at me
His mental health issues are no excuse for either of those. If you feel as though you can recognize these points with him in a way that he’d recognize, validate, and address, you can do so. If you’d both feel comfortable working with a relationship counselor on these issues, you could do that. If you don’t think he’s going to change for the better despite your efforts and you want to leave, you can do that.
>I want to be supportive of his mental health struggles but I’m struggling to balance understanding the support he needs whilst also prioritising my mental health, please help
Whether it’s a boyfriend, a family member, a coworker, or a complete stranger, you’re not responsible for his mental health. HE IS. Being supportive and understanding of his issues is certainly a nice thing for a supportive partner to do, but his mental health is not your responsibility to treat. You’re not his therapist.
The best way to be supportive without compromising your own boundaries and mental-health is to point him to professional resources and let the professionals work with him.
I also have ADHD. My mood is pretty stable even without medication, but before I was medicated, I would constantly forget chores/responsibilities as soon as I focused on something else. My wife (gf at the time) just sat me down and said she loved me but something had to change because she was getting annoyed having to remind me of stuff all the time. I’d heard so much fear-mongering about ADHD meds but I’m so happy I tried them. Absolutely life-changing & all the stuff about “you’ll lose your creativity” “it’ll make you a zombie” just didn’t turn out to be true.