I (26F) am afraid that my boyfriend (28M) might implode under all the immense pressure he’s going through. How do I help him?

This is a throwaway account because my boyfriend is an active Redditor, and we follow each other’s accounts here, but he never goes to this sub.

This is also going to be a long post, but I hope you can bear with me.

I (26F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (28M) for 5.5 years now, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. For the purposes of this post, I’ll call him Ben. We met in college, and Ben was the sweetest and cutest guy I’ve ever met. He’s two years ahead of me, but he was a part of the welcoming committee at our university, and boy, were we lucky. He was such a charismatic gentleman with an awesome personality and looks to match. I think everyone in my friend group, including me, had a huge crush on him, but he had a girlfriend at the time. When they broke up (she cheated on him), I took my chance and confessed my feelings for him. At that time, I was still a dumb kid, and Ben turned me down politely. However, months later, the stars aligned for us, and long story short, we became a couple.

Before COVID (we were already two years into the relationship by this time), we started living together for a few months because we both worked at offices near each other, so we figured it would be easier and more cost-effective. When the pandemic happened, we went back to our homes. However, things happened with Ben’s household. His brother (let’s call him Paul) came out as gay, and their parents kicked him out. Ben decided to take Paul under his wing, and we decided to live together again with Paul. Another layer to this was Paul becoming suicidal at the start of his coming out journey (I mean, he was kicked out by his parents, so that was really tough), but he’s thankfully in a much better place now. Of course, Paul’s recovery was extremely difficult.

In 2021, I started my master’s degree. I had to quit my full-time job and take on some freelancing instead. I told Ben that I could still take on more freelancing clients to help with the expenses, but he told me not to so that I could focus on my master’s. Suffice to say, I couldn’t contribute much to our expenses. While I’m still earning, it barely covers our bills. Paul also volunteered to take on jobs while he’s studying, but Ben forbade him so that he could focus on his studies (Paul is actually a genius, who now has a full-ride scholarship in college, which was why Ben didn’t want him distracted).

So, Ben took it upon himself to work three or four jobs at a time to support himself, me, and Paul (who was still studying but was essentially financially cut off from their family). Ben actually grew up in a rural farm area, helping out his family, so all his life, all he knew was to work hard to survive. He was the first in their family to go to college, and although he wasn’t the brightest, he certainly gave his best. That was also why he was so determined to support Paul in his academics. I chip in whenever I can, and my parents would also contribute from time to time, but it was really Ben who supported our little trio through those times.

However, this is where my concern for Ben starts. Whenever I ask him how he is, he always puts on a huge smile, then he hugs and kisses me, saying that everything is fine. But I can tell how physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted he really is. It’s like whenever I’m not looking, I can feel that he’s often trying to catch his breath, thinking about something or always brooding, which is really not like him at all.

Then, last year, Ben got a new job that pays about triple his salary compared to his previous main employer, so he didn’t have to work multiple jobs anymore. He was so happy because he could spend more time with us now. That was such a relief for me because I could feel his old self genuinely coming back.

However, late last year, we had another curveball. Paul was diagnosed with a heart condition and needed surgery urgently. Of course, that meant a ton of expenses. Ben was once again forced to work A LOT. He was working overtime at his company and took on two more side jobs. He also borrowed money from friends, took out some loans, and basically did everything he could to make sure Paul got the treatment he needed. My parents also gave him money, which he initially refused, but he eventually gave in because he was still short. He also swallowed his pride and begged their parents for money, which they eventually gave, but with a lot of guilt-tripping, shaming, and tongue-lashing. Not once did I hear Ben complain about any of this, and to this day, Paul doesn’t know a lot of what his brother had to do and go through to come up with the money.

Thankfully, Paul’s operation was a success, and he’s now making a full recovery. However, one night last February, I woke up at around 2 am and saw Ben still at our dining table, doing a bunch of paperwork. He told me it was nothing, just routine stuff, but I saw that he was computing all the loans and debts he had incurred trying to come up with the money for Paul’s surgery. He kissed me good night, but I saw in his eyes that he was panicking deep inside and was about to break down, but he didn’t.

A lot of other things happened between then until now. Last month, Ben was at the center of a heavily traumatic event which I can’t disclose here (it involved legal and police proceedings, which are still ongoing). But throughout all this, Ben has maintained a very composed facade, and he continues to do so. During our ride home after receiving the devastating news, he was really quiet. I can tell that he’s hurting, but he just doesn’t verbalize it. He also told me not to tell Paul about the whole incident if we can help it, but he still found out last week because of all the legal things we’re going through. When he found out, Paul actually cried and gave Ben the tightest hug, and I bawled as well. However, Ben was just like, “Man, I really don’t want all this attention.”

Then, last night, something happened that prompted me to write this post. While we were sleeping, Ben suddenly woke up and rushed to the kitchen, around 1 am. The commotion woke me up too, and I asked him what was wrong. I was so worried because he looked so pale, his lips were dry, and he was drenched in sweat. He also seemed like he was out of breath and he was panting heavily, struggling to speak. He said he felt that he could feel his heart beating so fast and that there was ringing in his ears. He was also feeling dizzy and nauseated. He tried to pour himself a glass of water, but his hands were shaking badly, so I did it for him.

I then took him to the ER, and hours later, after some tests (thankfully, this was covered by his insurance), the doctor said that Ben had a panic attack. Then, what shocked me the most was that Ben said this was not the first time this has happened. He told the doctor that this has happened about 4 times since last month, but last night was the most severe one. Upon hearing that, I felt like I was being punched in my gut, and everything went silent. I didn’t hear what the doctor prescribed him. My mind went blank, and all I could think of was how terrible of a girlfriend I am for not noticing this earlier. When we talked about it at home, he just told me that he didn’t want me to worry about him, and that he thought it was just allergies or something (I know, lame excuse). I just wanted to cry because all this time, Ben had been keeping this from me and is going through all this alone. I tried to talk to him some more about what we should do, but he just said he’s got it under control now and I shouldn’t worry about him anymore.

I’m really, really, really worried about him, though, and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve never seen Ben cry or curse or be mad or be violent throughout our entire relationship. Every time, he just says something to reassure me, then he blurts out a joke or a sarcastic remark. I know that sounds like a dream guy for many people, but I’m just really worried about him. I’ve told him a thousand times that he can talk to me about whatever he’s truly feeling, but he never opens up. I don’t know if it’s pride, ego, toxic masculinity, or just how he was raised, but I’ve told him multiple times that I will never judge him or see him differently. I always talk to him about my problems, so he knows that I treat our relationship as a safe space, and I’ve told him that he could do the same. However, the only “problems” he shares are shallow issues like not liking the lunch served at work or being 2 minutes late due to traffic or spilling coffee on his shirt.

Every day, before going out for work, Ben kisses me and says “I love you,” but there’s just something different about him. It’s like he’s putting up this entire persona just to please me, but I can see right through it. I don’t know if it’s just the sadness in his eyes or the way he sort of fakes his smile. Don’t get me wrong, though. I never once doubted that he loves me, and I still deeply love him, but the fact that he doesn’t acknowledge his negative emotions really worries me that he might just implode one day.

I’m sorry if that has just been a long-winded, incoherent, rambling mess, but do you have any advice on how I can help him?

TL;DR: My boyfriend has been under a lot of pressure and is not opening up to me. He just had a severe panic attack last night, but he still doesn’t want to acknowledge his emotions. What can I do to help him?